The Song of Purple Summer

don't forget to breathe

2012-02-16T16:03:00.000-08:00

I know exactly what makes me "manic." I know what keeps me up all night. I know how to bring myself back to earth. It's just a matter of will. Sometimes I can't help but carried away by what I see and feel around me. It's then that I begin to exhibit the symptoms that always lead to increased dosages of medication. It's like I'm trapped in a labyrinth of my own creation. On the other hand, maybe I've lost all control...

On the night of my twentieth birthday, my emotions reached a boiling point. I couldn't stop sobbing. The pain was unbearable. It's nights when the loneliness hits me that I have to remember her wise words:

"Crying is working you up into a state of hysteria. In order to feel calm, you need to take some deep breaths and breathe out slowly. You know that the state of mania is not part of your soul. It's going to pass. You need to be strong, and help yourself to not be controlled by this."

[Keep your head above water, but don't forget to breathe.]

pressing matters

2012-02-13T22:17:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have to keep reminding myself that this is happening for a reason...I have to continue living like this until change comes along. But the most frustrating part of it all is that I have no idea when that will be, nor what the "change" will consist of.

And then there's the fact that I keep romanticizing the future. I keep imagining some sort of fairytale lifestyle that blows reality out of the water. Maybe I watched too many Disney movies as a child...

Of course, logic eventually enters the scene and reminds me that I am most likely delusional/out-of-my-mind/insane/etc etc.

Can someone please tell me who knows the answers to what's "real" and what's not? I'd really like to meet that person and have him/her break down the madness that is currently taking over my mind.

us

2012-01-25T22:14:00.000-08:00

I've come to realize a few things lately. I'd always understood them intellectually, but not emotionally. Now, I think I'm beginning to do so...

1) No one can ever be understood completely.

I used to feel so heartbreakingly lonely. I remember nights sobbing in my room, feeling as if my heart would cave in. I'd constantly tell my friends that they didn't understand me, that I'd never find anyone who truly would. But now I see how ludicrous that was. And even if it were possible to find someone who understood me entirely, it would take away so much of life's magic. We are all unique individuals with multitudes of personalities and characteristics to offer the world. If we all understood each other, we wouldn't be human.

2) The act of falling in love could use some re-examining.

Most people dream of finding a soulmate, their "other half," or the "missing piece" of their hearts. But I've come to see that we shouldn't enter into relationships with the intention of feeling more complete. We shouldn't search for someone to fill that void we feel within ourselves. No. Before we enter into a relationship with our soulmates, we need to have already filled that void on our own. We need to look within. We need to fully understand who we are (and not seek to be understood). We need to recognize our own self-worth (instead of seeking such validation from our loved one). We need to love ourselves. We need to know...no, not know...we need to feel and understand that we are Divine. We need to recognize that we are One with the Universe.

3) Love isn't two halves making a whole; it is two wholes--two self-realized souls--coming together to celebrate their completeness.

I'm not trying to be all preachy about this. And I'm not going to force these beliefs I've come to find on anyone. This blog is my way of expressing myself. It's my way of sending my message out to the whole world, yet at the same time knowing it will most likely only be read by those in my life. And that is perfectly fine by me. I'd also like to add that I don't regret any of my previous beliefs nor do I regret the road that led me to where I am. I wouldn't trade my past for anything.

P.S. I love you.

choose your own adventure

2012-01-20T23:16:00.000-08:00

I feel like my life has been and continues to be a modern day epic, in which I am the protagonist. I have no idea how the story ends, but I am perfectly okay with that. In fact, I don't want to know the ending. I just want to be fully present every moment as I watch it all unfold.

recent thoughts

2012-01-16T22:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I can't tell the difference between my sanity and my insanity. But really, who's to say what's real and what isn't? And then I get frustrated with myself for thinking certain things when I look at them from an objective point of view. However, in the moment, those very same thoughts seem completely logical.

I think the most important thing I need to do is stop living in the past. I need to remember the art of letting go, and just be.

a tidbit

2012-01-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that read, "not of this world." It reminded me of the phrase, "In this world, but not of it." If I had to describe my stance on life, that would be it.

so here we are

2012-01-15T19:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I wrote, "I can't wait to wake up" on my last post. Or on the various posts on other social networking sites of mine where I've said, "I can't wait to go home." I already am home and have been all along. This isn't a dream. I didn't die. I'm still here, and things are more magical than they have ever been. I didn't understand that something so wonderful could be real. But it is!

I mistakenly thought that I "woke up" three years ago. However, it wasn't until the start of this year that I finally understand: I was still "blind" all those years. It was all part of a gradual awakening process. I am now starting to "see" for real..and remembering how to listen as well. 2012 really is the start of a massive shift in consciousness, both on individual and collective levels. I've found so much meaning everywhere I go, especially through music. And it is so beautiful. Music has always saved me, but never like this.

So much is changing for the better. I can't wait to see what the future brings, as I float and fly through the present moment. Here. On this planet earth. My current home.

19/20 --> 1992 - 2012

2012-01-05T22:33:00.001-08:00

Genesis 1:29 --> And God said, "Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat."

My birthday is in exactly 24 days.

Genesis 1:30 --> "And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so."

I can't wait to wake up.

12 - all the world's a stage

2012-01-02T02:49:00.000-08:00

through the ages,

from the beginning of time

every love story

has been about the same two people

they're all just different times

with different plot lines

the same stories

repeat themselves

and will continue to do so

forever & always

"In the end, I wanna be standing at the beginning with you."

season's musings

2011-12-16T17:49:00.001-08:00

lately, a certain idea has been crossing my mind: the fragility of existence. I know it's nothing profound; it's just...sometimes, when I take a step back and ponder the fact that we're all here on this planet going through our experiences together...I don't know. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. I just know that everything has started feeling more delicate. life has so much beauty...and, of course, so much pain. it's as if I've come to view everyone and everything as pieces that make up a set of fine china. that sounds sort of lame, but I don't know how else to describe what I'm feeling...except for maybe this quote from "Desiderata."

