"Become what you are."

This year has been pivotal. I feel like I've truly grown in massive amounts. I can consciously sense significant difference, glancing over where I was last year around this same time. So much has become more clear. It sounds cliche, but I legitimately feel much wiser than even just a year ago.

I have developed better relationships with loved ones. I have come out of my shell and no longer feel the need to isolate myself so much. I needn't fear opening my heart. I have and will always hold such love for our planet and all that are on it...I am so grateful that I'm not afraid.

I've tasted fire, I'm ready to come alive...I'm ready now. Cause every day, a choice is made. Every day I choose my fate.

I'm so grateful. This year is the year. 2014 was the necessary calm after the storm. Smooth.

2015 is the year things start moving... everything is starting. The pieces will continue coming together. I am so guided and protected. I shall now make "resolutions," which are essentially what I've been making lists of in my journal for a while now...

constant introspection, awareness and objectivity, attunement with Self, maintaining a clean living environment, more running, more yoga, more stretching, more sauna time, more water drinking, more hydration, more attention to food, more time spent cooking, more time spent praying, more time spent meditating, more reading, tons more reading on my passions and interests for my life's pursuits, more writing, more singing, more joy, more remembrance, more time spent in nature, more love and conscious attention to energy, more independence, more gratitude, more growth, more Presence: standing up for myself.

Every day, the world is made a chance to change...I'm ready now: forever, Now.

streets of gold // turn the tide

as i ran, i listened;
as i listened, i felt.

i reached the end,
and made my way to the corner:

we are here to love each other, serve each other, and uplift each other.

as i stood, i listened;
as i listened, i heard.

/////////////////////////////

the wind turbulent,
yet restorative--

gusts so strong,
nearly forcing me to the ground.

but i just stood there,
holding on--

gripping the fence
with both hands:

grounded, protected, and at peace.

|| so: 20999, 20330 ||

It's good to be alive.

I am so happy.
and I am so grateful
--to be here, right now.

amidst the pain, the loss, the suffering, the confusion;
amidst the comfort, the memories, the joy, the clarity.

amidst it all.

// Stranded in the streams without a branch to rescue me and pull me from the tormenting. Will I die here in the water? I closed my eyes so I could see; then there grew a tree from my belief.  Now here I stand with two dry feet, and there my past dies in the water. //

|| I am here,
and I am always ready.

This is so, so good,
and I can breathe now. ||

at the beginning: 11/11

today is a day,
tomorrow is another

today.

we breathe it in,
the highs and lows.

we are right now,
tomorrow is another

now.

it is always now,
let us be.

// // // // // // // //

I'm grateful that a sense of purpose for my life path has started developing on an even deeper level this past month. What I had only dreamed could be the case is already a burgeoning reality for others. Although I'd felt alone for so many years, there are numerous people who see things the way I do. Not only that, but they have the wisdom to back it up and are already changing the paradigm for others. All I have to do is remind myself that I have the power to make my own decisions.

I will speak and live out my truth.

More and more will not have to lose themselves.
More and more will not become walking ghosts.
More and more will understand the intricate details.
More and more will welcome true recovery.
More and more will be healed.

I will inspire others. I will be an example.

This year I will face the needless fear of standing up for myself. I am guided and will address the circumstance when I know that the time is right.

I am a fully capable adult. There is absolutely no reason for me not to live the life I want to. There is no excuse for me to live my life in a manner with which I do not agree. This approaching year I will finally make my own decisions and take my first steps.

// // // // // // // //

The future,
my life path,

is today,
tomorrow,

and right now.

"In the end, I want to be standing at the beginning."

so it begins.

something just occurred to me

there's something special about holding treasures for people, even knowing there's a good chance they might never be given. sometimes i'll find something for myself and then realize that it'd be a really meaningful gift for someone for the same reason it's important to me. it's hard to explain. i mean, whatever the thing may be is still for me...but more than that. something along the lines of simultaneously forever carrying a piece of their joy and the knowledge of what would be their reaction with you at all times. it's something beautiful. even if i could (and i easily can now), i wouldn't want to change it.

 so i won't.

 [[ AWAKE. ]]

a letter of truth

my heart is directed.
my heart is connected.

my mind is centered.
my mind knows.

the alternate route awaits.

my heart is happy.

snippets of tonight's automatic

you are okay. you are doing well. you will figure this out. there is nothing to figure out. everything is alright. everything is beautiful. everything is here. everything is now. peace is with you. peace is here. peace is this. peace is everything. breathing is easy. you just have to remember.

listen. listen. listen.

everything is okay.

clouds at night

and that's when i realized:

sometimes things may never change,
but people do.

