the "I"

that is i,
that is me

is sick
of being sick,

is sick
of the mania.

i do not know what i am,
i just know i know nothing.

this is the way it's supposed to be,
i  finally get it.

i never emotionally understood or imagined that every single one of my prayers could be answered,
but they were.

i wanted to leave,
so i killed myself

and god showed me what it's like
when you refuse to be.

oh! gravity.

everything is going to be okay. i'm grateful for the periods of time where i remember this and feel great comfort. i just need to get better at reminding myself to remember. when i look back to two years ago, i remember the day--3/14/11-- that ultimately became a twisted nightmare. the next day--the infamous ides of March--led me to the boiling point of the madness. that is the day everything started to change and my world began to shift.

"Paul said: 'I die daily!' He meant that a part of his carnal mind, his lower consciousness, died every day. Paul also said that you must put off the old human and put on the new human. He meant that you must put off the carnal mind and put on the higher mind. This is a process that will take time, and it must happen gradually. If you were to be stripped of the carnal mind all at once, your soul would be thrown into an identity crises. You would no longer know who you were; you would lose all sense of continuity and identity. You would literally go insane. This has in fact happened to people who discovered the spiritual path and attempted to force the process of spiritual growth. They have attempted to take heaven by force, and in so doing they have invoked so much light from above that they have not been able to hold that light. Instead of raising them up, the light has blown apart their sense of identity."

i never thought i'd say this, but Monday March 14, 2011 has turned into an awe-spiring memory. i don't even have words. it's beautiful. i was in unbelievable danger, yet continually saved by the all-loving Creator of this universe as he/she/It made sure to surround me with protectors--both here on this physical plane and the spiritual realms as i walked down 3rd street and across the Santa Monica pier in a great haze. i remember every part of it. i wrote it all down in a journal back when i wanted to understand...back when it would not stop haunting my memory. i'm so glad i've written it down. it's a story, and i hope to share it some day.

while March 15th--that first dark, late night in my own room in the psych ward-- would seem to forever be the most traumatizing memory of my life, i now look upon it as one of the most significant. that was the night i was stripped of the carnal mind entirely as a result of the previous week's attempts to prove to my loved ones the power of the Spiritual and to help the world for which i'd cried so deeply. the memories of the night come in flashes...but one i remember most vividly is when i was screaming at the top of my lungs at the nurses about the sun. and how it was hurting. and how we needed to save this planet. i'd never felt such intense pain. i don't have words to be honest. it was as if my soul was being stabbed or something. i don't know. and then, of course, after that night...i'd "literally go(ne) insane." i don't remember the five days in the psychiatric ICU where they moved me after that night.

"When God created the universe, the first act of creation was the statement, 'Let there be Light!' Light is the basic substance from which everything in this universe is created. God's light is like a lump of clay. God creates by shaping the formless clay into a particular form. God creates by envisioning a particular image and then allowing his light to flow into that image until the light manifests as a material form. You are created in the image and likeness of God. You do not yet have the full creative abilities of God, yet you create the same way God does. You create by allowing your attention to focus on a particular image. God's light is constantly flowing through your consciousness (or you would not be alive). God's light obediently takes on the form of whatever image your mind is focused upon. If you hold your attention on a particular form for a sufficient period of time, you will manifest that form in your outer world. Hold your experience on mortality, limitation, and suffering, and you will experience those things in your life. Hold your attention on any imperfect image, and you will manifest imperfection in your life.

The dilemma expressed by Hamlet is meant to illustrate the basic fact that you can never stop creating. Hamlet did not want to act, yet by not acting, he brought about his own death. In their present state of consciousness, many people do not want to create. Yet whether you create consciously or unconsciously, you are still creating. God gave you free will, and you cannot turn off that gift; you cannot stop making choices. If you ignore or deny your ability to create perfection, you are still making a choice. Therefore, choose life! Choose the perfection of God over the imperfection of the lower consciousness.

You cannot stop creating, but you can choose what you create."

i will keep my mind wide open,

my eyes wide open,

and i will be.

i'm so

tired

of the vicious
cycles

i put myself through.

i'm so
tired

and cannot seem
to embrace

where i guess i'm supposed to be right now.

i have

a problem. school doesn't teach me what i want to study. in fact, what i want to study is considered unrealistic by most. and i have no idea what i'm doing with my life which is fine and dandy right now, but what if what i'm interested in is legitimately impractical and kind of insane?

where i belong

for years i proudly called myself "awake."

maybe my eyes opened,
but i needed to fall asleep:
and truly wake up
to finally understand:

"i" am nothing

because we are One.

red eyes

lately things have been getting to me. i thought i was finally over something. something that i wanted to let go of so badly that in late fall/winter 2010, i began a desperate & unknowingly unhealthy rush to proceed further on the spiritual path.

though i personally was feeling better and believed i had let go, i still could not accept the inherent perfection of the world's duality. i didn't realize that i was still failing to embrace/understand the cosmic laws of cause and effect...the necessity of duality here on earth. on march 14, 2011, the same something from the past started haunting me in ways it never had before...and the combination of that and extreme sadness for the world's pain made me forget that all energy is One and want to leave to go "be with God" on some other, more peaceful plane.

and then i lost my mind completely.

when i became more coherent, i still felt connected to the Universe. i still felt that energy. i had faith in God and knew i was being carried. though hospitalized for weeks and weeks, i still trusted that everything was happening for a reason in order for me to help others in the future. but i had a sense of foreboding that i was going to get in a car accident or something.

until may 2011. i gave up on my intuition, my dreams, my hopes. and my mind created my own personal hell. i no longer felt that something from before, but i was torturing myself in other ways.

i died alive.

i had turned into a walking ghost. until january 1, 2012. that something--along with all the delusions--entered my head after six months of freedom. but the joy they brought left entirely in march 2012. though no longer outwardly apparent, i was once again an empty, walking ghost. i wasn't me.

i was gone.

then came june 11, 2012. the accident. the day i came dangerously close to legitimate death here on earth. for three weeks, i was asleep. i wasn't here. my mind was gone and free from the numbed depression and pain. but my body was suffering.

everyone knew. and cared. and wanted to support me. so many people were worried for my life. and when i woke up, they wanted to talk to me. it seemed that everyone i'd ever known was there for me.

all but one.

however. i was alive again for the first time in almost three years. and that something wasn't haunting me. i remembered that it had been there but was disconnected from it. until late december. on christmas eve and christmas day, i completely broke down. everything came rushing back all at once and i couldn't stop it. not only that, i couldn't forgive myself for anything negative i'd ever done my entire life. to anyone.

we have finally reached 2013. and i have finally learned to forgive myself. but that something (along with past thoughts, conversations, feelings, and memories) follow me everywhere i go.

i believed i had finally let go, but the pain is back: it comes in waves. though i haven't discussed this with anyone in a long, long time...i remember i was told that things just take time. i no longer have my idealized view. i no longer feel that innocence. i no longer wear my heart on my sleeve.

and time still hasn't allowed me to let go. i knew i'd never forget. but there were periods where i wasn't haunted like this. i'm tired of the growing synchronicity.

i feel connected to everything and everyone's stories more than ever before, but i'm tired of the illusion in general.

i'll be okay.

right?

i am living a story. and i will keep living it.

why

do i still
hold on

to a person
who left

a long time ago?

to a person
who wasn't there

when everyone else wanted to be?

i am tired. this is draining. i don't want to drown again.