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story...be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars."

I hadn't started feeling any sort of holiday spirit until today. though it's only slowly creeping on me, I hope it continues to do so in spite of certain changes to my family's situation...because it can be such a special--even magical--time. during this season especially may we remember the most important gift & treasure of this life: love.

reflection

2011-12-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

the mind gets going,
and comparisons
arise.

judgment
of oneself,

and feelings
of inferiority;

tears
of hopelessness,

and a sense
of misdirection;

the mind takes control,
and all peace
is gone.

these
are the moments

to pause

and reconnect.

the other side

2011-12-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

last night I dreamt I was being dragged from an unpleasant circle of screaming people into depths of complete darkness. there was no light: just a winding black staircase leading nowhere. and I was trapped. as hard as I tried, I couldn't escape. I felt panic...extreme fear. eventually, I woke up. and though it took quite awhile, I finally fell back asleep.

once again, I dreamt that I was in the same black room. but this time, the long spiral staircase didn't ascend into never-ending darkness; it led to a small, rectangular opening that seemed to be floating in mid-air. I somehow managed to climb through this portal and found myself in a glowing, white hallway. there were rooms on both sides and many more down the hall...each decorated in their own unique ways. there was a sense of peace about the place. at the end of the hall, i found a vacant room with walls made of glass. as I peered through the large window in front of me, I looked down and saw people going about their various activities. a certain sense of fellowship in the air, they all seemed content and connected with one other. it was unlike any city I had ever seen. a few saw people saw me and waved, smiling as if we were life-long friends.

after some moments passed, I took a seat in the center of the room and sighed with relief: I knew I was finally safe...I'd found my true home.

our window

2011-11-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

the raindrops
race

the raindrops
slither

the sound
is sweet

stigma

2011-11-06T22:50:00.000-08:00

if you are supposedly here to be supportive, how do you make such ludicrous remarks? it's so strange how a single label can change the way you look at me and cause you to come up with unreasonable explanations for my personality. you live with a delusional worldview, constantly creating more and more exaggerated drama. i've come to understand that i will never be able to change that.

but just because i went through certain experiences, does not make me a different person, nor does it explain my past or why i behave the way i do. i have always been--and still am--me.

as long as i stay centered in that truth, nothing you or anyone else may think or say will affect who i am.

on the road

2011-10-29T18:08:00.001-07:00

I know I'm supposed to be here...but right now, I can't help wishing I weren't. I know I shouldn't let certain things get to me...but sometimes, they really do. I'm constantly told I'm still "recovering" and things will get better...but times like these make it hard to remain positive. I know I'm still "me." At this moment, though, I don't exactly feel like myself.

However...deep down, I understand:

This, too, shall pass.

...I just wish it wouldn't take so long.

gratitude

2011-10-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

The paper on the edge of my tea bag reads, "Gratitude is the open door to abundance." The second I read this, I had to pause. The words really struck me for some reason. And now, as I sit here sipping my tea, I find that I'm still thinking about them.

Gratitude. I recall that before certain events this year took place, I was embracing this word more than I ever had. I remember waking up everyday, feeling so grateful that I was back at home, doing what I wanted to do with the people I love. I knew that I shouldn't fear the future because everything that needed to happen would reveal itself in time. I remember this one journal that I used specifically for making lists of everything for which I was thankful. Any time I thought of something, I'd make sure to write it down. I carried that journal with me everywhere I went as a reminder of life's blessings: both the big and the small.

Gratitude. I now realize I paused when I read that sentence because after all that has happened lately, I have completely forgotten about my former perspective. It's so easy to focus on what's wrong. It's so easy to wish things had happened differently, to get caught up in the past or the future and thereby, forget about the present. I can honestly say I don't think I've consciously been thankful for months. It's strange, really...how quickly a perspective can change. Our thoughts really do dictate the way we live our lives, though it is very easy (and human) to let them control us. It's so easy to believe we have no control over emotions, but if we make a conscious effort to become a watcher of the mind (instead of succumbing to it), everything can change.

Gratitude. Back when I fully embraced this concept, every single moment felt precious & daily life became almost magical. Now, I definitely can't say things are the same. But tonight, that small tea bag reminded me that my current state of mind needn't consume me forever. I need to be grateful for all the wonderful people and blessings I have in my life. I need to remind myself to stop, take a look around, and be thankful...for there is, indeed, so much for which to be grateful.

in spite of a bond

2011-10-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

it's been several weeks now since you stopped reaching out to me. i know you have a new person in your life. and i'd be lying if i said that I was beaming with happiness for you, when part of me feels replaced. i understood from the start that you were moving forward, but the way it was kept a secret for so long just didn't seem right.

things are so different now.

i thought you'd always be the one closest to me...maybe that's why this all feels so strange. it's sort of like our past, which meant so much to me, has been tossed aside. was our relationship really as important to you as you said it was? if so, how does it feel to have me missing from your life?

over these past weeks, i assumed i was just being melodramatic, so i sort of brushed my feelings aside. however, today, those feelings were brought back into the light. when he told me what he thought was going to happen, i didn't believe it. i couldn't. the idea seemed so unlike you and the person i thought you were. today, though, i'm starting to understand. he was right.

while i'm not letting your behavior hurt me, i would have expected much better from you. there's no good reason for your actions. you have so much already and in the future, you will have even more. so, tell me. why this? is it because of your resentments? if so, why can't you let them go? do you have any sympathy for his situation?

what happened to putting into practice what i thought you believed? remember what we once read...how everything comes down to one of two emotions: fear or love? it seems to me that you are coming from a place of fear.

where's the compassion? do you not see the sadness of what's happening here? deep down, your soul knows what's right. i just wish you would acknowledge the truth and choose love over fear...because peace is what we all need.

lately

2011-10-13T22:33:00.001-07:00

i've been trying, each day, to continue living in the present. but i sometimes can't help feeling down about the fact that i am in such a different place than most of my peers. those are the times i try to remind myself that there's no rush & all will eventually work out for the best.

i've also been trying to look past the current impact on my physical appearance and take solace in the fact that in the future, i'll be able to "heal" the way i'd like...in a holistic way. the sideffects of this so-called "medicine" go to show how unnatural it all really is. there are other ways out there. it's just that the majority have chosen not to pursue them further.

sometimes, i think that my "purpose" may have something to do with taking my experience and not only helping others with their situations, but working to change the current paradigm. but for now, all i can do is focus on today...one step at a time.

night's glow

2011-10-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

It's 1:48 am...

