volition --> purpose

"All alone in this world am I.  Not a care for this world have I. Only you keep my eyes open wide. Yes, it's true: I live for you...all this time my thoughts return to you. Give my love, that is all I can do. Wait in line 'til I feel you inside. Yes, it's true: I live for you."

I pray that I grow further and further away from any thoughts driven by ego. When they come, I will continue to remain "the watcher" of their negativity/and or erroneous feelings of superiority. We are all One with You. I am not better than those who aren't presently searching to remember their unity to You.

I know You will aid me in my desire to stop these sorts of feelings. You've already helped just by the fact that I've realized this habit of mine. I know I can shake it off with through Your love and my own will.

I want and will read and study the lessons every day. I will meditate at least once a day. No more excuses. I will put to use this open period of time I have. The rest of 2012 (and the rest of this life) will be...and now is devoted to better attuning my "self" with the Infinite Source. Your love and will for me will be my guide. I want to serve others and know that by staying true to this goal, I will learn how to do so.

“A wish implies a helpless desire of the mind. A desire is a stronger wish; it is often followed by fitful efforts to manifest itself into action. An intention or a determination, is a definite, strong desire expressed very forcefully once or twice through action for the accomplishment of a certain purpose. Such a determination, however strong, is often discouraged after one or perhaps several unsuccessful efforts. But a volition, divine will, consists of a series of continuous, undiscourageable, unceasing determinations and acts revolving around a desire, until it becomes dynamic enough to produce the much-craved result. ‘Will and act until victory’ is the slogan of all volitive activity. No matter how impossible of accomplishment his goal may seem, the man of volition never stops repeating conscious acts of determination to achieve it, as long as he lives.”

"Help me cope with this heavy load, trying to touch and reach you with heart and soul...please take hold of my hand, that I might understand you."    

Never stop repeating conscious acts of determination to achieve any goal.

And it is always Yours.

I’ve always loved how though all of us are different with unique personalities to offer one another, at the core our souls are one. When it comes down to it, Life is just so beautiful.

the "vice verses" that carried me home

"In the end, I wanna be standing at the beginning."

I've carried that lyric from Anastasia with me from the moment I heard it as a child. As I grew through challenges and experienced more of life, I still believed in the idea it expresses. But now, more than ever, I have found myself in the very place I wanted to be standing. 

My entire life, especially the past year, was the road. It was the "wonderful journey" that the song talks of, but as Jon Foreman sings in a song if his, "I (was) the war inside." It was that war & sickness that affected the clarity in my mind...and began to block my connection to my soul. It was these many factors that led up to the "end" that the song talks of. 

So much has happened these past two months, but the "storm is through" and I am now "standing at the beginning" for the first time in my life.

I have learned so much. I can see so many things clearly. I see where I was led astray mentally the past year around March/April 2011, in most of March 2012, & in part of the several months before the accident as well. 

But I am so grateful that I have remembered my truth. I have reconnected with Spirit. I have come back to those who have only ever loved me...who have only ever protected me with the best intentions to keep me safe & healthy. 

Life is indeed a "wonderful journey." My journey finally led me to "the end." So many things made the past year and a half a scary time. But the frightening "storm" reached its climax on June 11th and continued to rage for weeks.

Through all of it, there was a lesson waiting to be found.  And now, not only is the worst over, but I have been given a fresh start. 

I was always protected through my life, and God carried me through this entire accident...the surgeries and in ICU. I will never forget that, and I know he will continue to pave the road to recovery. There were so many lessons to be learned. I am seeing so many of them for the first time & will always carry what they have taught me wherever I go. 

I don't need to wish anymore because today & for the rest of my life, I will live with my fresh start.

I will remain here...forever "standing at the beginning" in "a world where (for now), I belong.” In this life where “every breath is a second chance.”

sad

I have a problem: Lately, I have been reliving the past over and over in my mind. And I often let my longing for the past affect the way I feel in the present. I spend too much time wishing so many things hadn't happened the way they did. It's like...I get down on myself, thinking that the last time I was actually doing anything substantial with my life was back in 2010...as if 2011 was a total waste, and now the same thing is happening with 2012. And it's hard, when I see all my friends going through their college experiences and doing so many exciting things with their lives. And then I worry about my future.

