this is where

it started.

i don't know why i left.
i don't know know why i went looking in a million other places.
i don't know why i cared what the others think.
i don't know why i've always hated myself.
i don't know why everyone else makes me uncomfortable.
i don't know why i let myself forget my past.
i don't know why it was all so scary.
i don't know why i let god Go.
i don't know why i left Jesus...

i don't know so many things. this list could go on forever.  i said i'd never have regrets, but now i find myself regretting most of my life and hating myself for judging everyone. i mean, i fucking thought i was a reincarnation of Hitler back in summer 2011 and was a walking zombie, a ghost. i didn't know what the fuck was happening. i hated myself more than i ever had. i missed you.  i now know why i wrote about myself on the internet so willingly...myspace, youtube, facebook, twitter, tumblr. it was a way of putting myself out there and hearing positive responses from others without having to face them in person...it made me feel better about myself.

it gave me confidence...
but was all a fake.

a lie.

and now i find myself wanting to hide more than ever before. i need to be alone. otherwise, i need Music to carry me through these days that keep turning into night. it's a fucking ironic nightmare of my own creation. so i'm retreating. i only check facebook for notifications/messages and speak with friends...i can't see everything. it makes me sick. the voices are finally gone, but now everyone's laughing and i feel naked. the stupid 'about me' on tumblr says the bare minimum...all that is important. all that "i" am.

but i am nothing, no one. i don't even know if "I am I" anymore. i mean, i must be. but i miss so much. i've been lying to myself my whole life. the only thing that's remained a constant truth is Music.

thank you for helping me remember that i don't belong here. thank you for helping me remember who i really am. thank you for helping me learn what real Love is. thank you for helping me re-discover the love of God. thank you for being the stepping stones that eventually--after years of hell--led me back to the beginning of my relationship with Christ.

i never told you this,
i wanted to.

i was so afraid.

i love you.