Ha

I just read my previous entry and loved the irony of the last sentence.

Anyway. That inspired me to write an entry here. I'm not sure what it will contain. Hmmm here we go. Stream of consciousness? Yes. No constant editing as I type.

Well, we've made it to November. Wow. I don't know. Time is passing so fast..it feels like just yesterday I was getting ready for the surgery I openly acted so calm and excited for as a means of suppressing the intense fears I had. That was fun when I didn't sleep the whole night before and had anxiety and was crying on the car ride there. It was that night I realized my true emotions about it, how my cold was psychosomatic of course (brought on by my weird fear thing like when I used to get sick before shows and all that).

Anyway. Wow. In just 16 days it will have been exactly a year to the day. I remember that whole morning in the pre-surgery room vividly and for some reason that whole morning is vividly entering my memory this very second, and waiting alone in the bare side of the hospital at 4am...it kind of feels like it was some other world. Haha I remember now that it felt so surreal, like I was in space or something. I don't know. That sounds weird. I'm glad I had Paws with me. And headphones. And certain songs on repeat. The anxiety lowered. And my dad was so helpful in the car.. But at the same time it was eerily reminiscent of the 2am drive--also to UCLA--for a far different reason back during the first week of January 2012. It was so weird because we were literally on the same freeway and the lights looked the same and everything and this just. I don't know. It was a really weird feeling and realization that occurred to me while driving to the surgery. I can picture exactly where we were on the freeway too. In a sense, that is what made me cry even more. But it wasn't bad. Just. So many emotions.

I remember the huge, open hallway with its wide window...the fact it was pitch black outside. That hallway felt so far away.  And then talking with dad in the pre-operating room...that amazing nurse who was able to create the IV and unlike the endless tries of other doctors over the years, found a working vein IMMEDIATELY (of course that hasn't happened since). I don't know why I'm focusing so much on that, but there was something so calming about her...and she had a beautiful smile and positive energy that comforted me, yet she couldn't have been in there for more than 3 minutes. Alright. Now this is turning into rambling. I could write more randomness about so much of this. Perhaps I will when I get my computer back to life? Tuesday I shall venture to figure out what's going on with that. I miss typing on a keyboard.

Going to work gives me a better sense of purpose. Actually going out and connecting with others...actually communicating with people. I don't know. I'm really happy that I don't really have friends that I chat with except two (or three sometimes). And even then, it's not constant or involved. I love keeping to myself and where I am with that. So that's why work is nice because on those three or four days of the week, I spend a good chunk of the day outside of myself and seeing new (and sometimes familiar) faces.

Oh so back to the beginning. Though I said the year has passed so quickly and it feels like I was just getting ready for my surgery, at the same time December 2012 feels like forever ago. And moving forward, in retrospect, so much more insanity transpired. But as much of it I may have exhibited via the internet, the large majority of it was within myself. The first half of the year was incredibly difficult. Looking back at that whole period up until around June I see so much pain and confusion. I'm grateful to be where I am now. It's taken years, but I needed the last twelve months to figure out so much. I've had some deep realizations, especially regarding mania. Though I knew what I allowed to fuel it, I have a better understanding of why. It's always been the same--just varying degrees or different extremes of delusional misunderstanding.

I have a better understanding of when it was that a lot of my emotional strength began to shift. And it wasn't just after March 2011. Nah. So much more has made sense, and I spent an entire 80-minute geography lecture writing in my journal, figuring out a lot of this after it all came rushing forth for some reason.

The pieces are coming into view. And I could feel sad that I didn't make the connections sooner, but I'm working not to let myself do that. In fact, let me get my journal and see if there's anything brief worth writing from it.

Well. I don't want to go into any of the details, so I'll just leave with this:

"Yeah...so I guess from that moment on, I no longer felt confident in myself/expressing my feelings (and thus, standing up for my personal truths). Like, I'm not wording this properly. But I've over these years, started to be honest with myself about this. I didn't want to admit any of it."

And that's why I wasn't seeing.

ours

I don't like using the word "my." I mean, it's impractical not to do so. But I am just aware of how weird it sometimes feels now when I use it, especially in regards to referring to others (i.e "my professor" or "my friend"). Like, nothing (and no one) is truly--solely-- "mine." Nothing belongs to me that is separate from the whole. Everything is connected and universal. I know it may sound frivolous because it's just a word, but words have power...oftentimes more so than we consciously realize.

I find the word "our" to be more appropriate or at least, feel more comfortable using it. That might sound weird, and I'm not wording this properly. It's just something that's been on my mind for the past week or so.

seeds

Lately I've been feeling the disconnect. Though I'm always aware of it, I'm--for the most part--no longer emotionally affected by it. The "loneliness" isn't unbearable as it was many years ago because I know that word or idea is far from reality. That doesn't change the fact that this planet often feels so foreign to me.  I'm glad that I understand possible explanations as to why I've never understood. But that doesn't change the fact that I still sometimes experience melancholy nights in which I wish for like-minded people to discuss certain concepts and ideas without sounding absolutely insane. But then--like now--I remember that this pattern is a bad habit that ultimately ends up draining me and always has the potential to spiral downward to a place of apathetic lethargy.