And I'm still wide awake, probably due to the coffee I had around 7pm as I sat by the warm fireplace with my father.

I'm not sure what led me to start a post, but here I am.

I just finished making a two-page list in my journal of random thoughts in bullet-point form. It felt good to get them all out & onto the paper. It's been so long since I've done so regularly.

I guess I'm sorta doing the same thing again here, which is interesting because I don't normally use blogspot for occasions such as this.

I'm currently lying in bed with my laptop. All the lights are off, except for the glow of the keyboard and screen.

It's been quite a while since I've been up this late.

I forgot how nice it feels to be the only one awake, to feel at one with the night.

This moment is comforting...

And the silence envelops me with its precious stillness of Being.

thoughts

2011-10-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here. I mean, I know there's a reason (otherwise I wouldn't be here). It's just...tonight really made me realize that the way the majority of people treat themselves and each other baffles me beyond belief. And I don't just mean things that are clearly 'wrong,' like violence for example. I'm talking about the little stuff too...judgment, gossip, jealousy, resentment, bitterness, anger, etc. Everything feels so foreign, and I can't relate. I don't see things in black or white. I don't know how to analyze anymore. I empathize deeply, but no longer "feel it all." Everything just...is. And though I am working on going back to living in the now like I was before that tumultuous disruption last March, I can't help but question whether these characteristics of mine will prevent me from getting through the "practical," necessary aspects of day-to-day living. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I just know that while I still see things from all sides, I am detached more than ever.

George Harrison summed it up best: "Sometimes I feel like I'm actually on the wrong planet. It's great when I'm in my garden, but the minute I go out the gate I think, 'What the hell am I doing here?'"

sideffects

2011-09-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

after months of looking past them, today they've started to weigh me down more than ever. i'm not one to care about appearances, but i do want to feel healthy. i've been trying so hard, but it seems like all the effort has been futile. i can't help but cry. i know this isn't everything nor is it set in stone, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm losing my own body. these cannot be the only options. there has to be some other way, and i'm going to get there.

a knowing

2011-09-25T23:52:00.001-07:00

I know that what happened was real.

I know there was a purpose to all of it.

I know this is just the beginning.

There is so much left to learn;

there is so much more to give.

I'm a wanderer (I can feel it in my soul), but I'm here to serve.

pieces

2011-09-18T21:42:00.000-07:00

Faith grows gradually...like a dimmer switch. Though we may not see how a problem or certain difficulties will be solved at the time, I've learned that we mustn't lose trust in the higher power within ourselves. It's okay to have doubts and misgivings, but we must persevere through them.

It is, in fact, our trials that make our faith stronger.

"just be"

2011-09-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. A long, difficult while. But today--for the first time in almost half a year--things have become so very clear. Through introspection, I've received a great gift: certain realizations have lifted my spirit and have led me to look at past actions in a healthy light. I've come to remember who I really am...why I am here. A sense of purpose cradles me, and I am no longer tormented by my situation.

And the best part of all this? As we made our way home--speeding along the freeway--I couldn't help but admire the trees, the birds, and the setting sun against a golden sky.

"The soul is the seer of all activity of the mind-body complex, and therein ultimately lies the seeds for freedom... We are [in our deepest self] the unseen seer of all phenomenal events. And yet the pain we experience in our more limited perspective paradoxically is to be celebrated, for it is exquisitely instructive, ultimately serving as a 'slingshot' into deeper self-knowledge. In this sense, 'experience' becomes the greatest guru of all, for embedded within it are the conditions not only for suffering but eventual liberation... mundane experience, with its fascinating array of pain and pleasure, tends ultimately toward liberation."

"To see myself and my life as they truly are is joy. After all the struggle and avoiding and denying and going the other way, it is deeply satisfying for a second to be there with life as it is. The satisfaction is the very core of ourselves. Who we are is beyond words - just that open power of life, manifesting constantly in all sorts of interesting things, even in our own misery and struggles. The hassle is both horrendous and wholesome."

saved

2011-05-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Don't die with your music still inside of you."

I came across those words a couple days ago, but it wasn't until today that they really clicked. Now I'm starting to fully grasp what I need to learn most of all. All this time, I've fought against what I have wanted for so long: to just be.

grounded

2011-04-26T19:56:00.001-07:00

It's strange. The day after I write of still not knowing how to distinguish what's "real," things start becoming clearer. I am unbelievably grateful for everyone I have supporting me; in spite of all that has happened, there is always so much for which to be thankful. And after fighting these demons for almost two months, I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to eradicate them for good as I move forward...back into the swing of life.

"Say you're with me;

there's gold ahead,

there's golden dreams

and life's hills & valleys:

yeah, will you hold on with me?"

crash

2011-04-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

She tells me that I'm not losing my mind because if I were, I wouldn't be aware of the fact. However, things have become so...I don't even know anymore. Everything has shifted, and the dividing line between what's real and what isn't has grown incredibly dim. It's times like these when I start to understand how certain people and things truly can (and do) take a permanent seat in your soul.

crinian wood: I miss(ed) You

2011-04-11T06:40:00.001-07:00

"maybe then we already are Home..."

we are,

and we have been

Home

all along

where the sidewalk ends

2011-04-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am going Home.

I am Home.

He is Home.

She is Home.

You are Home.

We are Home.

listen to your Soul's cry

2011-04-08T16:42:00.001-07:00

a cry: "do they know how much I love them now?"

a reply: "yes, sweetie. now you need to start taking care of your Self."

The Resolution (inspired by A.M. and 23)

2011-04-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

You promised
and I later "spoke"
of how you broke them

all.

