still looking

note to self: remembering long-past conversations and integrating them into present thoughts and emotions is an unhealthy recipe for disaster.

so, stop.

...easier said than done.

but i am learning.

don't forget to breathe

I know exactly what makes me "manic." I know what keeps me up all night. I know how to bring myself back to earth. It's just a matter of will. Sometimes I can't help but carried away by what I see and feel around me. It's then that I begin to exhibit the symptoms that always lead to increased dosages of medication. It's like I'm trapped in a labyrinth of my own creation. On the other hand, maybe I've lost all control...

On the night of my twentieth birthday, my emotions reached a boiling point. I couldn't stop sobbing. The pain was unbearable. It's nights when the loneliness hits me that I have to remember her wise words:

"Crying is working you up into a state of hysteria. In order to feel calm, you need to take some deep breaths and breathe out slowly. You know that the state of mania is not part of your soul. It's going to pass. You need to be strong, and help yourself to not be controlled by this."

[Keep your head above water, but don't forget to breathe.]

pressing matters

Lately, I have to keep reminding myself that this is happening for a reason...I have to continue living like this until change comes along. But the most frustrating part of it all is that I have no idea when that will be, nor what the "change" will consist of.

And then there's the fact that I keep romanticizing the future. I keep imagining some sort of fairytale lifestyle that blows reality out of the water. Maybe I watched too many Disney movies as a child...

Of course, logic eventually enters the scene and reminds me that I am most likely delusional/out-of-my-mind/insane/etc etc.

Can someone please tell me who knows the answers to what's "real" and what's not? I'd really like to meet that person and have him/her break down the madness that is currently taking over my mind.