Okay. I'm glad I got this off my chest because in doing so I remembered the above and will now go shed myself of this negative energy.

ch-ch-changes

I've been meaning to write a post here the past week or so but wasn't reminded to do so until I saw this quote:

“I don’t know why people are so keen to put the details of their private life in public. They forget that invisibility is a superpower.” --Bansky

I'll admit this entire post is kind of ironic given the topic, but for some reason this blog compared to all the other social media outlets has felt most private (Don't worry. I'm not so delusional to think anything posted publicly or communicated via message online is actually private...thanks, NSA. ha). But this blog more than anywhere else on the internet has always been where I feel most comfortable expressing myself when it comes to personal emotions, thoughts, or general observations. And it has now become probably the only site where I'll continue to be most open.

I enjoy Instagram for its simplicity, but everything else has sort of drifted away when it comes to staying up-to-date on people I know personally. It's been so refreshing to no longer read everyone else's posts or update excessive details of my life on Facebook, Twitter, and even Tumblr for the most part. In fact, I love that I can avoid Facebook altogether thanks to push notifications. (It's funny because when I first realized all the benefits of not logging on anymore, I wouldn't do so for days...so I forgot to check if anyone sent me anything and would fail to read messages...but then I remembered I could change the settings on my phone so I no longer have to go on the site anymore! Obviously I got excited...ha) I am also grateful I thought to make a new Tumblr altogether. It has been so beneficial to follow blogs only about topics or issues I find significant.

Some other quick thoughts:

1) Going to school is more of a relief now that I found a great location to spend my time when I'm waiting for long periods in-between classes. It's upstairs, outdoors, in the shade, and not surrounded by overwhelming amounts of students. It's kind of like a random oasis (metaphorically speaking of course), and I don't feel uncomfortable or anxious. Now I literally only walk through campus when I go to my classes and then when I leave at the end of the day. And all three of the buildings I have classes in are right next to each other!

2) I feel like I'm kind of MIA all the time in regards to communication with anyone here that isn't family. There are only a couple of friends I keep in contact with...and even that is very minimal (I don't mind because it's sort of like the whole Facebook/social networking thing...I just feel more at peace keeping to myself).

3) I'm grateful to have been hired. It is an ideal location for me, I enjoy the environment/interacting with customers, and I am happy it surrounds me with topics I am interested in and will be able to learn more about as time goes on. The fact that it is privately owned and not a chain owned by a corporation is another aspect I love. Though I've only had three days of training and still feel nervous sometimes about the future, I must remind myself that I am fully capable and everything will continue to go well.

All in all, I am working to maintain a state of balance. I'm learning to be okay with where I am. I'll say it once again even though I say it enough already: I'm grateful for this blog.

I think that's it for now.

blue moon

I was reminded this evening how much I love running after the sun has set. The night felt quieter than usual. It was special.

And still is. 

daily

We are sparks from the Infinite.
We are not flesh and bone.

We are light.

today

"If you read what many thinkers are writing, especially in the alternative press where a larger vision of the hidden occult politics is brought into view, it is very easy to log on to their feelings of desperation and to have that commitment taken upon by the self. A certain degree of discernment is therefore very wise in what and how much is to be read, if you wish to maintain the highest state of balance and spiritual integrity. Without such a discipline, the negative news can literally be overwhelming, as an energy transfer of sorts occurs between the writer and the recipient."

The above excerpt is something I really needed to read as I've been spending more time delving into articles and websites that seek out the truth in our world governments, media, etc. I'm thankful for this reminder to remain balanced and make a conscious effort not to latch onto the negative energy or fear that comes along with everything. The words that follow are also something I'm grateful to read.

"We have spoken before of how humanity will, to a greater and greater degree, become infected, as it were, with the disease of fear. This is indeed a very tangible spiritual condition that is not easily rectified once it has taken deep roots into the subconscious mind. The negative elites have obviously fulfilled their Biblically-assigned job of ruling over the earth, meaning that: The media sources you interact with in that known as the "mainstream" do have a propensity for great distortions towards fear, and almost no trust in the inherent goodness of humanity, in the existence of an Ultimate Being or higher principle, or in the ability for human faith to create miracles where only desperation had previously existed...

Tough love can be administered in situations where a pathological, addictive behavior pattern has outlasted its usefulness. In the case of the individual entity, this often comes by hitting the "bottom," as it were. The bottom represents a time where all options for continuing the addiction appear to have been exhausted and, in 12-step support-group parlance, "life has become unmanageable." It is the life structure of your current civilization, propped up on endless tirades of fiat currency available at the touch of a finger and the rolling of the printing presses, continually causing greater and greater waves of devastation to its host, which is now bottoming out. 

The apparent chaos that you are now seeing is simply a form of molten liquefaction, a transitory phase leading to a greater degree of crystallization and perfection in what you call the future. Try not to let the heat of this catalyst burn you, but rather use it as your fuel to ascend along the spiraling line of light into higher and higher realms of awareness. This worldwide bottom will indeed have its financial and geopolitical repercussions, but as the master Jesus once spoke, "See that you not be troubled." These are the times of the changing of the guard, the final overturning of the endless rehashing of the old ways in the favor of the adaptation of the new ways...

The most efficient framework in which you can make this choice is in consulting with your own inner silence, rather than in the chatter of the outside world as the death-cries of a dysfunctional system of consciousness become ever more screeching. 

And the more that you can help out by asking yourself where the love is in any moment, the quicker and easier the transition will be."

Thank you.