there's so much

that gets to me these days. emotionally, i mean. the more i remember events from my past. the more i refuse to live in denial. the more i accept my emotions and what i've experienced.

i mean, it's even stuff as futile as jokes on the internet such as the whole "go home you're drunk" and a myriad of others (and other sorts) both online and in person...in class, on the bus, wherever. but for me, none of it's joke. i used to be so scared. drunkenness isn't always a bad thing, and i get that. but for me, it was so scary and made me so sad. as did a lot more. i'm not getting my thoughts out clearly but i need to write them somewhere.

it's as if...i feel like i'm finally returning to my true perspective and innocence, yet having gone in the completely opposite direction i see and understand a lot more now. which makes everything more difficult. it's as if i'm a child or something. and every day i feel like people know that...and i don't mean this in a paranoid way. i don't know. which is fine, and i have learned to be quite alright with that. 

i just hate how i constantly wish things were different and that there was someone who really understood where i was coming from with all of this. lately it's kind of occurred to me how i've emotionally gone through a lot in life. like, i don't even know how i've gone through so much with my sensitive personality. and i'm not referring to just these two years of losing my mind and skull. no. i'm talking about stuff going back to my childhood and adolescence. i don't know. because i love my family. but i was so naive and blind. 

this probably makes no sense and isn't worded well at all. i don't want to sound whiny or woe-is-me. that's not my intention. it's all kind of ironic. i tried so desperately to let go of that selfish aspect of myself and wanted so desperately to help others...and felt so much to SUCH an extreme and ultimately lost my mind. as i've said way too many times before. but like, that was the the start of the long downward spiral and now i guess i could say that i'm kinda sorta back to the beginning. now i feel that loneliness and disconnect at an extreme level for the first time in years. there's just more clarity now that i remember and feel so much more about stuff that happened a long time ago. which makes this whole loneliness situation worse...? 

everything is going to be okay.

i hope.