And it is always Yours.

I’ve always loved how though all of us are different with unique personalities to offer one another, at the core our souls are one. When it comes down to it, Life is just so beautiful.

the "vice verses" that carried me home

"In the end, I wanna be standing at the beginning."

I've carried that lyric from Anastasia with me from the moment I heard it as a child. As I grew through challenges and experienced more of life, I still believed in the idea it expresses. But now, more than ever, I have found myself in the very place I wanted to be standing. 

My entire life, especially the past year, was the road. It was the "wonderful journey" that the song talks of, but as Jon Foreman sings in a song if his, "I (was) the war inside." It was that war & sickness that affected the clarity in my mind...and began to block my connection to my soul. It was these many factors that led up to the "end" that the song talks of. 

So much has happened these past two months, but the "storm is through" and I am now "standing at the beginning" for the first time in my life.

I have learned so much. I can see so many things clearly. I see where I was led astray mentally the past year around March/April 2011, in most of March 2012, & in part of the several months before the accident as well. 

But I am so grateful that I have remembered my truth. I have reconnected with Spirit. I have come back to those who have only ever loved me...who have only ever protected me with the best intentions to keep me safe & healthy. 

Life is indeed a "wonderful journey." My journey finally led me to "the end." So many things made the past year and a half a scary time. But the frightening "storm" reached its climax on June 11th and continued to rage for weeks.

Through all of it, there was a lesson waiting to be found.  And now, not only is the worst over, but I have been given a fresh start. 

I was always protected through my life, and God carried me through this entire accident...the surgeries and in ICU. I will never forget that, and I know he will continue to pave the road to recovery. There were so many lessons to be learned. I am seeing so many of them for the first time & will always carry what they have taught me wherever I go. 

I don't need to wish anymore because today & for the rest of my life, I will live with my fresh start.

I will remain here...forever "standing at the beginning" in "a world where (for now), I belong.” In this life where “every breath is a second chance.”

sad

I have a problem: Lately, I have been reliving the past over and over in my mind. And I often let my longing for the past affect the way I feel in the present. I spend too much time wishing so many things hadn't happened the way they did. It's like...I get down on myself, thinking that the last time I was actually doing anything substantial with my life was back in 2010...as if 2011 was a total waste, and now the same thing is happening with 2012. And it's hard, when I see all my friends going through their college experiences and doing so many exciting things with their lives. And then I worry about my future.

I know I shouldn't complain about where I am...I know happiness is a choice, but I can't help wishing none of this had happened to me. I can't help missing the way things used to be.

Oh, and I just realized that it's March 15th. That means it's been exactly a year since I first entered the hospital.

numb

everything

is beautiful

and nothing

hurts

except

the void

of a missing

soul

still looking

note to self: remembering long-past conversations and integrating them into present thoughts and emotions is an unhealthy recipe for disaster.

so, stop.

...easier said than done.

but i am learning.

don't forget to breathe

I know exactly what makes me "manic." I know what keeps me up all night. I know how to bring myself back to earth. It's just a matter of will. Sometimes I can't help but carried away by what I see and feel around me. It's then that I begin to exhibit the symptoms that always lead to increased dosages of medication. It's like I'm trapped in a labyrinth of my own creation. On the other hand, maybe I've lost all control...

On the night of my twentieth birthday, my emotions reached a boiling point. I couldn't stop sobbing. The pain was unbearable. It's nights when the loneliness hits me that I have to remember her wise words:

"Crying is working you up into a state of hysteria. In order to feel calm, you need to take some deep breaths and breathe out slowly. You know that the state of mania is not part of your soul. It's going to pass. You need to be strong, and help yourself to not be controlled by this."

[Keep your head above water, but don't forget to breathe.]

pressing matters

Lately, I have to keep reminding myself that this is happening for a reason...I have to continue living like this until change comes along. But the most frustrating part of it all is that I have no idea when that will be, nor what the "change" will consist of.

And then there's the fact that I keep romanticizing the future. I keep imagining some sort of fairytale lifestyle that blows reality out of the water. Maybe I watched too many Disney movies as a child...

Of course, logic eventually enters the scene and reminds me that I am most likely delusional/out-of-my-mind/insane/etc etc.

Can someone please tell me who knows the answers to what's "real" and what's not? I'd really like to meet that person and have him/her break down the madness that is currently taking over my mind.