Truth

more and more, things are starting to make sense. and i'm realizing the ways in which I too was in the "wrong." for that, i am sorry.

thank you for opening my heart. if it weren't for all that happened, i still wouldn't know what real love is.

chances are

I cry,
for their pain

and that of
the world

(a formerly persistent happening)

but this time,
it's a bittersweet sorrow
with a knowing underneath

after a day of silence

"Hello." "Hi! You've got the best spot, huh?" a smiling, older man says to me while I sit on my favorite bench. As he walks on by, tears well in my eyes; I feel cradled by the love of this Universe. Watching him stop farther down the path to admire the setting sun from another angle, I think to myself, "You're right, kind sir. Except, we've all got the best spot. It's just a matter of getting reacquainted with it...a matter of self-realization."

HOME

Everything satisfied for the moment but would ultimately fade; nothing left a consistent sense of happiness. In spite of my newfound awareness and love of life, I was essentially a conglomeration of varying moods, driven by extreme sensitivity and depth of feeling: up and down; down and up; again and again and again (...and again). The "zest" was never enough: that all-too-familiar loneliness sunk deep.

Last February, I wrote how part of me still longed for something more: "It's only been a year, but I'm thirsting again. For what? I'm not exactly sure. I just know that I am. There is so much now, and for that I am incredibly grateful. But tonight I realized that in spite of it all, something's missing." It was an intangible, all-too-apparent desire.

So here we are, two years since the awakening. And now, I know. Now, I understand. Nothing fades anymore--for You are constant happiness, constant joy. And I am not my moods (heck, I'm not even "I"). That awareness, that rich, beautiful, awe-inspiring awareness was just a taste: a "precursor," if you will. I now know why I was so stuck, so trapped.

It is You I was lonely for.

"we are the words"

A smiling couple entered the store this afternoon to purchase two sandwiches. "Mike's Way?" I asked enthusiastically. "Brittany, they can't hear you." It was then that I realized my mistake: this couple was deaf. However, they did not seem at all bothered by my initial misunderstanding & proceeded to smile as they pointed out their toppings of choice and even spoke a couple words here and there.

For some reason, this was a really poignant moment for me. I was amazed by the beauty of their conversation--their swiftly moving hands & the way they mouthed words to one another. I was amazed that they still spoke a bit to me even though they lacked the ability to "hear" in the normal sense of the word.

As I stood there, it dawned on me how, until this moment, I seem to have taken one of the greatest gifts of life for granted: my voice. I can speak. I can shout. I can whisper. I can laugh. And people will hear me. What an incredible gift...the fact that our own thoughts and emotions can be made clearly known by speaking words to those around us.

But as I stood there & continued to think about all this, I realized that this couple is also blessed with the same gift. They too can speak. They can shout. They can whisper. They can laugh.

On the surface, the means of communication may seem different: talking versus silence. But don't we all look into each others' eyes when we talk to one other? Don't we all use facial expressions to express what we're feeling? Laughter, tears, a smile--all say more than a thousand words ever will. And it is amidst the silence that we come to remember who we really are.

a vessel

What used to be difficult is now almost effortless as the light that resides here pours out every day, everywhere.

an elusive illusion

sitting in silence,
I focus solely on my breathing

a breath in,
a breath out

in
and out

in
and out....

so absorbed in this mindfulness,
the experience feels no longer than several moments

but upon opening my eyes,
I discover that about twenty minutes have passed

...isn't "time" just a curious, fickle thing?

physical, astral, causal -- ONE

How many lives had I lived not knowing your Love? How many times did you call out to me, but I refused to listen? Never again. I won't lose sight. I am no longer blind: you are ever-present within me, within them, within that...in everything. From this day forward, my life will remain lucid.

because it's open: enhanced

the city lights
in the distance

always glowed,
but now they flicker

it's okay; shift

Somehow, the right words always seem to find us when we need them most.

"Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."

And soon after, I remember to drop the words and take the time to fall into the beauty of everything & nothing.

1:43 PM: a start

sunlight beats down on my face; the music pounds in my ears & flows through me. walking down this busy but familiar street, I embrace the warmth and my surroundings, all that is around & above. tears start to well in my eyes as that deep sense of peace and joy washes over me, filling my heart and soul.

rejoice, for it's a new year! and I know that we are in for great change. I can feel it.