Tuesday, April 14, 2009

7:24 PM

On my bike ride home earlier, the sky looked PERFECT.

A light, pastel blue..with horizontally stretched out, long white clouds interspersed throughout..

I went inside my house for about 15 minutes, but then I couldn't stand not being out there with it all...so I grabbed my camera, this journal, and my iPod.. and ran over to the bluff trail to watch the sky's show.

currently, the clouds are slowly moving inward, toward each other...creating an orange glow. the weather? a nice, crisp chill. not particularly cold, but nowhere near warm. I'm currently sitting on top of a bench (not the actual seat part) watching the cars speed across Lincoln and Jefferson, the lights flickering in the Marina and cities further beyond, a large boat going out past the shore and smaller ones returning; the clouds that remain look like gray puffs of smoke floating across...gradually getting darker. I should probably go home. They'll be wondering where I am. It's dinnertime. There's a slight wind. My hair is blowing and whipping across my face. My cheeks are cold.

I think I'll skip back home now.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


3/11/09 --> 11:40 PM

You. My fixation with YOU isn't even with you, is it?

I've created it all in my head.

I have this 'creation' of the person I feel you are, but one can't know a person simply through words and every once in a while, a far-off glimpse.

I need to see. to see completely.

to hear. to hear your voice.

to watch. to watch your actions.

to interact.

to experience.

Why do I feel this pull? this need to truly get to know you? to see behind what others don't?

Why do I think this way when in reality, you're just like the rest of them? When you, clearly, are NOT thinking anything remotely close to this about me?

The whole world is waiting, just outside; it's glowing.

Do you see it? Can you?

Do you want to? No.

You'll stay the same, and I'll remain in my head. Wanting to share this brightness. What I see.

You said you like talking because of something about 'perceptions' and the fact I see you differently than other people do. Is that not something so out-of-the-ordinary that you'd want to actually experience it? To get to know this person who sees 'something more,' who sees past your facade and the you you portray?


What if there is not anything at all?

What if, if there is, you don't want to find it?

Maybe what she thinks she sees is in fact, NOTHING.

You have no idea.

You're not worth it.

This 'you' she refers to isn't the YOU in reality.

It's an imaginary character she's created, loosely based off of a real person.

Yet, however fictional it may be, there was always something fantastic about it.

She's tired of waiting. She realizes this. She wants to live it out for real.

She will.

For now, though, real actions have brought light to this creation.

You're nothing that she thought.

This is good. She can breathe now and keep waiting.

Someday, she'll find a reality that is even better than her fiction.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Wind

Swirling air.

It tosses around, circling the atmosphere--bringing a chill across my cheek.

The coolness repeatedly washes over me.

I want to dance.

to jump.

to shout.

to raise my arms up into the sky.

to keep spinning as long as this thrill continues.

Let's go.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sleeping is giving in

During the day, sleep pulls me with its soothing spell, taunting me to go down with it.

A sudden jolt.

I manage to snap out of it for the most part...but some days, this is more difficult than others.

At night, though, this is no longer the issue.

In fact, for some reason, this problem turns into the complete opposite: Sleep evades me; it is now consciousness that taunts me, coercing me to stay awake with it.

A feeling of adrenaline.

The mind's overpowering nature strikes once again.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


not worth my time.


a waste of energy.

then why can't I stop?

Thursday, April 2, 2009


you know that rare adrenaline rush that people only experience every once in a while?

the one we all crave, but hardly ever seem to grasp?

Well, I felt it today for the first time in a while.

There are no words to describe the feeling that performing 'full out' can bring.

the buzz of energy, generated by the true passion and commitment of both yourself and those around you.

When various individuals pour out their souls and give everything they have to create one body of united harmony.

This is the type of energy that leads to extreme hysterics; you can fall to the ground, delirious with joy and laughter. laughter that makes your stomach throb with pain and causes tears of joy to trickle down your cheeks.

This is a rush that unleashes any burdens you may be carrying and lifts all the heavy weight off your shoulders--creating sheer rapture that words, in fact, can never fully describe.

It is under this adrenaline spell that we all have the power to be truly free.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

a cycle

Isn't it strange--how quickly things change?

How as you go on throughout the days, the way you're living your life at that current moment seems to fit perfectly?

Then as time passes and you look back on it all, those past situations that once felt so right, feel faraway and unfamiliar.

After looking back on those times, you think about how satisfied you are now with this present and can't imagine ever going back to the way things were.

Yes, it is strange...but thank goodness for change.

several days ago

you said you didn't want to be numb anymore.


but you took your newfound abilities and went telling everything to a person unworthy, a stranger--getting swept away by the facade.


you've learned 2 things from this:

1)Never devote that much time to someone..especially someone you don't even know--no matter how much you think you may.

2)Never allow yourself to EVER become that numb again. Hold on tightly to this connection with your emotions, and always remember to use it wisely.