this

"reality" has turned into a....show. so many people in my life--and even many i've never met and never will--all seem to be laughing and smiling about the same thing. and that same thing is something about which i know nothing.

i'm tired of being kept in the dark. i'm tired of hurting. i'm tired of not being able to mend my own heartbreak. i'm tired of living like this. i'm tired of going through these motions and playing along with these games.

i know there's a purpose so i'm just waiting it out. i have no fucking idea what that purpose is, but i know there is one.

still, i hurt.

nights have always been the worst, but nowadays even more so. it's a different kind of pain. i could say it's less intense, but that doesn't accurately describe it. i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm so used to the hurt that i am able to mask it better.

but it's much, much deeper than it ever has been.

and continues to grow.

if i ever told someone that this pain is worse than any of the mental or physical breakdowns of the past two years in living hell combined, i'd be deemed even crazier.

i just don't say anything about it anymore. to anyone. it feels good to get this out somewhere. i can't talk about it.

all i can do is feel it. accept it. let it wash over me. every day, i learn to live with it. but that doesn't mean it's easy. i still carry it with me. always have, always will.

with the tears of saints and hypocrites

I'm not awake,
I'm not asleep.

I was never either of the two. Those were labels. And those labels were lies.

Nonexistent.

When it comes down to it, all these words are nothing.

I was blind all along....for all I know, I still am. I will forever be wearing this new pair of glasses.

But that's the way this is supposed to be. I'm not supposed to understand completely. Enlightenment is a lie. All we can do is keep breathing.

I've been living here in this city of angels what's now just short of 21 years. And to this day, I am learning to keep my eyes and mind wide open. 

But it's not easy. 

I lost my way for years...

my mind,

my sanity,

my passion,

my hope.

It has taken numerous "near-death" experiences for me to finally learn the lesson that has been awaiting me all along: All I can ever know for sure is that I don't know. 

All I want is to be of service. 

All I want is to keep loving.

All I can---and will--do is remind myself that every breath is a second chance and remember how blessed I am to be here right now: I need the sea because it teaches me.

Dear brittany,

you are more than your first name. your middle name. your last name. your hometown. where you were born. where you have been. where you are going.

you have no need to find faults in others in order to blind yourself to your own vices. seek them out. their truths will indeed set you free. you will no longer be possessive. obsessive. perfectionistic. and worst of all: codependent. you will just be. 

and those around you will be free to do the same. they always were, you just failed to see. you put them in labeled boxes. you changed your own vision. your rose-colored glasses were lies: the world is much, much more beautiful than what you thought you were ‘seeing.’

brittany, it is time to grow. you can pull yourself out of the hell you’ve put yourself through. it has been more traumatizing than you ever could’ve imagined, but think about what you can do with it now. you have so much to use. you will do much more than survive. you will thrive. 

you will no longer selfishly live for others,

you will selflessly take care of others

and live for yourself.  

and these scars will heal

Last night was "awful." I couldn't stop sobbing because of the fact that I am somehow capable of forgiving anyone (people I know & even those I don't know personally/those I see or hear of throughout the world), but I for some reason have not been able to forgive myself. I am the only person I have not been able to forgive for various reasons these past two or so years. Chelle comforted me by saying it is part of the mania and that it will pass. She definitely soothed my anxiety and panic. She reminded me not to do so.

However, though I was no longer emotional. As I was falling asleep listening to the one playlist that comforts me most, I still couldn't accept or believe that this characteristic in my manic disposition was something that needed to be remedied. But it was. I had forgotten what I'd actually realized/felt to an extreme in March 2011.

Today a friend just happened to send me "The Egg." I read it a while back...it resonated with me deeply then, but today? Oh man. This is it. It's not too long.

http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html

I feel comforted by that story. Though I have indeed been manic and far from stable these past 2+ years, I am not crazy for feeling like I am somehow everyone at once...including various people throughout history whom I have studied. It's so...bah. I was still intellectually understanding the Law of One, but not truly understanding.