Rivers in The Wasteland

pouring rain, 

indecisiveness.

pouring rain,

cross the street.

pouring rain,

backwards run.

pouring rain,

return to other side.

| | | | | | | | | | | | | |

familiar motion,

blue skies.

familiar walk,

grounded.

familiar sight,

rooted.

| | | | | | | | | | | | | |

grass, dirt--

back against this palm //

// right hand, left--

connected.

{ solar } 

sun starting to...

observation

ahead of me...

clarity

what feels like...

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / 

infinite murmurs surround:

variety of voices,
variety of sound.

{ sacral }

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / 

Sun glows.

animals,
friends,
families --

Loved Ones.

walking,
running,
sitting --

Movement.

There are so many of us. We're all souls just floating around with each other, orbiting one another.

We are the furthest thing from strangers. 

I feel so much love for "every one" and and every "thing" around me.

Now I focus on this breath. Now I close my eyes, three seconds--on and off. Now I soak in this moment. Now I let myself be. Now I remember. Now I tell myself it's okay. Now I feel everything. Now I know. Now I know I'm not alone. Now I love you. Now I hear you. Now I see you. Now I feel you.

Sun glows deeper, still.

Soon I shall pack and journey forward. Soon I shall continue carrying this silence. Always. I adore this moment-- by myself, surrounded by "strangers."

watching,
thinking,
learning--

Remembrance.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I stuck my hat out, I caught the rain drops. 
I drank the water, I felt my veins block.

I’m nearly sanctified, I’m nearly broken. 
I’m down the river, I’m near the open.

I’m down the river to where I’m going...

// every breath we drew was //

things have been really weird. well, no. just the opposite. really...synchronistic. so much has taken place in just these past three days. stuff that's been kept swept under the rug for over half of my life has broken free, finally out to the surface. it's time to sort through so much. and the beautiful part of it all is i'm in a state of balance and aware of the strength within--which means i am able to experience all of this in a healthy manner. making amends is one of the most important things i've ever done.

it's difficult, because there are so many different stories and pieces and aspects of my story. it's easy to throw blame on someone, but it's just as easy to remember that all three of these people have helped me and loved me just as strongly as their "wrongs" that have negatively affected me. i also am grateful to be learning that while i know not to blame someone else, it's vital not to brush aside the involvement of others. it's still important to recognize how they influenced me and how my reactions to what i've experienced shaped what i've gone through and who i am today. it's beautiful because while knowing this, i can still continue to accept full responsibility for all my reactions to my experiences. this sort of freedom is a blessing that i am grateful to cultivate. and then there's all the special synchronicity and unplanned connections to my past that have been following me. the little (though actually quite large in significance) signs that are sometimes so blatant i can't help but laugh in amazement.

working to minimize the ego's futile (though debilitating) attempts to control Being, i remember to flow through the present. i let my intuition guide me from moment to moment. today was a great return.

five / / so we let our shadows fall away like dust

Every day is a lesson. The more I read, the more I introspect, the more I look back on things with this ever-enriching perspective, the more I realize. The more I understand. The more things make sense. All the shattered & scattered pieces recombine and join together again. The giant puzzle's rough edges and seeming imperfections give it a sense of character. It is just as beautiful, but now holds a different essence.

I literally feel the love within my heart. And I mean that in full sincerity. Sometimes it's a literal experience. It makes breathing--just being--an entirely different experience.

"With golden string 
our universe was brought to life, 
that we may fall in love every time we open up our eyes."

I feel content.
I feel grateful.
I feel protected.
I feel loved.

I am what I feel; I am what I AM.

free / / / / a melody softly soaring

sharing,

finally spilling

these things all kept within.

a story fully told,

a story truly heard:

for the first time.

comfort,

guidance

understanding,

connection

incandescence

love,

when the night sky's that special blue

love,

when rushing cars sound like ocean waves

love,

when the lights flicker

love,

when footsteps echo

love,

when touch is heightened

love,

when breathing is easy

love,

when connection is seamless

love,

when I am here

love,

where I am now

love,

where I am always.

from a soul to the Self

i've re-arrived at the conclusion that the most important relationship i can develop is with myself. i still believed that fact and have been reminded of it quite a bit lately, but tonight in meditative stillness i could literally feel it. there's so much there...so much more to connect, to understand, to accept, to love. going and growing deeper within.

free \\ it's all what you believe

It's been written that Buddha once spoke:

If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.

I just realized that if this statement is true, then the reverse is as well:

If you truly loved another, you could never hurt yourself.