But tonight,
I'm "dizzy"

no more.

I've found
a Light in the dark:

Just come

home

we already were,
we already are

pasts
futures
presents

...here.

the "beautiful letdown"

2011-04-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

someday,

it shall be read

by more

someday,

they shall be read

by more

someday,

more shall know

really know

and that day,

is also Now

rewind

2011-04-02T20:21:00.001-07:00

a cry: "do they know how much I love them?"

a reply: "not yet."

later: "shhh, people are sleeping. you'll wake everyone up."

home/union

2011-04-01T18:10:00.001-07:00

a great haze has been lifted from my vision,

and I understand: for now, no more orbiting.

I am grounded with this beautiful earth, our home.

"and I fall in love with the ones that run me through

when all along, all I need is you.

sing it out, sing out loud."

dejavu

2011-03-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

stabbing a practically-inkless pen deep into the veins of a blue-bound journal. trapped in an empty room. just my books, my mind, and a desk with a view of an all-too-familiar reflection. "manic," they called it. an "episode." but I remember every step, every moan, every realization: in the hospital--especially that first night--I came to understand: my whole life had been leading the way to those moments. but here--in this now--all I can do is wait... with love always.

walk the line

2011-03-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

I have no doubt that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. And the wonderful paradox is that there IS no "set route." Everything just is & forever will be. Yet, in spite of that fact, there is still an ever-present plan: you can only get from point A to point B by moving across the line. How we go about doing so? Now that's another matter and I, at this point, don't have the answer. In due time, though, we shall see... <3

"Here Comes the Sun" through the Sound of Music

2011-03-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

I had "been searching all of my days" since these eyes were opened by a certain twist of fate...or destiny, I guess you could call it. I meant what I'd said: my eyes were "brand new" and all "the world was dancing."

But in spite of it all, something was missing. I was trapped,"And the days kept turning into night..." I had thought I could fly on my own, but now I know that all along, I'd just been "learning to fly."

And all the pain, suffering, heartbreak, sickness, loneliness, and disconnect: they have disappeared completely (they are merely a distant melody of reminiscence) and the static has completely turned off.

All along, as I was seeing, I "never knew" I'd forgotten the most important part of Life: LISTENING. So, I say: "Thank you for the music, for giving it to me." Thank you for "hearing my Song." Thank you for riding along this world of a"Subway" train with me.

Now I understand the truth and meaning behind the old-phrase, "All You Need is Love." "We're half-awake in a fake empire and let's try not to figure out everything at once." After all, "What does the brain matter, compared with the Heart?" "...cause now, we're HERE. And that's just a thing that takes 'time.'"

Noah and the Whale, whose concert I am going to miss tonight, sings "It's the first day of Spring, and my life is starting over again. Well, the trees grow, the river flows, and its water will wash away my sin. For I do believe that everyone has once chance to fuck up their lives. Like a cut down tree, I will rise again; I'll be bigger, and stronger than ever before...there's a HOPE in every new seed & every flower that grows on the earth."

Anandamaya Kosha

2011-03-11T04:43:00.000-08:00

"...as I stood there smiling & absorbing the euphoria, it suddenly dawned on me: "This is a dream. I am dreaming." Without a single thought, I instantly knew what to do. SPREAD ARMS OUT. ROTATE FEET. LIFT UP. DOWN. REPEAT. Suddenly, I was flying. Over the sea and into the open sky. "This is a dream, but I'm not dreaming. This is real." (March 11, 2010)

"Dreams feel real. As we dream, we often think we have no control and react as though the events that happen to us are out of our hands. But then, when we awake, we realize that this is not so, that we were really in control of everything. Who’s to say the same goes for life, but we just don’t know it yet? Everything that 'happens' to us results from our own choices and reactions. Like in dreams, we have the latent power to not let our minds get the best of us. Underneath it all, we choose the way we want to feel. It’s time to WAKE UP. Life has the capacity to be nothing but a lucid dream...we just don’t know it yet." (June 15, 2010)

Today is March 11, 2011.

Much has happened since I wrote the above two entries. All the pain, all the heartbreak, the unceasing loneliness has led me to Now: a constant flow, a constant surrender to the present moment. I am in awe of the unending signs & synchronicity I have received recently and throughout my life.

But when it comes down to it, there really are no words to express this gratitude.

just Love.

yes

2011-03-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

sure, it's only been a week...but I know there is something really magical taking place here. something I don't think I could have ever imagined. synchronicity so frequent, synchronicity so clear that I can no longer doubt what I've come to know these past months. the Universe is spiraling this all out for us, letting us know that everything is happening as it's supposed to...letting us know we're on the right path.

the moment I saw you several weeks ago, I could tell you were someone special; later on, the moment we "happened" to sit next to each other, I was almost taken aback by the warmth of your smile.

you feel like home because we both know where we truly dwell.

simple

2011-03-08T13:34:00.000-08:00

This tree above, it is singing to me

and knows.

This tree above, it is embracing me

with Love.

here

2011-03-08T02:35:00.000-08:00

there are moments when

I close my eyes
and feel the past

still moving.

everyone I've ever been,

everything I've ever known

all happening--

rushing together at once

in this eternal Infinite,

this Divine now.

"...of love?" but, what about this love?

