sideffects

after months of looking past them, today they've started to weigh me down more than ever. i'm not one to care about appearances, but i do want to feel healthy. i've been trying so hard, but it seems like all the effort has been futile. i can't help but cry. i know this isn't everything nor is it set in stone, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm losing my own body. these cannot be the only options. there has to be some other way, and i'm going to get there.

a knowing

I know that what happened was real.

I know there was a purpose to all of it.

I know this is just the beginning.

There is so much left to learn;

there is so much more to give.

I'm a wanderer (I can feel it in my soul), but I'm here to serve.

pieces

Faith grows gradually...like a dimmer switch. Though we may not see how a problem or certain difficulties will be solved at the time, I've learned that we mustn't lose trust in the higher power within ourselves. It's okay to have doubts and misgivings, but we must persevere through them.
It is, in fact, our trials that make our faith stronger.

"just be"

It's been a while. A long, difficult while. But today--for the first time in almost half a year--things have become so very clear. Through introspection, I've received a great gift: certain realizations have lifted my spirit and have led me to look at past actions in a healthy light. I've come to remember who I really am...why I am here. A sense of purpose cradles me, and I am no longer tormented by my situation.

And the best part of all this? As we made our way home--speeding along the freeway--I couldn't help but admire the trees, the birds, and the setting sun against a golden sky.

"The soul is the seer of all activity of the mind-body complex, and therein ultimately lies the seeds for freedom... We are [in our deepest self] the unseen seer of all phenomenal events. And yet the pain we experience in our more limited perspective paradoxically is to be celebrated, for it is exquisitely instructive, ultimately serving as a 'slingshot' into deeper self-knowledge. In this sense, 'experience' becomes the greatest guru of all, for embedded within it are the conditions not only for suffering but eventual liberation... mundane experience, with its fascinating array of pain and pleasure, tends ultimately toward liberation."

"To see myself and my life as they truly are is joy. After all the struggle and avoiding and denying and going the other way, it is deeply satisfying for a second to be there with life as it is. The satisfaction is the very core of ourselves. Who we are is beyond words - just that open power of life, manifesting constantly in all sorts of interesting things, even in our own misery and struggles. The hassle is both horrendous and wholesome."