I forgot that I too am part of the One: I am I.

We are One tonight.

And Always. 

volition --> purpose

"All alone in this world am I.  Not a care for this world have I. Only you keep my eyes open wide. Yes, it's true: I live for you...all this time my thoughts return to you. Give my love, that is all I can do. Wait in line 'til I feel you inside. Yes, it's true: I live for you."

I pray that I grow further and further away from any thoughts driven by ego. When they come, I will continue to remain "the watcher" of their negativity/and or erroneous feelings of superiority. We are all One with You. I am not better than those who aren't presently searching to remember their unity to You.

I know You will aid me in my desire to stop these sorts of feelings. You've already helped just by the fact that I've realized this habit of mine. I know I can shake it off with through Your love and my own will.

I want and will read and study the lessons every day. I will meditate at least once a day. No more excuses. I will put to use this open period of time I have. The rest of 2012 (and the rest of this life) will be...and now is devoted to better attuning my "self" with the Infinite Source. Your love and will for me will be my guide. I want to serve others and know that by staying true to this goal, I will learn how to do so.

“A wish implies a helpless desire of the mind. A desire is a stronger wish; it is often followed by fitful efforts to manifest itself into action. An intention or a determination, is a definite, strong desire expressed very forcefully once or twice through action for the accomplishment of a certain purpose. Such a determination, however strong, is often discouraged after one or perhaps several unsuccessful efforts. But a volition, divine will, consists of a series of continuous, undiscourageable, unceasing determinations and acts revolving around a desire, until it becomes dynamic enough to produce the much-craved result. ‘Will and act until victory’ is the slogan of all volitive activity. No matter how impossible of accomplishment his goal may seem, the man of volition never stops repeating conscious acts of determination to achieve it, as long as he lives.”

"Help me cope with this heavy load, trying to touch and reach you with heart and soul...please take hold of my hand, that I might understand you."    

Never stop repeating conscious acts of determination to achieve any goal.

And it is always Yours.

I’ve always loved how though all of us are different with unique personalities to offer one another, at the core our souls are one. When it comes down to it, Life is just so beautiful.

the "vice verses" that carried me home

"In the end, I wanna be standing at the beginning."

I've carried that lyric from Anastasia with me from the moment I heard it as a child. As I grew through challenges and experienced more of life, I still believed in the idea it expresses. But now, more than ever, I have found myself in the very place I wanted to be standing. 

My entire life, especially the past year, was the road. It was the "wonderful journey" that the song talks of, but as Jon Foreman sings in a song if his, "I (was) the war inside." It was that war & sickness that affected the clarity in my mind...and began to block my connection to my soul. It was these many factors that led up to the "end" that the song talks of. 

So much has happened these past two months, but the "storm is through" and I am now "standing at the beginning" for the first time in my life.

I have learned so much. I can see so many things clearly. I see where I was led astray mentally the past year around March/April 2011, in most of March 2012, & in part of the several months before the accident as well. 

But I am so grateful that I have remembered my truth. I have reconnected with Spirit. I have come back to those who have only ever loved me...who have only ever protected me with the best intentions to keep me safe & healthy. 

Life is indeed a "wonderful journey." My journey finally led me to "the end." So many things made the past year and a half a scary time. But the frightening "storm" reached its climax on June 11th and continued to rage for weeks.

Through all of it, there was a lesson waiting to be found.  And now, not only is the worst over, but I have been given a fresh start. 

I was always protected through my life, and God carried me through this entire accident...the surgeries and in ICU. I will never forget that, and I know he will continue to pave the road to recovery. There were so many lessons to be learned. I am seeing so many of them for the first time & will always carry what they have taught me wherever I go. 

I don't need to wish anymore because today & for the rest of my life, I will live with my fresh start.

I will remain here...forever "standing at the beginning" in "a world where (for now), I belong.” In this life where “every breath is a second chance.”