this

"reality" has turned into a....show. so many people in my life--and even many i've never met and never will--all seem to be laughing and smiling about the same thing. and that same thing is something about which i know nothing.

i'm tired of being kept in the dark. i'm tired of hurting. i'm tired of not being able to mend my own heartbreak. i'm tired of living like this. i'm tired of going through these motions and playing along with these games.

i know there's a purpose so i'm just waiting it out. i have no fucking idea what that purpose is, but i know there is one.

still, i hurt.

nights have always been the worst, but nowadays even more so. it's a different kind of pain. i could say it's less intense, but that doesn't accurately describe it. i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm so used to the hurt that i am able to mask it better.

but it's much, much deeper than it ever has been.

and continues to grow.

if i ever told someone that this pain is worse than any of the mental or physical breakdowns of the past two years in living hell combined, i'd be deemed even crazier.

i just don't say anything about it anymore. to anyone. it feels good to get this out somewhere. i can't talk about it.

all i can do is feel it. accept it. let it wash over me. every day, i learn to live with it. but that doesn't mean it's easy. i still carry it with me. always have, always will.

with the tears of saints and hypocrites

I'm not awake,
I'm not asleep.

I was never either of the two. Those were labels. And those labels were lies.

Nonexistent.

When it comes down to it, all these words are nothing.

I was blind all along....for all I know, I still am. I will forever be wearing this new pair of glasses.

But that's the way this is supposed to be. I'm not supposed to understand completely. Enlightenment is a lie. All we can do is keep breathing.

I've been living here in this city of angels what's now just short of 21 years. And to this day, I am learning to keep my eyes and mind wide open. 

But it's not easy. 

I lost my way for years...

my mind,

my sanity,

my passion,

my hope.

It has taken numerous "near-death" experiences for me to finally learn the lesson that has been awaiting me all along: All I can ever know for sure is that I don't know. 

All I want is to be of service. 

All I want is to keep loving.

All I can---and will--do is remind myself that every breath is a second chance and remember how blessed I am to be here right now: I need the sea because it teaches me.

Dear brittany,

you are more than your first name. your middle name. your last name. your hometown. where you were born. where you have been. where you are going.

you have no need to find faults in others in order to blind yourself to your own vices. seek them out. their truths will indeed set you free. you will no longer be possessive. obsessive. perfectionistic. and worst of all: codependent. you will just be. 

and those around you will be free to do the same. they always were, you just failed to see. you put them in labeled boxes. you changed your own vision. your rose-colored glasses were lies: the world is much, much more beautiful than what you thought you were ‘seeing.’

brittany, it is time to grow. you can pull yourself out of the hell you’ve put yourself through. it has been more traumatizing than you ever could’ve imagined, but think about what you can do with it now. you have so much to use. you will do much more than survive. you will thrive. 

you will no longer selfishly live for others,

you will selflessly take care of others

and live for yourself.  

and these scars will heal

Last night was "awful." I couldn't stop sobbing because of the fact that I am somehow capable of forgiving anyone (people I know & even those I don't know personally/those I see or hear of throughout the world), but I for some reason have not been able to forgive myself. I am the only person I have not been able to forgive for various reasons these past two or so years. Chelle comforted me by saying it is part of the mania and that it will pass. She definitely soothed my anxiety and panic. She reminded me not to do so.

However, though I was no longer emotional. As I was falling asleep listening to the one playlist that comforts me most, I still couldn't accept or believe that this characteristic in my manic disposition was something that needed to be remedied. But it was. I had forgotten what I'd actually realized/felt to an extreme in March 2011.

Today a friend just happened to send me "The Egg." I read it a while back...it resonated with me deeply then, but today? Oh man. This is it. It's not too long.

http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html

I feel comforted by that story. Though I have indeed been manic and far from stable these past 2+ years, I am not crazy for feeling like I am somehow everyone at once...including various people throughout history whom I have studied. It's so...bah. I was still intellectually understanding the Law of One, but not truly understanding.

I forgot that I too am part of the One: I am I.

We are One tonight.

And Always.