Saturday, January 31, 2009

What's in the Heart of a Child

"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream of warm impermanence.
So, the days float through my eyes..but still the days seem the same."

It's weird. I was thinking about the past year, and I can honestly say that though a lot has indeed changed, in actuality, much has not. And as I consider my past sixteenth year and all my experiences, I've realized something. Was it not just a repeat of the year previous to it...and maybe even the one before? I'm beginning to think so.

Yes, yes it was. My life, though I am constantly growing and changing, is a mere constant...aided by a few name changes, different color schemes, and the ticking of time's clock.

I do not want this anymore. These past few months, I have started to notice something...a gap? No, that's not right. There's something in me that is thirsting, though. Though I think part of me has known it all along, I really can't ignore it anymore or brush it aside. The simple fact is that so much of me is yearning, wanting to live. wanting to love. wanting to experience what's real, and not this continual monotony.

My heart has grown used to trying to mediate between these two opposing worlds. If not mediating, it's feeling that way inside. It hurts. The different stories and cries pull me in two directions. I know there are two sides to every story..and that's a beautiful thing, truly. Without the uniqueness of each individual's perspective and views on certain experiences, I don't think life would be worth living. Yet, what is and has been continually's not right. Too much. If only it was as easy for people to forgive as it is to wish for it.

I now know that I still have those wishes, those desires I had seven years ago. Of course, they're not exactly the same as what I used to cry for each night as I lay in my baby blue room with the painted clouds above me. No, it's not the same as then. But the root and the reasons remain. Inside, I still feel the same way I did at the top of the staircase when I witnessed the world shift, the start of when everything came crashing down. It hasn't stopped since then and in many ways, has grown worse.

Though they have morphed into something more simple; the basis of what needs to happen is the same...peace. Not even peace, but simple kindness. I'm tired of the hypocrisy.

I now am realizing that all the pain has taught me to become numb to everything around me that is hard to bear. I've grown accustomed to putting on a front, acting like nothing is wrong. So used to this routine and pushing my feelings so deep inside me that I don't even know how to summon them up.

I don't want to live like that anymore. As weird or cliche as it is, I think turning seventeen has already started to bring about some change in myself.

My eyes are now open. I think my heart and I are going to have a wonderful relationship again.

Oh, the beauty of reconciliation.

"The sadness, the doubt, all the loss, the grief
will belong to some play from the past
as the child leads the way to a dream, a belief..
a time of hope through the land."