2011-03-07T00:08:00.000-08:00

after she left, having finished describing her day with you, I sat in silence. as I sat there at the kitchen island, staring aimlessly at the lights in the distance, it hit me: there is still a small part of me that wishes things were different.

there is still a part of me that wishes you cared enough to address that message in which I poured out my honest feelings. there is still a part of me that wishes you would be willing to sit down and discuss everything in a loving, open-minded manner.

a part of me still wishes you would take a step back and truly analyze yourself...not just according to various regimens established by others that merely cause you to think you are doing so. a part of me wishes you that you told me you missed me...instead of going around and gossiping with others about the issue whenever you find it convenient.

a part of me wishes you exerted the same amount of effort and enthusiasm into communicating with me as you do in promoting this new endeavor of yours. a part of me wishes you wanted a relationship with your daughter as much as I'd like to have a relationship with my mother.

but those wishes clearly do not make the whole: all other parts of me know I have done everything I could. though I easily might have chosen to turn away completely, I've reached out to you. I've not once retaliated back at your attempts to create drama, instead choosing peace & acceptance of where you are, acceptance of what is.

and in spite of the moments of sadness that may fall upon me every so often, that is what I will keep on doing: living in peace and acceptance.

the passenger seat (call me crazy)

2011-02-25T17:34:00.000-08:00

Creeping along the freeway. Major traffic. Pouring rain. Windshield wipers waving. Taillights glowing. Practically at a standstill here on the 405, I'm surprisingly not the least bit frustrated. I only feel united with my fellow human beings as we look ahead of us & gradually make our way through the storm.

"always"

2011-02-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

stoppin' to smell the roses;

making prayers out of dandelions

the wind whistles through my hair

higher self // the answer lies within

2011-02-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

you alone

have sent me here

you alone

know my purpose

you alone

know the path

oh great Wisdom,

guide me through this life

"if you want it, say it loud"

2011-02-07T00:37:00.000-08:00

from this moment on, I intend to keep flowing through the present, following where & how my intuition leads me. no more overthinking:

just listening to the whispers of my soul & being here

...now.

an uncommon, saturday-evening-sight

2011-02-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

as the sun sets over a sparkling, crystal-clear ocean & sinks into distant, violet clouds, the birds make their way home. I have never seen so many at one time...hundreds & hundreds of birds. and they keep flying...farther & farther from view until what have now become tiny specks seem to disappear altogether.

from the "left" portion of the sky, more and more birds appear & continue flying in the same direction. I start to find that this pattern is repeating itself as endless amounts of birds keep on appearing...a never-ending cycle.

though each bird may be unique & individual in comparison to all the others, together they make ONE FLOCK. and though all fly at their own paces & in their own ways (some more gracefully than others), every single bird is journeying toward the same destination; in time, each one of them will ultimately disappear into that brilliant, setting sun.

what i've learned

2011-02-02T18:32:00.000-08:00

If you want something, don't say "I want." Say, "I'll have."
If you want to be happy, don't say "I wish." Say, "I'll be."

If you want to change, stop talking about it.

Make a decision and do it.

But first, make sure it's what you--not society or the opinion of others--truly want & know is best for you.

Truth

2011-01-31T23:22:00.000-08:00

more and more, things are starting to make sense. and i'm realizing the ways in which I too was in the "wrong." for that, i am sorry.

thank you for opening my heart. if it weren't for all that happened, i still wouldn't know what real love is.

chances are

2011-01-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

I cry,
for their pain

and that of
the world

(a formerly persistent happening)

but this time,
it's a bittersweet sorrow
with a knowing underneath

after a day of silence

2011-01-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

"Hello." "Hi! You've got the best spot, huh?" a smiling, older man says to me while I sit on my favorite bench. As he walks on by, tears well in my eyes; I feel cradled by the love of this Universe. Watching him stop farther down the path to admire the setting sun from another angle, I think to myself, "You're right, kind sir. Except, we've all got the best spot. It's just a matter of getting reacquainted with it...a matter of self-realization."

HOME

2011-01-25T01:23:00.000-08:00

Everything satisfied for the moment but would ultimately fade; nothing left a consistent sense of happiness. In spite of my newfound awareness and love of life, I was essentially a conglomeration of varying moods, driven by extreme sensitivity and depth of feeling: up and down; down and up; again and again and again (...and again). The "zest" was never enough: that all-too-familiar loneliness sunk deep.

Last February, I wrote how part of me still longed for something more: "It's only been a year, but I'm thirsting again. For what? I'm not exactly sure. I just know that I am. There is so much now, and for that I am incredibly grateful. But tonight I realized that in spite of it all, something's missing." It was an intangible, all-too-apparent desire.

So here we are, two years since the awakening. And now, I know. Now, I understand. Nothing fades anymore--for You are constant happiness, constant joy. And I am not my moods (heck, I'm not even "I"). That awareness, that rich, beautiful, awe-inspiring awareness was just a taste: a "precursor," if you will. I now know why I was so stuck, so trapped.

It is You I was lonely for.

"we are the words"

2011-01-23T00:11:00.001-08:00

A smiling couple entered the store this afternoon to purchase two sandwiches. "Mike's Way?" I asked enthusiastically. "Brittany, they can't hear you." It was then that I realized my mistake: this couple was deaf. However, they did not seem at all bothered by my initial misunderstanding & proceeded to smile as they pointed out their toppings of choice and even spoke a couple words here and there.

For some reason, this was a really poignant moment for me. I was amazed by the beauty of their conversation--their swiftly moving hands & the way they mouthed words to one another. I was amazed that they still spoke a bit to me even though they lacked the ability to "hear" in the normal sense of the word.

As I stood there, it dawned on me how, until this moment, I seem to have taken one of the greatest gifts of life for granted: my voice. I can speak. I can shout. I can whisper. I can laugh. And people will hear me. What an incredible gift...the fact that our own thoughts and emotions can be made clearly known by speaking words to those around us.

But as I stood there & continued to think about all this, I realized that this couple is also blessed with the same gift. They too can speak. They can shout. They can whisper. They can laugh.

On the surface, the means of communication may seem different: talking versus silence. But don't we all look into each others' eyes when we talk to one other? Don't we all use facial expressions to express what we're feeling? Laughter, tears, a smile--all say more than a thousand words ever will. And it is amidst the silence that we come to remember who we really are.

a vessel

2011-01-20T00:29:00.000-08:00

What used to be difficult is now almost effortless as the light that resides here pours out every day, everywhere.

an elusive illusion

2011-01-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

sitting in silence,
I focus solely on my breathing

a breath in,
a breath out

in
and out

in
and out....

so absorbed in this mindfulness,
the experience feels no longer than several moments

but upon opening my eyes,
I discover that about twenty minutes have passed

...isn't "time" just a curious, fickle thing?

physical, astral, causal -- ONE

2011-01-14T00:45:00.001-08:00

How many lives had I lived not knowing your Love? How many times did you call out to me, but I refused to listen? Never again. I won't lose sight. I am no longer blind: you are ever-present within me, within them, within that...in everything. From this day forward, my life will remain lucid.

because it's open: enhanced

2011-01-11T00:08:00.000-08:00

the city lights
in the distance

always glowed,
but now they flicker

it's okay; shift

2011-01-07T00:33:00.000-08:00

Somehow, the right words always seem to find us when we need them most.

"Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."

And soon after, I remember to drop the words and take the time to fall into the beauty of everything & nothing.

1:43 PM: a start

2011-01-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

sunlight beats down on my face; the music pounds in my ears & flows through me. walking down this busy but familiar street, I embrace the warmth and my surroundings, all that is around & above. tears start to well in my eyes as that deep sense of peace and joy washes over me, filling my heart and soul.

rejoice, for it's a new year! and I know that we are in for great change. I can feel it.

"your mind is like blue sky"

2010-12-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

I find that more and more, I have to remind myself not to let the storms of certain loved ones affect the blue sky within. It's hard to watch their skies, so dark and gray, as they become more and more angry with long-held grudges or various trivialities. It's hard when I see how much it hurts them, when I see the bigger picture underneath. But in spite of it all, I've managed to keep my peace and stay in-tune...beyond grateful for this guidance to remain strong.

grateful

2010-12-29T00:58:00.001-08:00

just a week ago, a particular incident warned me not to put too much faith in strangers; however, today I was reminded that though caution is indeed necessary, I needn't lose all hope because honesty and kindness exist in even the most seemingly dire of situations.

happiness

2010-12-24T03:48:00.000-08:00

I slowly open my eyes to find my palms lifted, facing upward against the familiar gray shadows on the ceiling. It's as if I'm seeing my hands for the first time, and I find myself in awe of the intricacy of each finger. Grateful for this newfound angle and appreciation, I proceed to slowly circle them through the air. I close my eyes once more, and this time see thousands of white specks against deep, black space: stars. I have been transported to another galaxy entirely. Whirring through the Cosmos at infinite speed, a familiar white light flickers in the distant center. As the endless space continues to envelop me, I can't help but smile: there truly are universes beneath our skin.

inside

2010-12-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

don't let me forget,

I know this is true

don't let me forget,

my love flows from you

the rain, it pours down

though sun's peeking through

the rain, it pours down

a reminder of truth

To the woman who gypped me of my grandma's christmas money,

2010-12-20T18:49:00.001-08:00

I knew from the second you began your rambling, detailed story that the chances of it actually being true were slim to none. A combination of common sense & intuition led me to sense that something about it all was not right.

But still, there I stood, nodding and listening as the rain poured down on you.

After "exchanging numbers," I had you look me in the eye and confirm that you were being genuine, though even then, I sensed--I knew--that the number was fake and that "genuine," you were not.

But still, there I stood, opening my journal & taking the crisp $50 bill out of its envelope.

I put it into your open palm as you gasped with relief and gratitude. You shook my hand to thank me, but I gave you a hug and wished you luck with everything. As I crossed the street, the foolishness of what I'd just done started to hit me. Why did I give you the money when from the beginning, I knew you were lying? Why did I play along and exhibit empathy for you? I think part of me wanted to believe your story, even though it couldn't have been a more obvious scam. I think part of me wanted to help you because you seemed so desperate, so strung out.

And it's strange. Yesterday, as I walked away, I calmly admitted the mistake to myself, recognizing what had just transpired as a life lesson I needed to learn. However, today, after I called your "number" and felt the full reality of the situation wash over me, I started to cry--and not because I would never get the money back. No. I could care less about the money. I cried for you and the many other troubled people who behave like you do on a daily basis. I cried as I understood the lesson I needed to learn: I can't always give people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm not going to be able to help everyone I meet along this journey; in some cases, it's necessary to say no and walk away. At times, there really is such a thing as being too nice.

a sincere desire

2010-12-18T00:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wish I could sit down with all the people I know and tell them everything about them that is beautiful. And by "beautiful," I'm not referring to physical beauty, though oftentimes a person's physicality will glow due to the energy of the life force within. There are so many intricate pieces that make up each person...so many varying traits in personality, so many different kinds of passion and ways of expressing oneself. Everyone is so unique. Everyone has a story. Sometimes, I just want to tell everyone how much I love them.

"I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being."

center

2010-12-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

the music swells and fills my soul, chills darting up my back and down my arms. the notes are drawn out, encapsulating the complexity of human emotion. singing fully, engaged completely....voice in-tune with presence.

Hare Raama Raama Raama, Seeta Raama Raama Raama....

"Let the river of these names take you...let yourself float in the beauty of your own heart into the ocean of love that fills all space, that ALWAYS is...that ONLY is."

highest

2010-12-14T13:17:00.000-08:00

eyes closed

in darkness

concentration

on that beloved point

shifting patterns,

swirling, spiraling.

coming forward

from center

a twisting,

open circle.

grateful for

this shining light,

a light of peace.

sweet synchronicity

2010-12-12T23:34:00.001-08:00

the other day after exiting a coffee shop, I made my way down the sidewalk and observed my fellow human beings. many brushed past me on their cell phones, while others would stare blankly ahead at the empty space in front of them, perhaps running through their mental "to-do lists," thinking about their destinations, or recalling past conversations. that's when I realized why it is so refreshing (albeit rare) to make eye-contact with smiling strangers. it's like connecting, if only for a second, with someone else who is awake in the dream.

after a minute or so I made it to the end of the sidewalk. while waiting for the stoplight to change so I could cross the street, I took the first, precious sip of my eggnog latte. I instantly felt the familiar spark of warmth that starts in the chest and then spreads throughout the entire body. it was right at that moment that it occurred to me how that feeling of comfort is not too different from the ever-present joy that has lately been pervading my heart, my being. in fact, they are almost identical.

so it begins

2010-12-07T00:33:00.000-08:00

"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost."

