always

there are many things i'd like to say here, but it's getting late. yet, for some reason, i still find myself posting this? i don't know. what i do know is that i don't know or understand so many things. it sounds so obvious, yet it still feels like an awesome thought in comparison to the big picture. am i making any sense? perhaps i am not. but that's okay. today i needed to go on a walk. well, more like this evening. it was barely a walk and the sun had already set, but the sky was glowing yellow even though it was already dark. it was so beautiful.

eyes

sometimes I can recall.

leaving home

I never wrote about it on here, but I am extremely grateful that the escrow fell through last summer. We would have moved by September. Granted, it would have been somewhere only five minutes away or so. But still. In spite of the fact that everyone else wants to move (and for good reason in terms of family dynamics and togetherness), I secretly was kind of relieved. I love walking on the bluff path at night going home after work surrounded by the completely lit up streets behind us. I love running along the trail during the day. I love going to the end of the street with Bosco to watch the sunset. And my room. I've written before how it's a a safe-haven of sorts. I will miss it most out of any other part of this house. This room and the views of the city and sky when outdoors. I can't really explain it.

All the houses we're looking at are not in Los Angeles.

I'm looking forward to change. A fresh start. But it's sort of a crazy thing to think about.

The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place

So I'm currently sitting in bed, listening to my favorite Explosions in the Sky album. The music is streaming through my right ear as I'm wearing only one earbud in order to absorb the sound of raindrops outside the window to my left. There are no words to describe the perfection of these combined sounds. Bosco is curled up next to me. And snoring. Gah, this is such a wonderful moment. In fact, there was something significant about today as a whole.

The second I sat down in the first bus this morning at 8:30am, I began to feel an overwhelming emotion I haven't felt in years. And that is one of immense love for everyone surrounding me. Complete and total strangers. Everywhere I looked I noticed so much beauty...so many differences. So many stories. So many thoughts. I could see everyone thinking (or exhausted, perhaps trying not to think as they sighed in preparation for a long day). I don't know. All I know is this awareness took place throughout the day on all four buses. And walking across intersections. I could feel that strange sensation I used to, literally around my chest. I believe I wrote about this years ago...let me go find the entry.

Okay. So a part of the entry from 12/12/10 reads, "after a minute or so I made it to the end of the sidewalk. while waiting for the stoplight to change so I could cross the street, I took the first, precious sip of my eggnog latte. I instantly felt the familiar spark of warmth that starts in the chest and then spreads throughout the entire body. it was right at that moment that it occurred to me how that feeling of comfort is not too different from the ever-present joy that has lately been pervading my heart, my being. in fact, they are almost identical."

I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's quite powerful and comforting at the same time? It's like a physical response to the emotion I am holding. It seems both a natural and necessary reaction. I don't know how to word any of this properly. There is so much to say. All I can write I guess is that it's significant. I'm grateful to start feeling the love I hold for mankind as I once did in the past. My compassion and understanding didn't leave back in 2011. I was still conscious of my beliefs and have maintained my thoughts...but what was sad is I no longer felt the emotions to match any of them. So in a sense, it was almost hard to believe what I knew was true. I mean, I never didn't believe it. It was just awful feeling numb. I missed the emotion...and after three years, I kind of stopped missing it. And today I realize how much I'd forgotten.

This response is not just toward people I interact with or am surrounded by. Everything around me. Everything I see. Nature. Flowers...lizards running along the bluff path...clouds...the sky especially. I feel more and more connected to everything each day. It's a gradual process, but I am so grateful that it is taking place. I needn't allow the intensity of this world's pain overwhelm me.

I have learned that it is okay to understand, but the depth of empathy should never overpower my own centeredness. I am blessed to be given the opportunity to feel the love I hold for this universe in a healthy, balanced manner.

We all are.

memory

yesterday a random image entered my head when i was sitting in class, completely disconnected from the lecture (as is often the case).

i saw a pair of cotton strings--each about three feet or so--running parallel, about eleven feet in the air and glued strongly to opposing ends of dark blue walls. however, the thin strings were so close together that from a distance--depending on one's perspective--it could appear to be a single thread. but out of nowhere (about two seconds later), the glue of one string instantly became less sturdy on both walls and landed to the ground on its own.

the strings clearly no longer ran parallel. in fact, the distance in height was so great between them that they were no longer together in my line of vision. all i could see was the thread whose glue for some reason decided to remain sturdy and thus keep the string alone in the air.

my mind constantly wanders in class. whether i am journaling or attempting to pay attention, it's a constant battle to stay focused solely on the topics in front of me. however, nothing this random has ever entered my head; so, as i sat there, i tried to interpret it as i would a strange dream. 

i decided it was a bizarre, complicated metaphor for my life.

the mirror

Sometimes
when I cry--

and only if
I'm home alone,

I lie forward
on the carpet

and stare through
the glass.

I look into
my own eyes

and speak aloud
words of encouragement.

I somehow say
what I need to hear.

And though the words
are said by me,

I feel that they're
from somewhere else--

be it a guide
or higher self.

(you grow from the inside)

I guess it's a good thing today was a Sigur Rós kind of morning already.

