who am i kidding?

i might as well be honest on here instead of just skimming the surface like i do everywhere else. i don't even know anymore. i can find a correlation and synchronicity in literally anything. it's not the diagnosis. it's my head. i no longer feel i'm going to die and need to leave all my thoughts with everyone as i did back in 2011...i no longer feel special or important, which is good in the case that the negative aspects of my ego have hopefully diminished...and continue to do so. but i feel more self-conscious than i ever remember.

and i'm tired of feeling alone. i know i have so much support from those i can't physically see here, but in spite of all that's happened...and the actions and non-action on both parts, you're the one person i still miss. but this is the kind of missing where i don't want to talk. i don't need to go anywhere. i just want to see your face and be in your presence. i hope you understand and i'm not sounding obsessive. it's just, i might as well take the opportunity to finally admit how i've been feeling all these years without hiding behind words and vague figurative language.

life is literally a book for me now. the ultimate art form...visually, musically, each human, each animal, each soul...so many intricate personalities and just...the buzzing energy of all creation that i can feel when i keep my hands still. that light in the center that i've ignored for years. except instead of wanting to analyze or judge everything, i just want to be at peace and observe. i just want to listen. and learn. and read. i'm tired of talking.

for the first time, i see symbols in everything. i see my story everywhere. it's beautiful.

and awful.