It seems that this is going to have to become my mantra. There's no rush. Nowhere does it say that the typical route is carved in stone. I send you love & light on your journey, but please understand that we each have to discover what is best for us in our own way. In fact, what seems unwise or illogical to you may be enlightening and necessary for another.

"isn't it a pity?"

2010-12-04T00:58:00.000-08:00

the old saying about "all paths" has never been wrong per se, but it seems to only truly apply in rare cases these days. "all paths" may lead to the same destination in the sense that each "route" holds the same basic truths. however, as a wise radical once said, the translations have gone wrong. people are looking in the wrong places, blindly accepting (maybe even rejecting) all they've ever been told.

if you feel something's missing, stop searching outside yourself or assuming that "this" or "that" will happen when you reach the supposed "end." stop thinking. stop assuming.

just be,
go deep,
and know.

"the harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few."

omnipresence

2010-11-30T01:19:00.001-08:00

My eyes,
they were opened
--or so I believed

That was just the beginning;
I now know that I need

to keep searching more deeply
as I open my heart

In You lies my love,
and this is the start

All the beauty & joy
that I've known to be true
are merely small pieces
of the overall You

So grateful am I
as I'm starting to see
that the answer's in me,
and your light sets us free

I'll search and I'll find
what was there all along

I'll search and I'll find
that your Love is the song

within you & without you

2010-11-29T02:07:00.000-08:00

as I sit here & the night wares on, I recall yesterday's walk (crisp air, the twirling dance of leaves, and a crystal-clear sky).

The past few days I've come to realize something: I'm much quieter than I used to be. Sure, that has has always been an occasional characteristic of my personality...but this is a more definite shift. It became apparent while recently spending time with dear friends I hadn't seen in a while. There were many more moments in which I felt no desire to infuse the conversation with loud & spontaneous energy. Instead, it felt more right for me to observe & maintain a sense of calm contemplation. Again: sure, those have always been characteristics of my personality...but they've grown deeper now. I found myself having to frequently insist that I was "okay," to assure them that nothing was wrong. Part of me wishes I could better explain the reason for this change, but I know that's something I must keep within as I continue on the path.

as I sit here & the night wares on, a familiar, winter-sort of wind howls outside my window (echoing from chimney to fireplace, rustling the trees, and bringing peace).

a tender truth

2010-11-24T01:39:00.000-08:00

you looked me straight in the eye & said that every person is made up of various boxes and that in our relationships, we have to turn over all the boxes that make up a person in order to uncover their individual being. you told me that right now, a present interaction provides ongoing excitement and mystery; while over here, the last box was overturned a long, long time ago. so far back in the past that we couldn't remember if we tried...so far back that right now, there is nothing left to find.

and that is perfectly alright.

now

2010-11-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

Love is bigger than the mind. Love is bigger than what I want. Love is bigger than envy...and much more than a feeling.

Love is recognition; it is acceptance.

infinite: don't forget

2010-11-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

we're all learning,
we're all growing

deep within...we remain one.

It's quite the paradox, but we're heading toward the same goal...ultimately we'll all reach the same state.

deep within...your soul's still there.

many lives: notbroken

2010-10-26T02:18:00.000-07:00

it's been fascinating. strange. unreal. torturous. mysterious...mystifying...mystical, even.

and it is what it is.

For so long, I've yearned to know what is really buried beneath these feelings & for the first time, it seems I may be able to get the help to do just that.

No longer is this some sort of impossible fantasy.

and it is what it is.

clipped - part 2

2010-10-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

I passed by you on a bus, but it wasn't until much later that I realized what I'd missed. I ran. Sprinting up and down hills of endless streets, running past those horrible "soldiers" as they set fire to the concrete. I was so scared that they wouldn't let me pass through, but I guess I looked "the part" enough because somehow, I made it. A huge center. There were so many stairs...and I almost got trapped underneath as some flights were unbelievably close to the ceiling. But I finally made it to the window. It was empty, except for a random man in the worn leather booth, gazing out the window. I said to him, "This is my lucid dream. I should be able to do what I want, right?" For some reason I turned around and in an instant, you were there. But the second we embraced, I cried. Because it wasn't real & it never had been.

I knew just as much, but it still hurt. And you told me I'd get through this.

clipped

2010-10-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard I tried, I could not fly.
Even in the presence of loved ones, surrounded by the strong walls of my own home,

I could not fly.

So I taught my brother. "This is my favorite thing to do when I know I'm dreaming. I want to show you how..." I later attempted a few times more, but still to no avail. So we just watched him beautifully spread his arms, peacefully floating in the air above us. She said something about how my inability was probably a result of my current mental state out in reality. I agreed. Something must be very wrong when I can no longer feel free.

to just be

2010-10-11T00:17:00.001-07:00

sometimes, we're faced with unexpected troubles & must make a choice. and sometimes, the hardest decisions are the right ones. I wrote several months back that "the right choice isn't always the easiest." while that holds true in this case as well, I know I need to do this.

"what saves a man is to take a step. and then, another step."

blurred weeks

2010-10-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

This isn't me. I'm not me. This goes against everything I know. I need to pick myself up. I need to care. Or at least suck it up. I don't do anything. I don't want to do this. But that shouldn't matter. I've created a mental block. I miss home. The others miss home. But they still do it. I don't understand. I don't know.

I may physically be here, but I am gone.

wise words

2010-10-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

"that's for sleeping people. people who look at their feet when they walk, instead of looking up."

even if i tried, i could never go back to sleep.

on the verge

2010-09-30T02:27:00.000-07:00

still there,
underneath it all

unfolding,
give it time

adjust

2010-09-23T21:39:00.001-07:00

floating through the days,
sleep is what I crave

I need to get up,
but I'm stuck.

wanderer

2010-09-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

this is all-too familiar...so familiar it has become foreign: tainted & insignificant. this body doesn't need much, but this mind wants to help & this soul wants to spread some light.

spiral out

2010-09-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

It used to be "words" that provided that comfort...or so it seemed. Now it's clear that it's not about the words...but the space between them: the gaps. "Wrap me, cover me" not with words...but nothingness. Grounded, to face this intensity and wonder. "Dripping, oozing tenderness."

moving forward

2010-09-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

nothing is truly hidden: it's an open secret.
the message is here for all of us: it's waiting for you.

a match

2010-08-26T22:23:00.001-07:00

the signs keep coming,
the path keeps growing

and I know that this couldn't be more right.

a reminder, a fact

2010-08-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

You may tell yourself you're not good enough, but you are.
You may tell yourself you can't, but you can...and you will.

