Saturday, May 23, 2009

old-fashioned ranch

The flavor makes me feel like I'm five years old again and sitting in the pleather booth with the torn whole in the left side.

Next to the basketball team portraits--members sitting in perfect rows--and the photos of dugouts and outfields.

I hear the pinball machine clanging, its silver balls rolling side to side as tiny fingers press against the left and right buttons, click click click.

I hear the men's raucous laughter.

a kind of blazed hysteria.

"Oooooooh!" they shout as one of the players makes an abrupt move and the game gets more intense.

I smile at my father.

I pick out pieces of stale popcorn from the brown, circular bowl and pop them into my mouth.

It's familiar.

We beg our dads for a few more quarters to play JUST ONE more game (we promise) and get some skittles from the 'turning thing.'

After inserting the 25 cent piece and twisting the nob three times to the left, we carefully lift the lid and greedily scoop the rainbow candies into our hands.

We are cautious that they don't hit the carpeted floor and land among the now even staler popcorn pieces.

Images from TV screens flash around me on all sides.

The loudness of the room is overpowering, gradually getting higher and higher as the night wares on.

I cover my ears, but at that moment don't realize the wonder of this escape from reality.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

recharge the batteries

I have finally determined WHY I stay up so late.

why I can't control the night.

I love being alone in my thoughts.

having my own space.

having the time to contemplate and at one with myself.

to get away from the hustle and bustle of the day in the calm that is my room, the calm of the darkness outside my windows.

to be alone.

I love people. I need people, like someone once reminded me not too long ago.

But I value my time alone just as much as my time with others.

I need more alone-time than the average person does, I'd say.

THAT'S why I so often put off assignments and stay up till ungodly hours.

As bad as it probably is for my health...I love it.

This behavior won't be stopping anytime soon, I can guarantee that.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

a journey

'I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.'

Well, what happens when you're fast-approaching the bridge that once seemed so far away?

The bridge that, until now, was just a distant idea.

Something you knew was bound to happen someday, but was so far-off you managed to keep pushing it further into the distance...out-of-sight.

What happens when you finally reach the bridge?

How do you cross it?

Monday, May 11, 2009




Simply by moving my pedals in a repeated motion, I rush past twenty miles of the beauty that is Los Angeles.

the beauty of a neverending coast.

the beauty of water and sand.

the beauty of a piercing blue sky.

As my pedals continually move forward and my wheels make endless circles of rotation, I watch the people and try to make eye contact or provide a smile to anyone willing to see.


team members.
old friends.

I hear their laughter, their cries, their cheers, their screams.

Though each tone is different than the others around it, these individual voices form to create one sound.

A sound of stories.

A sound of variety.

A sound of LIFE.

a nighttime melody

Hear the

Blasting. Humming.

Insanely loud

Penetrating my

Vibration. Energy. Electricity.


Oh, the exuberance brought on by the bliss of being young.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

1:23 AM

I care about people. I really do.

I empathize with almost everyone. I feel things from each person I encounter, getting vibes about who they are and what they've gone through or sometimes even how they're feeling at that moment.

I take pride in this special gift of observation.

I want so badly to help people. To offer them insight. I feel like I have so much to offer.

Why, then, is this so often from a distance? How can I have such a genuine love of humans, but feel a constant need to isolate myself?
(Not that seclusion is bad; I need alone time to think and reflect..)

Why is it that in FAMILIAR social situations I come across as a person different from the me in my head? That doesn't make a bit of sense. Then, in more unfamiliar situations, where I feel uncomfortable, my need to be isolated is of course, more clear.

Overall, there are people who have blatantly incorrect views of me, and there are some who indeed know some true parts. However, I don't think the majority of people I come across in my daily life have any idea of who I am. Even those close to me.

It's not their fault though.

Even I puzzle myself.

It's just...sometimes I wish I didn't feel so disconnected. It can get hard living in my head, in a world no one could ever understand.

Being 'different' has its blessings and curses, I suppose.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


time is such a weird concept.

when I say time, I mean the clock system. the idea of having 24 hours in a day.

how everything is based on it.

appointments, meetings, classes, dates, dances, rehearsals, practices, shows, games, weddings, funerals, services..the list goes on.

life revolves around 'time.'

but as I'm sitting here, not sleeping and instead staring at the bold font of the digital clock in front of me, I see that the time of 12:48 AM is merely four separate numbers arranged in a row.

what a strange little discovery.

I think it'd be cool to go somewhere for a while and not have time running our lives.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


What an emotionally draining day.

But I wouldn't want it any other way.

I love everyone so much. Thinking about what I'm going to do next year without everyone breaks my heart.

I don't think I've ever sobbed so much in public in my life.

It's true what is always said about DRAMA.

It's real.

It's a bond that words CAN'T describe (like I always say), and that no one ever truly understands unless they experience it themselves.

There is HARMONY here that I may never experience again. So much harmony and talent all in one spot. It really is 'a beautiful thing.'

Saturday, May 2, 2009


I am surrounded by love.

by passion.

by AMAZING people.

I am so grateful that I get to do what I LOVE more than anything.

I love performing.

I love theater.

I love the miracles it can bring. Even when you feel like absolute shit and can barely speak, it can lift you up...bringing you to the point where you CAN.

Miracles can happen.

I love love love love love it.

I don't want it to end.