On another note, half a thousand dollars later, I can type on my own personal keyboard again. I'm thankful for that. I wouldn't have made this blog post right now otherwise as typing here is comforting compared to using the touch screen. Sounds weird, but yeah. It's kind of like...the way I'm able to get out my thoughts and let it flow. And the only reason I was on the computer in the first place is because I was trying to fix the program on here in order to retrieve all my organized albums.

Brennan and I have been bonding a lot more lately, which has been really nice. It kind of scares me sometimes that she'll soon be the age I was when she was born. That's another one of those things that will really get to me if I'm not careful. I mean, it's not literally scary. It's just...bah. There are a lot of words I could say, but I don't feel like processing all my thoughts at the moment and "bah" pretty much encapsulates everything.

Work has been pretty good. I've gotten some more hours the past two weeks when they need me because others can't make it. I love going there because it helps get me out of my head and work on my confidence level. I really need to not put myself down.

Okay, I'm feeling a bit better.

"I wonder if I'm allowed, just ever to be." 

I'm still grateful.
Because I am.

madness

never had I been and not,
never have I been without.

Ha

I just read my previous entry and loved the irony of the last sentence.

Anyway. That inspired me to write an entry here. I'm not sure what it will contain. Hmmm here we go. Stream of consciousness? Yes. No constant editing as I type.

Well, we've made it to November. Wow. I don't know. Time is passing so fast..it feels like just yesterday I was getting ready for the surgery I openly acted so calm and excited for as a means of suppressing the intense fears I had. That was fun when I didn't sleep the whole night before and had anxiety and was crying on the car ride there. It was that night I realized my true emotions about it, how my cold was psychosomatic of course (brought on by my weird fear thing like when I used to get sick before shows and all that).

Anyway. Wow. In just 16 days it will have been exactly a year to the day. I remember that whole morning in the pre-surgery room vividly and for some reason that whole morning is vividly entering my memory this very second, and waiting alone in the bare side of the hospital at 4am...it kind of feels like it was some other world. Haha I remember now that it felt so surreal, like I was in space or something. I don't know. That sounds weird. I'm glad I had Paws with me. And headphones. And certain songs on repeat. The anxiety lowered. And my dad was so helpful in the car.. But at the same time it was eerily reminiscent of the 2am drive--also to UCLA--for a far different reason back during the first week of January 2012. It was so weird because we were literally on the same freeway and the lights looked the same and everything and this just. I don't know. It was a really weird feeling and realization that occurred to me while driving to the surgery. I can picture exactly where we were on the freeway too. In a sense, that is what made me cry even more. But it wasn't bad. Just. So many emotions.

I remember the huge, open hallway with its wide window...the fact it was pitch black outside. That hallway felt so far away.  And then talking with dad in the pre-operating room...that amazing nurse who was able to create the IV and unlike the endless tries of other doctors over the years, found a working vein IMMEDIATELY (of course that hasn't happened since). I don't know why I'm focusing so much on that, but there was something so calming about her...and she had a beautiful smile and positive energy that comforted me, yet she couldn't have been in there for more than 3 minutes. Alright. Now this is turning into rambling. I could write more randomness about so much of this. Perhaps I will when I get my computer back to life? Tuesday I shall venture to figure out what's going on with that. I miss typing on a keyboard.

Going to work gives me a better sense of purpose. Actually going out and connecting with others...actually communicating with people. I don't know. I'm really happy that I don't really have friends that I chat with except two (or three sometimes). And even then, it's not constant or involved. I love keeping to myself and where I am with that. So that's why work is nice because on those three or four days of the week, I spend a good chunk of the day outside of myself and seeing new (and sometimes familiar) faces.

Oh so back to the beginning. Though I said the year has passed so quickly and it feels like I was just getting ready for my surgery, at the same time December 2012 feels like forever ago. And moving forward, in retrospect, so much more insanity transpired. But as much of it I may have exhibited via the internet, the large majority of it was within myself. The first half of the year was incredibly difficult. Looking back at that whole period up until around June I see so much pain and confusion. I'm grateful to be where I am now. It's taken years, but I needed the last twelve months to figure out so much. I've had some deep realizations, especially regarding mania. Though I knew what I allowed to fuel it, I have a better understanding of why. It's always been the same--just varying degrees or different extremes of delusional misunderstanding.

I have a better understanding of when it was that a lot of my emotional strength began to shift. And it wasn't just after March 2011. Nah. So much more has made sense, and I spent an entire 80-minute geography lecture writing in my journal, figuring out a lot of this after it all came rushing forth for some reason.

The pieces are coming into view. And I could feel sad that I didn't make the connections sooner, but I'm working not to let myself do that. In fact, let me get my journal and see if there's anything brief worth writing from it.

Well. I don't want to go into any of the details, so I'll just leave with this:

"Yeah...so I guess from that moment on, I no longer felt confident in myself/expressing my feelings (and thus, standing up for my personal truths). Like, I'm not wording this properly. But I've over these years, started to be honest with myself about this. I didn't want to admit any of it."

And that's why I wasn't seeing.