many lives: notbroken

it's been fascinating. strange. unreal. torturous. mysterious...mystifying...mystical, even.

and it is what it is.

For so long, I've yearned to know what is really buried beneath these feelings & for the first time, it seems I may be able to get the help to do just that.

No longer is this some sort of impossible fantasy.

and it is what it is.

clipped - part 2

I passed by you on a bus, but it wasn't until much later that I realized what I'd missed. I ran. Sprinting up and down hills of endless streets, running past those horrible "soldiers" as they set fire to the concrete. I was so scared that they wouldn't let me pass through, but I guess I looked "the part" enough because somehow, I made it. A huge center. There were so many stairs...and I almost got trapped underneath as some flights were unbelievably close to the ceiling. But I finally made it to the window. It was empty, except for a random man in the worn leather booth, gazing out the window. I said to him, "This is my lucid dream. I should be able to do what I want, right?" For some reason I turned around and in an instant, you were there. But the second we embraced, I cried. Because it wasn't real & it never had been.

I knew just as much, but it still hurt. And you told me I'd get through this.

clipped

No matter how hard I tried, I could not fly.
Even in the presence of loved ones, surrounded by the strong walls of my own home,

I could not fly.

So I taught my brother. "This is my favorite thing to do when I know I'm dreaming. I want to show you how..." I later attempted a few times more, but still to no avail. So we just watched him beautifully spread his arms, peacefully floating in the air above us. She said something about how my inability was probably a result of my current mental state out in reality. I agreed. Something must be very wrong when I can no longer feel free.

to just be

sometimes, we're faced with unexpected troubles & must make a choice. and sometimes, the hardest decisions are the right ones. I wrote several months back that "the right choice isn't always the easiest." while that holds true in this case as well, I know I need to do this.

"what saves a man is to take a step. and then, another step."

blurred weeks

This isn't me. I'm not me. This goes against everything I know. I need to pick myself up. I need to care. Or at least suck it up. I don't do anything. I don't want to do this. But that shouldn't matter. I've created a mental block. I miss home. The others miss home. But they still do it. I don't understand. I don't know.

I may physically be here, but I am gone.

wise words

"that's for sleeping people. people who look at their feet when they walk, instead of looking up."

even if i tried, i could never go back to sleep.