Headphones to Drown Out Your Mind

The rare occasion of my typing out my journal, rambling thoughts and all:

8:12 PM

I just rode to the library to renew my books...after--just as I did yesterday--falling asleep for 2 hours when I was supposed to tackle my massive amounts of summer reading.

On the ride back, "42" (Live Version) came on...and something about the intensity of the music, the screams from the audience, and the dreary--yet peaceful--feeling of the weather/air...along with my own...unknown emotions all made my eyes water. I'm now sitting on the top part of the bench on the center of the bluff path where I sat back on that one day in April. I'm watching the lights. the cars on Lincoln and Jefferson. A gray sky. Everywhere. Except it's covering a clear, white, slightly pinkish part on the left. This view is familiar to me. Just to my right is the other bluff trail in front of the university. I realize something..it's divided.

the bluff.

One half is right by my mom's; the other, right by my dad's. Symbolic of my own life in a very accurate, strange way.

It's all one.
Connected. Together.
But split down the middle by the opposing streets,
the quick speeds moving in two separate directions.
yet, if it weren't for this one split, it would remain one.
it is still one. just divided. so similar...yet so faraway.

I don't even know what I mean exactly or where I'm going with this.

I do know that the watering in my eyes won't go away.

The tears are there. my eyes are wet. I feel them. damp on my eyelids...brewing..but not..spilling forth.

Why won't they? I want them to.

They're stuck there.

My heart is aching...but for some reason, it's different than usual. I'm not even sure why.

It's gotten darker now. Several joggers have rushed past me. A woman with her dog. A boisterous man on his cell-phone. The sky stays completely gray, except for the horizontal sliver that has turned even pinker.

A couple walks by, holding hands.
And another.
They laugh.

I'm still here.
Silent.
Except for the music in my ears, flowing through my veins.

in my heart.

The city is lit up. This is more apparent now with the darkening sky. Someone in the house faraway to my left has just flicked off a light.

I don't want to move. or go home right now. I want to stay here. Everyone else keeps moving by; they're not stopping.

Again, I remain.

I don't know what to do.

I'll stay here a bit longer and then ride up to the corner of my street and stare through the fence.

Soak
it
all
in?

I remain.

Black Folding Chair

Sitting in the same chair
Hours Pass
Barely Moving

Looks like a waste,
staring at the glow from the black rectangle

But it is not that which one may see
on the surface

It's a means of connecting through words--
time to plan out what to say--or not at all

Carefully construct
or blurt out

Kind of like real life, except
these are the words of people's minds pouring out freely

It can be so much easier
behind this box

Easy to hide, but still
connect

Is that a bad or a good thing?

I'm going to go with
good.

collaboration

Floor like flour-
Disappearing beauty--
Flies engulf us,
while we sit (on our mound) and watch mourning, morning loss.

Cawing.

A persistent bell gongs toward the left:
"This whole thing looks fake."

Cars behind us: Whiz. Roar. Hum.

Still on our pile of dough-
Cotton puffs of cloud--
Slowly they drift,
And away we go into the blue.

chop suey

you.

I tell you I won't leave--
tho still not sure
if you believe
me.

but you.

you,

you can,
and you
must.

I will never leave you.

Those others did not see you like I do.
Understand like I do.
Make an effort like I do.
Care like I do.

I mean every word I tell you.

You
can trust
me.

sun

Feel the heat radiate
off the dirt paths
and green
shrubs.

The heat moves
by invisible
waves.

It seeps into
your skin.

Sweat.

But not the kind
that is a
nuisance.

No.

This is
tolerable, and
somehow
rewarding.

look deeper

A star
shines brightly,
bringing its light
to the world.

But you, star, often feel lonely
and others try to turn off your shine.

misunderstood.

Yet, you persevere
and remain
strong.

now?

It is true
that your light
will never--can never
fade.

The glow will last
forever.

It is written
among all the other stars.

Thank you,
bright star,
for your light.

As surely as we will always see you twinkling
when we look up above,
your message shan't be forgotten.

Thank you.

under the night sky

Something so familiar and so dear
is finally in front of you
to really hear

--for the first time.

It's hard to breathe
as you hold the air in

--unknowingly,

until you let it out again.

nightmare

I had a dream last night.

On the green grass, in the broad sunlight.

People were all around.

Hundreds of people--young and old--laughing and smiling.

After all the hoopla, I went up to talk to you. Demand an explanation; see why you would dare show your face here. Why in the world you would even think to see me now.

It all went wrong.

I was there, shouting for help.
Screaming at the top of my lungs.

A sound so shrill it would make your blood run cold.

I could feel the tears pouring out.
and the pain.

But they all were smiling.
eyes completely glazed over, their mouths either plastered with sick smiles or opening wide in cultish laughter.


And there I was
in the center.

Right there on the green grass, underneath the beautiful, blue sky and the shining sun.

But in spite of my cries, no one bothered to put an end to it.
..No one even moved.

I woke up crying and when I tried to remember the specifics of why, it was all just a blur.

motion

These past few nights--right around this time of 12:30 AM--I have been having a painful urge to move.

How?

Well, it could involve

driving a car.
riding a train..
sitting on the bus...
or even traveling by foot....

I really don't care which travel method is used.
Any of the above would satisfy this need, as long as its an ongoing pace.

A pace that lasts for days and days.

A pace that allows me to just keep going and only have to think about what's right in front of me.

I need motion.