The immense love I feel should apply to myself just as much as it does to the rest of the people in my life and all of the members of this planet. I've gone through such intense periods of overwhelming deep love and empathy for various people and humanity as a whole...so much so that at some points, it literally felt like my heart was breaking because of it. I am now seeing that, in spite of all this intense love and empathy for everything outside of me,  I never have consciously experienced self-love. On the surface, I may have thought I had...though I never really thought about it. Then, after the last four years, I slowly allowed my self-esteem to dwindle and ultimately reached a point of total disconnection where I consciously haven't held any sort of loving care and understanding toward myself. Just shame and regret.

But the fact that I that I feel I could never hurt someone or something else goes to show that I am capable. Deep down, my soul holds nothing but love and patience.

If I could never hurt another, I must truly love myself. 

I just need to remember this fact and not allow the mind to blind my soul. From this moment forward, I am setting an intention of remembrance...and I know I have guidance to succeed.

who we are

To define God in one word, 

"love" is The Only Term There Is. 

Just saw this, and it makes me think. Yesterday I was thinking about this very concept while listening to one of my favorite songs by The Rocket Summer.

"Nothing matters, but what we offer in love."

So essentially...when it comes down to it:

Nothing matters, but what we offer in the spirit of The Creator--what in actuality makes up each one of us. There's no hierarchy. No anger. No judgment. No punishment. No hatred. No revenge...only Truth suppressed under the illusion.

"Yes, there are many things that are wrong with the world. So many things to be against -- but you can't be against everything. At some point you have to begin to stand for something. Maybe the most important question is not what am I against, but what do I stand for? On my best days, I want to stand for love conquering a multitude of wrongs. I want to stand for forgiveness, for mercy, for beauty, for grace...I make no assumption of shared faith. I can only assume that you and I are radically different -- we live in different cities, we have different pursuits, different jobs, different upbringings. And finally, when it comes to what you believe or disbelieve, I would imagine that we all hold widely different understandings of what God is or isn't... I love you and I love our differences."  -Jon Foreman

I want to never forget that we're all human. We're all struggling in various ways. We are all learning. We all have a unique purpose here. We are all manifestations of the divine. I want to maintain empathy and compassion.

Nothing matters, just tell yourself again and again and again...nothing matters, but what we offer in Love.

Back to the Beginning Again

This is something that may sound obvious, but in actuality is much more difficult than one might think: being honest with myself and following my intuition is really freeing.

P.S.  Today is this blog's fifth birthday. The first entry, "What's in the Heart of a Child" was written and posted on January 31, 2009, at 12:23pm. There's no point in pasting the whole entry, but here's something:

"It's weird. I was thinking about the past year, and I can honestly say that though a lot has indeed changed, in actuality, much has not. And as I consider my past sixteenth year and all my experiences, I've realized something. Was it not just a repeat of the year previous to it...and maybe even the one before? I'm beginning to think so.

Yes, yes it was. My life, though I am constantly growing and changing, is a mere constant...aided by a few name changes, different color schemes, and the ticking of time's clock.

I do not want this anymore. These past few months, I have started to notice something...a gap? No, that's not right. There's something in me that is thirsting, though. Though I think part of me has known it all along, I really can't ignore it anymore or brush it aside. The simple fact is that so much of me is yearning, wanting to live. wanting to love. wanting to experience what's real, and not this continual monotony."

From that moment onward, the "continual monotony" I spoke of indeed stopped taking place. And those yearning wishes were granted. I never could have imagined how they'd all end up taking place...but everything did. In its own unbelievable, crazy, blessed, and beautiful way.

I ended that first entry with words from the intro of the song that gave this blog its name. And now, five years later, I shall conclude with the song's final lines. But they don't imply an ending. Instead, they set the stage for an unceasing, eternal beginning:

"And all shall fade 
The flowers of spring 
The world and all the sorrow 
At the heart of everything. 

But still it stays:
The butterfly sings 
And opens purple summer 
With the flutter of its wings

And all shall know the wonder...

I will sing The Song of Purple Summer.

suffocated sleep

I have accepted:

what I've done,
where I am,
and how I am living.

But I have a simple wish:

I just want to remember my dreams again.

progression

it has occured to me
that "hopefully "

can be
a loaded word.

afterlife?

today, as i was walking along the ballona creek path, it occurred to me how fascinating i find the word "afterlife." i mean, i never realized that i was fascinated by it until that moment, haha. but yeah. i'll try to sum up why in a way that makes sense. sooo the occurrence of something taking place "after" life implies that life eventually comes to an end. bah, that sounds obvious. but think about it. according to this word, life ends...and then there's something "after" it. but what is that something? is it something that isn't life? i mean, moving into "heaven" or "hell" or somewhere that isn't here on earth or the physical plane... whatever you believe to be the case. no matter which of these views a person may hold, the word--according to the dictionary (just googled it) literally means "life after death." the definition has the word life in it.

