where i belong

for years i proudly called myself "awake."

maybe my eyes opened,
but i needed to fall asleep:
and truly wake up
to finally understand:

"i" am nothing

because we are One.

red eyes

lately things have been getting to me. i thought i was finally over something. something that i wanted to let go of so badly that in late fall/winter 2010, i began a desperate & unknowingly unhealthy rush to proceed further on the spiritual path.

though i personally was feeling better and believed i had let go, i still could not accept the inherent perfection of the world's duality. i didn't realize that i was still failing to embrace/understand the cosmic laws of cause and effect...the necessity of duality here on earth. on march 14, 2011, the same something from the past started haunting me in ways it never had before...and the combination of that and extreme sadness for the world's pain made me forget that all energy is One and want to leave to go "be with God" on some other, more peaceful plane.

and then i lost my mind completely.

when i became more coherent, i still felt connected to the Universe. i still felt that energy. i had faith in God and knew i was being carried. though hospitalized for weeks and weeks, i still trusted that everything was happening for a reason in order for me to help others in the future. but i had a sense of foreboding that i was going to get in a car accident or something.

until may 2011. i gave up on my intuition, my dreams, my hopes. and my mind created my own personal hell. i no longer felt that something from before, but i was torturing myself in other ways.

i died alive.

i had turned into a walking ghost. until january 1, 2012. that something--along with all the delusions--entered my head after six months of freedom. but the joy they brought left entirely in march 2012. though no longer outwardly apparent, i was once again an empty, walking ghost. i wasn't me.

i was gone.

then came june 11, 2012. the accident. the day i came dangerously close to legitimate death here on earth. for three weeks, i was asleep. i wasn't here. my mind was gone and free from the numbed depression and pain. but my body was suffering.

everyone knew. and cared. and wanted to support me. so many people were worried for my life. and when i woke up, they wanted to talk to me. it seemed that everyone i'd ever known was there for me.

all but one.

however. i was alive again for the first time in almost three years. and that something wasn't haunting me. i remembered that it had been there but was disconnected from it. until late december. on christmas eve and christmas day, i completely broke down. everything came rushing back all at once and i couldn't stop it. not only that, i couldn't forgive myself for anything negative i'd ever done my entire life. to anyone.

we have finally reached 2013. and i have finally learned to forgive myself. but that something (along with past thoughts, conversations, feelings, and memories) follow me everywhere i go.

i believed i had finally let go, but the pain is back: it comes in waves. though i haven't discussed this with anyone in a long, long time...i remember i was told that things just take time. i no longer have my idealized view. i no longer feel that innocence. i no longer wear my heart on my sleeve.

and time still hasn't allowed me to let go. i knew i'd never forget. but there were periods where i wasn't haunted like this. i'm tired of the growing synchronicity.

i feel connected to everything and everyone's stories more than ever before, but i'm tired of the illusion in general.

i'll be okay.

right?

i am living a story. and i will keep living it.

why

do i still
hold on

to a person
who left

a long time ago?

to a person
who wasn't there

when everyone else wanted to be?

i am tired. this is draining. i don't want to drown again.