sad

I have a problem: Lately, I have been reliving the past over and over in my mind. And I often let my longing for the past affect the way I feel in the present. I spend too much time wishing so many things hadn't happened the way they did. It's like...I get down on myself, thinking that the last time I was actually doing anything substantial with my life was back in 2010...as if 2011 was a total waste, and now the same thing is happening with 2012. And it's hard, when I see all my friends going through their college experiences and doing so many exciting things with their lives. And then I worry about my future.

I know I shouldn't complain about where I am...I know happiness is a choice, but I can't help wishing none of this had happened to me. I can't help missing the way things used to be.

Oh, and I just realized that it's March 15th. That means it's been exactly a year since I first entered the hospital.

numb

everything

is beautiful

and nothing

hurts

except

the void

of a missing

soul

still looking

note to self: remembering long-past conversations and integrating them into present thoughts and emotions is an unhealthy recipe for disaster.

so, stop.

...easier said than done.

but i am learning.

don't forget to breathe

I know exactly what makes me "manic." I know what keeps me up all night. I know how to bring myself back to earth. It's just a matter of will. Sometimes I can't help but carried away by what I see and feel around me. It's then that I begin to exhibit the symptoms that always lead to increased dosages of medication. It's like I'm trapped in a labyrinth of my own creation. On the other hand, maybe I've lost all control...

On the night of my twentieth birthday, my emotions reached a boiling point. I couldn't stop sobbing. The pain was unbearable. It's nights when the loneliness hits me that I have to remember her wise words:

"Crying is working you up into a state of hysteria. In order to feel calm, you need to take some deep breaths and breathe out slowly. You know that the state of mania is not part of your soul. It's going to pass. You need to be strong, and help yourself to not be controlled by this."

[Keep your head above water, but don't forget to breathe.]

pressing matters

Lately, I have to keep reminding myself that this is happening for a reason...I have to continue living like this until change comes along. But the most frustrating part of it all is that I have no idea when that will be, nor what the "change" will consist of.

And then there's the fact that I keep romanticizing the future. I keep imagining some sort of fairytale lifestyle that blows reality out of the water. Maybe I watched too many Disney movies as a child...

Of course, logic eventually enters the scene and reminds me that I am most likely delusional/out-of-my-mind/insane/etc etc.

Can someone please tell me who knows the answers to what's "real" and what's not? I'd really like to meet that person and have him/her break down the madness that is currently taking over my mind.

Three Realizations

I've come to realize a few things lately. I'd always understood them intellectually, but not emotionally. Now, I think I'm beginning to do so...

1) No one can ever be understood completely.

I used to feel so heartbreakingly lonely. I remember nights sobbing in my room, feeling as if my heart would cave in. I'd constantly tell my friends that they didn't understand me, that I'd never find anyone who truly would. But now I see how ludicrous that was. And even if it were possible to find someone who understood me entirely, it would take away so much of life's magic. We are all unique individuals with multitudes of personalities and characteristics to offer the world. If we all understood each other, we wouldn't be human.

2) The act of falling in love could use some re-examining.

Most people dream of finding a soulmate, their "other half," or the "missing piece" of their hearts. But I've come to see that we shouldn't enter into relationships with the intention of feeling more complete. We shouldn't search for someone to fill that void we feel within ourselves. No. Before we enter into a relationship with our soulmates, we need to have already filled that void on our own. We need to look within. We need to fully understand who we are (and not seek to be understood). We need to recognize our own self-worth (instead of seeking such validation from our loved one). We need to love ourselves. We need to know...no, not know...we need to feel and understand that we are Divine. We need to recognize that we are One with the Universe.

3) Love isn't two halves making a whole; it is two wholes--two self-realized souls--coming together to celebrate their completeness.

I'm not trying to be all preachy about this. And I'm not going to force these beliefs I've come to find on anyone. This blog is my way of expressing myself. It's my way of sending my message out to the whole world, yet at the same time knowing it will most likely only be read by those in my life. And that is perfectly fine by me. I'd also like to add that I don't regret any of my previous beliefs nor do I regret the road that led me to where I am. I wouldn't trade my past for anything.

choose your own adventure

I feel like my life has been and continues to be a modern day epic, in which I am the protagonist. I have no idea how the story ends, but I am perfectly okay with that. In fact, I don't want to know the ending. I just want to be fully present every moment as I watch it all unfold.