i guess i'm too amused by words because it's funny to me that an "afterlife" is still a life...i mean, i get what it is saying. but the word is literally saying that this somewhere--whatever it may be--is AFTER life! it's kind of hilarious. okay, now i'm being ridiculous...hahah. the word "new" seems like it would be a better preceding word. because "afterlife" is just a word for another type or experience of life. and the word new feels so refreshing and full of hope...a clean slate.

but the best part of overthinking about all this--aside from smiling to myself and laughing out loud on my walk--is when i remembered that everything is always happening in the NOW. everyone...everything. everywhere at once...

i have decided that the word afterlife--and even newlife--a word i'd apparently create if i could (ha)--will always be meaningless. and why is that? because when it comes down to it, life just is. life is Life.

Always.

Forever, Now.

something beautiful

The new year thus far has been...I don't have an exact word. But the first that comes to mind is heartwarming. Does that make sense? I'm especially grateful for getting to spend time with my brothers--just the three of us. I can't explain it very well, but it's just...they're always being their brilliant selves. With their puns. Their sarcasm. Their commentary. Their wit. Their sense of humor. Or even the way they are aware when I put myself down and  help me better recognize my unwarranted self-consciousness or social anxiety. The way they point out my own ridiculousness via sarcasm and humor, but make laughing at myself feel the way it's supposed to feel. The way it used to feel.

When I spend time with them, I remember the sheer joy and freedom I used to feel at simply being myself. It's so weird. Today, when I started my shift at work this afternoon --after the three of us ate and walked around the boating store together (HA)--it dawned on me that there actually was a good year or so of my life where I felt completely free of any inhibitions and 100% comfortable in my own skin. I probably wrote about it in a past journal, ha. I'll look for it tomorrow or something and maybe type it out later for further reflection. I'm just so thankful to have such good guys for brothers. It's a huge blessing that I should never again take for granted. And I''ll always remember and be thankful for these past two days.

So this is the new year, correct? Well, tonight I stumbled upon something that I now see as the perfect Introduction for the formerly blank pages of The Book of 2014.

"Existence is rich with mystery and wonder, and sometimes, without warning, light can shine through the cracks in the separate self. For a few brief moments, there is the cosmic suggestion that life is somehow infinitely more than what it appears to be. The most ordinary of things can easily turn extraordinary, making us wonder if, perhaps, the extraordinary is hidden in the ordinary always, just waiting to be discovered.

Yes, perhaps the ordinary things of life—broken old chairs, bicycle tires, sunlight reflecting on broken glass, a smile from a loved one, the cry of a newborn baby—are actually not ordinary at all. Perhaps hidden in their ordinariness is something extraordinary. Perhaps all of those things we take for granted are actually divine, sacred, infinitely precious expressions of a wholeness, a Oneness that cannot be expressed in thought or language. 

And perhaps this wholeness is not “out there,” somewhere else or in the future, waiting to be uncovered. Perhaps we don’t need to go to the farthest reaches of the universe to find it. Perhaps it is not in the heavens or hidden away in the deepest depths of our souls. Perhaps wholeness is right here, where we already are—in this world, in this life—and perhaps we have somehow blinded ourselves to it in our obsession with our search for it. 

Modern physics is now confirming what spiritual teachings throughout the ages have always been pointing to: everything is interconnected, and nothing exists separately from anything else. We have invented many words over the years to try to point to this cosmic wholeness, words like spirit, nature, Oneness, Advaita, nonduality, consciousness, awareness, aliveness, Being, Source, Existence, Isness, Tao, Buddha Mind, and presence. We could sit and argue for a hundred years about what the wholeness of life actually is, but I wonder if we’d end up arguing over words and miss what the words are pointing to. So pick your favourite word for wholeness, because in the end it’s not about the words. You call it the Tao. I call it Life. She calls it God. He calls it consciousness. Someone else calls it nothing, and someone else calls it everything. Someone else likes to keep silent about it. An artist paints pictures about it. A musician writes music about it. A physicist tries to touch it through complex calculations and mind-bending theories. A poet or philosopher juggles with words to try to reach it. A shaman gives you strange substances so you may see it for yourself. A spiritual teacher points you to it both with language and silence. 

The point is, whatever it is will never ultimately be put into words. Thoughts and words fragment wholeness; they break up a unified reality into separate things: bodies, chairs, tables, trees, the sun, the sky, me, you. The world of thought is the world of duality, the world of things. But the most important thing to remember is that it's not about the words. It’s about the wholeness of life itself—and that comes before all words, even the word wholeness." 

Thanks, Jeff Foster.