Tuesday, December 31, 2013

goodbye, 2013.

the year is almost over;
that's an obvious fact.

i'm not sure why i'm writing this,
but there's no turning back?

this doesn't even rhyme,
probably wasting my time--

but these words are flowing,
and won't stop going




I have no idea what the hell that was or where that came from. I'm sitting here on the floor in my room in the comforting spot against the foot of my bed and realized I wanted to make one final blog post for 2013. So...there you have it? I intend on spending the next five minutes meditating and reflecting over the year...thinking about all I'm grateful for...and sending out prayers for those that need them. It feels good to begin the year with a healthy state of mind. It's interesting because I remember I spent the eve of 2011 in a similar manner and that was the last time until now that I was free of a lot of instability.

However, this year there are people celebrating downstairs, so I will get over the fact I don't really know a lot of the people and soon run down there for a final two minutes with 2013. It's been a good one. A strange one (filled with great contrast and a lots of learning). But a good one.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

how long will i stand here, obstructing love's way?

so i've been trying this new thing at work that in the past i've sometimes reminded myself to do when on the bus or anywhere i'm able to observe and people watch. and that is focusing on people and doing my best to consciously send out positive energy toward them.

for example: when it gets super busy around mid-afternoon, there's usually a long line of people to ring up at the cash register because most are getting food from the cafe. it's in these moments where it gets really easy to disconnect from the act of truly interacting with people and just go through the motions of the automatic "how are you's" and "have a good one's" to get from person to person at quick speed. when it isn't busy, it's much easier to actually have a conversation or remember to look people in the eye (which used to make me feel really uncomfortable and nervous but gets easier each day).

so now when i ring up a customer during these busy moments, i try to pick up on their current emotions and send whatever sort of positive energy i intuitively feel they may need for that day in particular. like, i can't really explain it. it's not something i'll even think about. it's not like i think to myself, "oh it seems like she's having a fight with her husband, i better send good thoughts her way so that gets resolved soon." no. it's more of a natural response. it would be ridiculous, a waste of time, and unrealistic to fabricate possible scenarios out of nowhere. because it's so quick and i have to focus on what i'm doing, i can't get distracted anyway. i let it happen on its own. it's kind of a...flow of sorts? it's something i feel without thinking about it. it's hard to explain. but i've found that it makes the whole act of helping customers worthwhile and mean a lot to me. the more i remember to put this into practice, work becomes more than just a mindless act of customer service.

i'm grateful to be a part of life in this way. i still try to remind myself to do this on the bus or any time i'm sitting and people watching (like i mentioned above). but it becomes special on an entirely different level now that i'm given an opportunity that encourages me to break out of my shell and establish a clear connection with others.

Monday, December 23, 2013


I literally have not taken off my amethyst necklace since I got it in July--not even when showering or sleeping. That means I've had it against my chest and scar for almost half a year. It gives me a sense of comfort and protection, for which I'm so grateful. A a week ago, in a dream, my parents told me to take it off. I can't remember any other specifics of the dream. Although I remember how awful that made me feel, I don't remember taking it off. It'd sadly be safe to assume I listened to them, but for some reason part of me thinks I didn't.

I actually woke up that morning thinking it had all been real. I was relieved and when I looked down to find it still there. When it comes to its deeper meaning, I think that dream goes to show a lot about my feelings these days. I have a general idea, but I've never been the best at interpreting my dreams. I can, however, feel when they are an especially significant reflection--and dramatic emphasis--of things that plague my mind and emotions.

Interestingly enough, a couple days after that dream last week, I found the silver chain necklace that I used to wear continuously back in 2011. When I found it after getting home from the hospital at the end of that March, I hid it underneath old letters in the back of my nightstand drawer. I associated it with that day and never wanted to see it again. But I'm glad I kept it instead of throwing it away like I did with so many other items that meant a lot to me. I guess some part of me knew I didn't truly want or need to let go of it because of the way it gave me a sense of comfort--just as my amethyst has now been doing. I, once again, now have this necklace around my neck too. Over two years later, it has joined the amethyst and the two of them together serve as a security blanket of sorts. When my emotions begin to take hold over me and I start getting worked up, anxious, or sad, I close my eyes with one hand around the silver and the other around the amethyst.

