Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Everything satisfied for the moment but would ultimately fade; nothing left a consistent sense of happiness. In spite of my newfound awareness and love of life, I was essentially a conglomeration of varying moods, driven by extreme sensitivity and depth of feeling: up and down; down and up; again and again and again (...and again). The "zest" was never enough: that all-too-familiar loneliness sunk deep.

Last February, I wrote how part of me still longed for something more: "It's only been a year, but I'm thirsting again. For what? I'm not exactly sure. I just know that I am. There is so much now, and for that I am incredibly grateful. But tonight I realized that in spite of it all, something's missing." It was an intangible, all-too-apparent desire.

So here we are, two years since the awakening. And now, I know. Now, I understand. Nothing fades anymore--for You are constant happiness, constant joy. And I am not my moods (heck, I'm not even "I"). That awareness, that rich, beautiful, awe-inspiring awareness was just a taste: a "precursor," if you will. I now know why I was so stuck, so trapped.

It is You I was lonely for.

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