this

"reality" has turned into a....show. so many people in my life--and even many i've never met and never will--all seem to be laughing and smiling about the same thing. and that same thing is something about which i know nothing.

i'm tired of being kept in the dark. i'm tired of hurting. i'm tired of not being able to mend my own heartbreak. i'm tired of living like this. i'm tired of going through these motions and playing along with these games.

i know there's a purpose so i'm just waiting it out. i have no fucking idea what that purpose is, but i know there is one.

still, i hurt.

nights have always been the worst, but nowadays even more so. it's a different kind of pain. i could say it's less intense, but that doesn't accurately describe it. i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm so used to the hurt that i am able to mask it better.

but it's much, much deeper than it ever has been.

and continues to grow.

if i ever told someone that this pain is worse than any of the mental or physical breakdowns of the past two years in living hell combined, i'd be deemed even crazier.

i just don't say anything about it anymore. to anyone. it feels good to get this out somewhere. i can't talk about it.

all i can do is feel it. accept it. let it wash over me. every day, i learn to live with it. but that doesn't mean it's easy. i still carry it with me. always have, always will.