The silver necklace chain contains a circle with an open, engraved outline of a dragonfly in the center. It reads "Memories" above the dragonfly and "Blessing Ring" beneath it. On the opposite side of the circle, the words "Remember When" lie underneath the dragonfly in a smaller font. The amethyst is held by a wax chain, in between ten beads--most small and purple, the other two larger and dark brown. It is wrapped and centered by copper wire made up of three tiny spirals.

I intend on never again taking them off... that is, until the time comes to get both new chains.

Saturday, December 21, 2013


When I was at work last night, I kept thinking about the list I recently made. The whole thing was nagging at me for some reason. Until I read the one from 2011, I felt no need to create a "to do someday" list now that more time has passed. Quite honestly, I'm not even intensely yearning for any of that right now (aside from often wishing I was living on my own, but even that isn't something I can really focus on right now). I'm just trying to live day by day.

I woke up this morning to an email with a link to an updated post on a website I follow. Usually the stories provide a lot of insight and I can relate to certain bits, but today's was exactly what I needed to read.

The last lines of the person's personal share read: Somehow I know it's all ok, and that all I have to do is "change my mind," and write my own story, instead of letting the fears of those before me choose for me. See things for what they are, no bias, no judgement....just see everything as it really is...

And the head of the website (who's a therapist) gave a reply that expresses what I have never been able to put in words.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Our western cultural paradigm - our medical/psychiatric paradigm is miles away from what it was originally designed to be. "Psyche" means Soul. Psychology is the study of the soul. The Hippocratic oath that all doctors are pledged to honor says to serve their patients with the greatest care, and to do no harm. In today's modern psychiatric approach, a person's personal experience is often invalidated, pathologized and labelled as an illness. Fear is a deeply destructive force, and when we are told that our reality is false (by a person who is not anywhere close to being enlightened and knowing anything beyond their ego), it can be a terrifying, depressing, fragmenting experience. My personal belief is that we are each living in our own bubble of reality and that we cluster together with communities that foster a consensus reality, yet it is the rarest among us who really understands the real Truth.

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." - Albert Einstein 

Never abandon your truth for another person's version of reality, unless it resonates with your heart and raises your consciousness.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

c'mon, sing like we used to...wake on up from your slumber. open up your eyes.

I was clearing out old notes on my phone and found some that go as far back as 2011 when I used an iPod touch. I found one written at 1:56am on January 23, 2011 with the title "To Do Someday." Reading it now, almost three years later, is slightly fascinating.

-visit yosemite
-get tattoos
-go backpacking
-perform in productions of of tick, tick, boom! and Les Mis
-go on a cross country road trip
-live in Laurel Canyon (or somewhere similar)
-go skinny dipping (preferably in a lake at night)
-have lots and lots of rescued animals
-have a job I love that allows me to serve/help others
-purchase a vintage VW Bug...and paint it blue (but get my license first)
-live in the woods/out in nature
-get passport
-travel to Europee 
-see Northern Lights
-visit Himalayas

I actually don't have a better adjective to describe the feeling that seeing this list brings about. It's like, quite a good amount of what's on it is stuff I thought would have happened by now. And I had absolutely no idea of what was ahead of me. I thought I'd let go of my inner vices back at Berkeley because after a month back in Los Angeles, Many Lives, Many Masters somehow played a huge role in snapping me out of the depression. I almost instantly accepted the fact that it was okay for me to come home, especially since I never felt truly ready to leave in the first place due to a complete lack of plans for the future. I'd thought I'd be able to look past that fact, but the environment of hardcore studying and partying all around me was overwhelming as I started to feel more isolated, missed people back at home, and had an intense yearning to spend my studying time with various spiritual texts and more time for a focused meditation practice.

And now, three years later, reading this list is sort of bittersweet. It's the perfect representation of the shift that took place starting in March 2011. It just reminds me of a former intense zest for life, totally and completely idyllic...perhaps naive. I don't know. Much of the list still rings true. I just feel a strange sense of numbness in regards to pretty much all of it. I'm not sure why, but that's probably normal? If I had to make a list right now off the top of my head, it'd read:

-get my first tattoo that I've wanted the past couple of years 
-establish less dependence on my family financially speaking and ultimately move out on my own
-with that opportunity, get in contact with the right sort of people who understand where I'm coming from with a lot of my past experiences and have an understanding of alternative methods and truths
-tell my whole story to someone I trust will understand
-somehow take a trip across the United States to visit every single national park for the first time
-go camping/stay in hostels 
-travel across the country by train
-make a list of all the amazing--almost unreal--places of nature here in this country and seek them out to experience them in person
-continue to study more about the relationship between the brain and the chakras (the physical with the mental/emotional/spiritual) and study these eastern sciences/medicines and ancient perspectives
-find and study the correlations between these perspectives with western psychology/psychiatry
-help myself grow stronger spiritually and continue regaining my confidence
-provide guidance for others from a place of love and understanding to help us continue the journey of awakening and remembrance 

As much as I want to get a passport and spend a lot of time seeing the rest of the world, I feel like I won't re-add that to my list until far off in the future. There is so much I still can--and still need to--do back here at home.

Aside from the tattoo, all the other "to-do's" are going to take a while to come about. But I do know that of all on the list, the first three are most significant to me at this moment in my life. And I must maintain hope that everything will work out...I must set out the intention, positive energy, and trust in order to manifest the results. After all, I did just that back in late February/early March 2011 to such an extreme that we all know what happened as a result. I mean, I've never written every single detail here...some of it is unbelievable. It takes a long time to explain. And I wouldn't be able to type it anyway. It's probably one of the only things I don't know how to write about when it comes to describing my personal experiences. Anyway.

I had inconceivably intense emotions and visualizations. Our thoughts and intentions truly can dictate our reality. Sure, the specifics of the "before" are events I never expected or could have imagined. But still. Technically, I asked for it. And the main purposes of the "results" I yearned for so desperately have indeed happened. It's all been a domino effect of sorts...and the more I see everything from the numerous sides and details, I am left stunned.

This universe, this Life, is just... amazing? beautiful? inconceivable? incomprehensible? intense? magical? complex? remarkable? phenomenal? miraculous? breathtaking?

No. There are no words.

It just...is.

Friday, December 6, 2013


I wanted to write about this last weekend, but forgot to do so until just now when I realized I wanted to go downstairs to get a glass of water. Anyway. I'll make this short, even though I originally wanted to make this post more explanatory. So, I saw Catching Fire with my dad and Brennan over the weekend, and there's a scene in which the characters are beyond dehydrated having had no water for god knows how long. And then Haymitch sends Katniss a tool where she can attach it to a tree and it pours out water (or is it sap? I know nothing about how that works). So in the scene, you see the characters each drink from it...and it's intense to see how badly they needed the water. I'd normally plan out my words to make this more coherent, but I'm not feeling up for that. This will have to suffice. ANYWAY. When I was watching it, I like...literally started feeling their response and relief. I don't like writing too much about myself when it comes to the accident and stuff, but I will say this now because that's why I'm writing this blog entry. Just...seeing their gratitude and the intensity of their relief while they were drinking the water. I mean, for anyone it was a super powerful scene to watch. But I realize that it perfectly captured how I used to feel in the ICU when they wouldn't let me drink water because of reasons...I forget why. I mean, it's all significant having to do with the tons of cables and the trach and everything. But like...Heck, I barely remember much from the ICU aside from a few select instances (and everything is vague and fuzzy) and certain emotions and thoughts. But the strongest memory and physical feeling of pain I have from ICU and my second hospital room is thirst. I can remember how upset I'd be when I'd ask for just one sip of water, and the nurse would say "No, you'll have to wait til this time." And she'd write the time with a white board marker across from me. And it was like every hour at one point. I remember the immense relief I could feel whenever I'd get to take a precious sip or sometimes two. I can't really find the right words for this at the moment. As I said, I'm not putting time and effort into making this super coherent. Hopefully it gets the idea across.

Anyway, I've told some people (and I personally think about frequently) how that whole experience really opened my mind to how blessed we are to have the access to liquid that we do. And not just any liquid or any water, but clean, purified water. I mean, that's something I always understood and could appreciate. But now it's something I think about a lot. And I try, every time I am drinking a liquid, to send out gratitude. I know I'll never forget that feeling of intense desperation and craving for thirst. I've never experienced anything like that. Water was the only thing I could think about it.  Okay, this has been enough rambling. I wanted this blog entry to be thoughtful and more insightful, but I've been putting it off for some reason and decided to just write stream of consciousness style. So, there you have it.