Thursday, April 28, 2011

this too shall pass

When I replay the events from that weekend & Monday March 14th in my head, I can pinpoint the moments where it would have been so easy to make a different choice. Who knows where I'd be now? Perhaps I'd be studying for those classes I enjoyed so much. Or maybe walking home from the bus stop, enjoying the cool breeze...

I am not doing any of those things. In fact, I am nowhere close to doing so. Instead, I'm ruminating over what were some of the darkest, most confusing times of my life. For the past two months, I saw symbolism in everything. The beautiful interconnectedness of all things that I had come to know and love grew unhealthy and overpowering. And though I would never commit suicide (and I asserted this fact constantly), the idea that that death would befall me was a constant. In fact, I was intermittently waiting for death throughout most of those two months. Various scenarios played out in my mind: in the ER somehow, due to the meds, in my sleep, in a car crash...

I didn't know how it'd happen, but I was certain that it would. And later, once I realized that wasn't going to happen, reality started to shift even more, and I began to think I'd already "died." Yet, even with my stacks of journals, I couldn't figure out when it'd happened. I felt like I was "living" in such a way now that I was actually "dying" every moment. I won't go into more detail, but one of my final fantasies was that I'd get to escape to the east coast and live a simple life in nature, hiding out until change occurred back at home and in our society/culture as a whole.

Today, I can see how far off all this is from what's indeed "real." I feel foolish, especially that certain past obsessions came back with full force while I was in the hospital. How did I let that happen? Why did I feel that I was so "special?" How did I dig so deep into the "dream" that I could no longer play my assigned role?

I must remind myself to be grateful that I am safe, thankful that I have such devoted loved ones. As difficult as it is right now, somehow it'll all work out. Somehow, I'll move away from the past and ultimately come to terms with this unexpected twist on my life path.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


It's strange. The day after I write of still not knowing how to distinguish what's "real," things start becoming clearer. I am unbelievably grateful for everyone I have supporting me; in spite of all that has happened, there is always so much for which to be thankful. And after fighting these demons for almost two months, I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to eradicate them for good as I move forward...back into the swing of life.

"Say you're with me;
there's gold ahead,
there's golden dreams
and life's hills & valleys:
yeah, will you hold on with me?"

Monday, April 25, 2011


She tells me that I'm not losing my mind because if I were, I wouldn't be aware of the fact. However, things have become so...I don't even know anymore. Everything has shifted, and the dividing line between what's real and what isn't has grown incredibly dim. It's times like these when I start to understand how certain people and things truly can (and do) take a permanent seat in your soul.

Monday, April 11, 2011

crinian wood: I miss(ed) You

"maybe then we already are Home..."

we are,
and we have been


all along

Saturday, April 9, 2011

where the sidewalk ends

I am going Home.
I am Home.
He is Home.
She is Home.
You are Home.

We are Home.

Friday, April 8, 2011

listen to your Soul's cry

a cry: "do they know how much I love them now?"

a reply: "yes, sweetie. now you need to start taking care of your Self."

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Resolution (inspired by A.M. and 23)

You promised
and I later "spoke"
of how you broke them


But tonight,
I'm "dizzy"

no more.

I've found
a Light in the dark:

Just come


we already were,
we already are


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

the "beautiful letdown"

it shall be read

by more

they shall be read

by more

more shall know

really know

and that day,
is also Now

Saturday, April 2, 2011


a cry: "do they know how much I love them?"

a reply: "not yet."

later: "shhh, people are sleeping. you'll wake everyone up."

Friday, April 1, 2011


a great haze has been lifted from my vision,
and I understand: for now, no more orbiting.

I am grounded with this beautiful earth, our home.

"and I fall in love with the ones that run me through
when all along, all I need is you.
sing it out, sing out loud."