I know I shouldn't complain about where I am...I know happiness is a choice, but I can't help wishing none of this had happened to me. I can't help missing the way things used to be.

Oh, and I just realized that it's March 15th. That means it's been exactly a year since I first entered the hospital.

numb

everything

is beautiful

and nothing

hurts

except

the void

of a missing

soul

still looking

note to self: remembering long-past conversations and integrating them into present thoughts and emotions is an unhealthy recipe for disaster.

so, stop.

...easier said than done.

but i am learning.

don't forget to breathe

I know exactly what makes me "manic." I know what keeps me up all night. I know how to bring myself back to earth. It's just a matter of will. Sometimes I can't help but carried away by what I see and feel around me. It's then that I begin to exhibit the symptoms that always lead to increased dosages of medication. It's like I'm trapped in a labyrinth of my own creation. On the other hand, maybe I've lost all control...

On the night of my twentieth birthday, my emotions reached a boiling point. I couldn't stop sobbing. The pain was unbearable. It's nights when the loneliness hits me that I have to remember her wise words:

"Crying is working you up into a state of hysteria. In order to feel calm, you need to take some deep breaths and breathe out slowly. You know that the state of mania is not part of your soul. It's going to pass. You need to be strong, and help yourself to not be controlled by this."

[Keep your head above water, but don't forget to breathe.]

pressing matters

Lately, I have to keep reminding myself that this is happening for a reason...I have to continue living like this until change comes along. But the most frustrating part of it all is that I have no idea when that will be, nor what the "change" will consist of.

And then there's the fact that I keep romanticizing the future. I keep imagining some sort of fairytale lifestyle that blows reality out of the water. Maybe I watched too many Disney movies as a child...

Of course, logic eventually enters the scene and reminds me that I am most likely delusional/out-of-my-mind/insane/etc etc.

Can someone please tell me who knows the answers to what's "real" and what's not? I'd really like to meet that person and have him/her break down the madness that is currently taking over my mind.

Three Realizations

I've come to realize a few things lately. I'd always understood them intellectually, but not emotionally. Now, I think I'm beginning to do so...

1) No one can ever be understood completely.

I used to feel so heartbreakingly lonely. I remember nights sobbing in my room, feeling as if my heart would cave in. I'd constantly tell my friends that they didn't understand me, that I'd never find anyone who truly would. But now I see how ludicrous that was. And even if it were possible to find someone who understood me entirely, it would take away so much of life's magic. We are all unique individuals with multitudes of personalities and characteristics to offer the world. If we all understood each other, we wouldn't be human.

2) The act of falling in love could use some re-examining.

Most people dream of finding a soulmate, their "other half," or the "missing piece" of their hearts. But I've come to see that we shouldn't enter into relationships with the intention of feeling more complete. We shouldn't search for someone to fill that void we feel within ourselves. No. Before we enter into a relationship with our soulmates, we need to have already filled that void on our own. We need to look within. We need to fully understand who we are (and not seek to be understood). We need to recognize our own self-worth (instead of seeking such validation from our loved one). We need to love ourselves. We need to know...no, not know...we need to feel and understand that we are Divine. We need to recognize that we are One with the Universe.

3) Love isn't two halves making a whole; it is two wholes--two self-realized souls--coming together to celebrate their completeness.

I'm not trying to be all preachy about this. And I'm not going to force these beliefs I've come to find on anyone. This blog is my way of expressing myself. It's my way of sending my message out to the whole world, yet at the same time knowing it will most likely only be read by those in my life. And that is perfectly fine by me. I'd also like to add that I don't regret any of my previous beliefs nor do I regret the road that led me to where I am. I wouldn't trade my past for anything.

choose your own adventure

I feel like my life has been and continues to be a modern day epic, in which I am the protagonist. I have no idea how the story ends, but I am perfectly okay with that. In fact, I don't want to know the ending. I just want to be fully present every moment as I watch it all unfold.

a tidbit

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that read, "not of this world." It reminded me of the phrase, "In this world, but not of it." If I had to describe my stance on life, that would be it.