from a soul to the Self

i've re-arrived at the conclusion that the most important relationship i can develop is with myself. i still believed that fact and have been reminded of it quite a bit lately, but tonight in meditative stillness i could literally feel it. there's so much there...so much more to connect, to understand, to accept, to love. going and growing deeper within.

free \\ it's all what you believe

It's been written that Buddha once spoke:

If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.

I just realized that if this statement is true, then the reverse is as well:

If you truly loved another, you could never hurt yourself.

The immense love I feel should apply to myself just as much as it does to the rest of the people in my life and all of the members of this planet. I've gone through such intense periods of overwhelming deep love and empathy for various people and humanity as a whole...so much so that at some points, it literally felt like my heart was breaking because of it. I am now seeing that, in spite of all this intense love and empathy for everything outside of me,  I never have consciously experienced self-love. On the surface, I may have thought I had...though I never really thought about it. Then, after the last four years, I slowly allowed my self-esteem to dwindle and ultimately reached a point of total disconnection where I consciously haven't held any sort of loving care and understanding toward myself. Just shame and regret.

But the fact that I that I feel I could never hurt someone or something else goes to show that I am capable. Deep down, my soul holds nothing but love and patience.

If I could never hurt another, I must truly love myself. 

I just need to remember this fact and not allow the mind to blind my soul. From this moment forward, I am setting an intention of remembrance...and I know I have guidance to succeed.

who we are

To define God in one word, 

"love" is The Only Term There Is. 

Just saw this, and it makes me think. Yesterday I was thinking about this very concept while listening to one of my favorite songs by The Rocket Summer.

"Nothing matters, but what we offer in love."

So essentially...when it comes down to it:

Nothing matters, but what we offer in the spirit of The Creator--what in actuality makes up each one of us. There's no hierarchy. No anger. No judgment. No punishment. No hatred. No revenge...only Truth suppressed under the illusion.

"Yes, there are many things that are wrong with the world. So many things to be against -- but you can't be against everything. At some point you have to begin to stand for something. Maybe the most important question is not what am I against, but what do I stand for? On my best days, I want to stand for love conquering a multitude of wrongs. I want to stand for forgiveness, for mercy, for beauty, for grace...I make no assumption of shared faith. I can only assume that you and I are radically different -- we live in different cities, we have different pursuits, different jobs, different upbringings. And finally, when it comes to what you believe or disbelieve, I would imagine that we all hold widely different understandings of what God is or isn't... I love you and I love our differences."  -Jon Foreman

I want to never forget that we're all human. We're all struggling in various ways. We are all learning. We all have a unique purpose here. We are all manifestations of the divine. I want to maintain empathy and compassion.

Nothing matters, just tell yourself again and again and again...nothing matters, but what we offer in Love.

Back to the Beginning Again

This is something that may sound obvious, but in actuality is much more difficult than one might think: being honest with myself and following my intuition is really freeing.

P.S.  Today is this blog's fifth birthday. The first entry, "What's in the Heart of a Child" was written and posted on January 31, 2009, at 12:23pm. There's no point in pasting the whole entry, but here's something:

"It's weird. I was thinking about the past year, and I can honestly say that though a lot has indeed changed, in actuality, much has not. And as I consider my past sixteenth year and all my experiences, I've realized something. Was it not just a repeat of the year previous to it...and maybe even the one before? I'm beginning to think so.

Yes, yes it was. My life, though I am constantly growing and changing, is a mere constant...aided by a few name changes, different color schemes, and the ticking of time's clock.

I do not want this anymore. These past few months, I have started to notice something...a gap? No, that's not right. There's something in me that is thirsting, though. Though I think part of me has known it all along, I really can't ignore it anymore or brush it aside. The simple fact is that so much of me is yearning, wanting to live. wanting to love. wanting to experience what's real, and not this continual monotony."

From that moment onward, the "continual monotony" I spoke of indeed stopped taking place. And those yearning wishes were granted. I never could have imagined how they'd all end up taking place...but everything did. In its own unbelievable, crazy, blessed, and beautiful way.

I ended that first entry with words from the intro of the song that gave this blog its name. And now, five years later, I shall conclude with the song's final lines. But they don't imply an ending. Instead, they set the stage for an unceasing, eternal beginning:

"And all shall fade 
The flowers of spring 
The world and all the sorrow 
At the heart of everything. 

But still it stays:
The butterfly sings 
And opens purple summer 
With the flutter of its wings

And all shall know the wonder...

I will sing The Song of Purple Summer.

suffocated sleep

I have accepted:

what I've done,
where I am,
and how I am living.

But I have a simple wish:

I just want to remember my dreams again.

progression

it has occured to me
that "hopefully "

can be
a loaded word.

afterlife?

today, as i was walking along the ballona creek path, it occurred to me how fascinating i find the word "afterlife." i mean, i never realized that i was fascinated by it until that moment, haha. but yeah. i'll try to sum up why in a way that makes sense. sooo the occurrence of something taking place "after" life implies that life eventually comes to an end. bah, that sounds obvious. but think about it. according to this word, life ends...and then there's something "after" it. but what is that something? is it something that isn't life? i mean, moving into "heaven" or "hell" or somewhere that isn't here on earth or the physical plane... whatever you believe to be the case. no matter which of these views a person may hold, the word--according to the dictionary (just googled it) literally means "life after death." the definition has the word life in it.

i guess i'm too amused by words because it's funny to me that an "afterlife" is still a life...i mean, i get what it is saying. but the word is literally saying that this somewhere--whatever it may be--is AFTER life! it's kind of hilarious. okay, now i'm being ridiculous...hahah. the word "new" seems like it would be a better preceding word. because "afterlife" is just a word for another type or experience of life. and the word new feels so refreshing and full of hope...a clean slate.

but the best part of overthinking about all this--aside from smiling to myself and laughing out loud on my walk--is when i remembered that everything is always happening in the NOW. everyone...everything. everywhere at once...

i have decided that the word afterlife--and even newlife--a word i'd apparently create if i could (ha)--will always be meaningless. and why is that? because when it comes down to it, life just is. life is Life.

Always.

Forever, Now.