When I replay the events from that weekend & Monday March 14th in my head, I can pinpoint the moments where it would have been so easy to make a different choice. Who knows where I'd be now? Perhaps I'd be studying for those classes I enjoyed so much. Or maybe walking home from the bus stop, enjoying the cool breeze...
I am not doing any of those things. In fact, I am nowhere close to doing so. Instead, I'm ruminating over what were some of the darkest, most confusing times of my life. For the past two months, I saw symbolism in everything. The beautiful interconnectedness of all things that I had come to know and love grew unhealthy and overpowering. And though I would never commit suicide (and I asserted this fact constantly), the idea that that death would befall me was a constant. In fact, I was intermittently waiting for death throughout most of those two months. Various scenarios played out in my mind: in the ER somehow, due to the meds, in my sleep, in a car crash...
I didn't know how it'd happen, but I was certain that it would. And later, once I realized that wasn't going to happen, reality started to shift even more, and I began to think I'd already "died." Yet, even with my stacks of journals, I couldn't figure out when it'd happened. I felt like I was "living" in such a way now that I was actually "dying" every moment. I won't go into more detail, but one of my final fantasies was that I'd get to escape to the east coast and live a simple life in nature, hiding out until change occurred back at home and in our society/culture as a whole.
Today, I can see how far off all this is from what's indeed "real." I feel foolish, especially that certain past obsessions came back with full force while I was in the hospital. How did I let that happen? Why did I feel that I was so "special?" How did I dig so deep into the "dream" that I could no longer play my assigned role?
I must remind myself to be grateful that I am safe, thankful that I have such devoted loved ones. As difficult as it is right now, somehow it'll all work out. Somehow, I'll move away from the past and ultimately come to terms with this unexpected twist on my life path.