You have a specific purpose, a calling; this is part of the journey.

patience

2010-08-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

I watch the action from a distance--always here on the sideline. sometimes I listen, give advice, and smile--knowing that someday, it will be my turn.

but sometimes I still get lonely.

the horizon

2010-08-07T00:20:00.000-07:00

speeding down that freeway,
the lights of our city

music blasting,
the wind in my face

air rushing in,
from both sides and above

the motion we both love

we sing out,
belting words that get us through

hands up and out against the night,
then together to remember

everywhere at once

2010-08-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

Emily Dickinson couldn't have been more right: "To see the Summer Sky is Poetry." There's nothing like that beautiful blue...the zig-zag clouds and the golden sun, just starting to set. There's nothing like a breeze, the slight chill that hits the back of your neck and brushes against your bare feet...whilst the sun beats down on your face. Nothing like a frighteningly close nest of buzzing bees...and the unexpected pleasure brought on by their company. There's nothing like the noises of rustling branches behind you, rushing cars farther down in front, and a speeding plane overhead. There's nothing like shadows created by light from the setting sun...and the realization that its warmth will never actually leave: it's always here, within each one of us.

"I see you colorful; I see you in the trees.
I see you spiritful; you're in the breeze.
I see it in your hands; tree fingers draw a beam.
I see you in the sand; roll down the stream..."

As a flock of birds flap their wings against the summer sky, I am left with this message: our souls are meant to soar.

"this is how...shine"

2010-07-26T00:20:00.000-07:00

you saw me.

you were the first, but I now understand that you weren't what woke me up. your presence...that undeniable connection definitely played a part: it was the final push toward a new beginning. but it wasn't everything. that start was the result of years of change and growth. yes, you helped. you were vital...necessary. and you continued to teach me even when you'd leave on and off...without trying, without knowing. each day brought more and more. but still--in spite of your presence and aid--the awakening was a matter of self-discovery.

you saw me.

my eyes were opened & we seemed to see together, but slowly the colors became even brighter. and I felt so alone. you hurt me without trying...more than I think you'll ever know. as I came into myself and saw the beauty all around, my love grew deeper. as my awareness expanded, so too did the intensity of my feelings. but still--in spite of the wrongs you committed and the pain I couldn't control--I have no regrets about anything. this all happened exactly the way it was supposed to.

you saw me.

day and night, you absorbed my thoughts, my dreams. for so long, I waited for the moment we would see from the same perspective. I wanted you to feel and embrace the light: together and within. but now, we no longer view the world in all the same colors. we face the difficulties in different ways.

I see now.

this is a freer kind of love. I can separate what you gave me and my care for you from my false hopes and uncontrollable emotions. we have different purposes, different challenges. you have to go through what life brings you, just as I have to go through what life brings me. but still--I want you to know--I will always be here.

I've just stopped waiting.

within

2010-07-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

a burning candle floats center and holds its orange glow for a few moments, then disappears into darkness.

shifting shapes, shifting space.

shanti, shanti; you are infinite.

a taste

2010-07-18T00:21:00.000-07:00

started to feel
bits and pieces

of what it's like
on the other side

light

2010-07-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

A month or so ago I wrote something along the lines of, "Underneath it all, we choose the way we want to feel." And I wanted to expand on that thought. While we have no control over how someone or something may affect us, we do have the amazing ability to choose our ultimate reactions. Without consciously realizing it, we usually find it easiest to respond with anger/sadness to something that hurts us. We hold on to these feelings. They become a part of us. And though this kind of response is indeed tempting, there are other options: recognition and acceptance.

Feel your emotion--be it anger, frustration, bitterness, envy, regret, sadness...anything. Recognize it. And let it flow through you. Sit with it. Then, when you're ready, let it go. And feel the freedom.

Accept the entire situation as a necessary lesson...start to see what the experience taught you or perhaps understand that you may not realize the lessons till later. This option, when acted upon daily, allows for a kind of inner peace and joy that cannot be broken, no matter how intense our feelings may be.

rescued

2010-07-12T01:14:00.000-07:00

Each of us has been hurt in some way. Each of us has experienced deep pain. Our stories may be different, but--when it comes down to it--we are all just tiny, broken pieces of a marvelous, GIGANTIC puzzle.

Next time you feel alone, remember: we are one (and this puzzle would never be complete without your past, your present...YOU).

unbound

2010-07-07T22:58:00.001-07:00

that last flick of the switch
led to a darkness unlike anything I'd ever seen.

my darkest night
and a sound so final.

the right choice isn't always the easiest.

rebirth

2010-07-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

how did I not see it till now?

speeding down the freeway;
head out the window. lights. dark blue.

it's that evening sky that told me;
the higher self spoke and all was clear.

it's okay to love and let be.

for the day

2010-06-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

I don't remember anything except that I was falling down deep...sinking. I couldn't stop it. I remember someone trying to reach me from above, but they were so far away...and I kept sinking. I don't know whether I was eventually saved or not, but I guess it doesn't really matter either way. Both interpretations seem to provide some sort of hope.

"To dream that you are drowning indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by unresolved emotions or repressed issues that are coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to understand your unconscious thoughts. You should proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, this refers to an emotional rebirth. If you survive the drowning, then a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil."

in/out

2010-06-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

I hope you know what you mean to me. I hope you can see it. I know I've said this before & words will never be enough, but let me say it again...thank you.

I hope you know you are beautiful.