*

below i said that i "wish things were different and there was someone who really understood where i'm coming from with all of this." i need to make something clear: i'm not saying that i wish there was someone who could understand literally everything about me and how i feel. that's unrealistic and impossible. and i get that now. in fact, i wouldn't want that because no one soul is exactly the same.

there's so much

that gets to me these days. emotionally, i mean. the more i remember events from my past. the more i refuse to live in denial. the more i accept my emotions and what i've experienced.

i mean, it's even stuff as futile as jokes on the internet such as the whole "go home you're drunk" and a myriad of others (and other sorts) both online and in person...in class, on the bus, wherever. but for me, none of it's joke. i used to be so scared. drunkenness isn't always a bad thing, and i get that. but for me, it was so scary and made me so sad. as did a lot more. i'm not getting my thoughts out clearly but i need to write them somewhere.

it's as if...i feel like i'm finally returning to my true perspective and innocence, yet having gone in the completely opposite direction i see and understand a lot more now. which makes everything more difficult. it's as if i'm a child or something. and every day i feel like people know that...and i don't mean this in a paranoid way. i don't know. which is fine, and i have learned to be quite alright with that. 

i just hate how i constantly wish things were different and that there was someone who really understood where i was coming from with all of this. lately it's kind of occurred to me how i've emotionally gone through a lot in life. like, i don't even know how i've gone through so much with my sensitive personality. and i'm not referring to just these two years of losing my mind and skull. no. i'm talking about stuff going back to my childhood and adolescence. i don't know. because i love my family. but i was so naive and blind. 

this probably makes no sense and isn't worded well at all. i don't want to sound whiny or woe-is-me. that's not my intention. it's all kind of ironic. i tried so desperately to let go of that selfish aspect of myself and wanted so desperately to help others...and felt so much to SUCH an extreme and ultimately lost my mind. as i've said way too many times before. but like, that was the the start of the long downward spiral and now i guess i could say that i'm kinda sorta back to the beginning. now i feel that loneliness and disconnect at an extreme level for the first time in years. there's just more clarity now that i remember and feel so much more about stuff that happened a long time ago. which makes this whole loneliness situation worse...? 

everything is going to be okay.

i hope.

who am i kidding?

i might as well be honest on here instead of just skimming the surface like i do everywhere else. i don't even know anymore. i can find a correlation and synchronicity in literally anything. it's not the diagnosis. it's my head. i no longer feel i'm going to die and need to leave all my thoughts with everyone as i did back in 2011...i no longer feel special or important, which is good in the case that the negative aspects of my ego have hopefully diminished...and continue to do so. but i feel more self-conscious than i ever remember.

and i'm tired of feeling alone. i know i have so much support from those i can't physically see here, but in spite of all that's happened...and the actions and non-action on both parts, you're the one person i still miss. but this is the kind of missing where i don't want to talk. i don't need to go anywhere. i just want to see your face and be in your presence. i hope you understand and i'm not sounding obsessive. it's just, i might as well take the opportunity to finally admit how i've been feeling all these years without hiding behind words and vague figurative language.

life is literally a book for me now. the ultimate art form...visually, musically, each human, each animal, each soul...so many intricate personalities and just...the buzzing energy of all creation that i can feel when i keep my hands still. that light in the center that i've ignored for years. except instead of wanting to analyze or judge everything, i just want to be at peace and observe. i just want to listen. and learn. and read. i'm tired of talking.

for the first time, i see symbols in everything. i see my story everywhere. it's beautiful.

and awful.

this is where

it started.

i don't know why i left.
i don't know know why i went looking in a million other places.
i don't know why i cared what the others think.
i don't know why i've always hated myself.
i don't know why everyone else makes me uncomfortable.
i don't know why i let myself forget my past.
i don't know why it was all so scary.
i don't know why i let god Go.
i don't know why i left Jesus...

i don't know so many things. this list could go on forever.  i said i'd never have regrets, but now i find myself regretting most of my life and hating myself for judging everyone. i mean, i fucking thought i was a reincarnation of Hitler back in summer 2011 and was a walking zombie, a ghost. i didn't know what the fuck was happening. i hated myself more than i ever had. i missed you.  i now know why i wrote about myself on the internet so willingly...myspace, youtube, facebook, twitter, tumblr. it was a way of putting myself out there and hearing positive responses from others without having to face them in person...it made me feel better about myself.

it gave me confidence...
but was all a fake.

a lie.

and now i find myself wanting to hide more than ever before. i need to be alone. otherwise, i need Music to carry me through these days that keep turning into night. it's a fucking ironic nightmare of my own creation. so i'm retreating. i only check facebook for notifications/messages and speak with friends...i can't see everything. it makes me sick. the voices are finally gone, but now everyone's laughing and i feel naked. the stupid 'about me' on tumblr says the bare minimum...all that is important. all that "i" am.

but i am nothing, no one. i don't even know if "I am I" anymore. i mean, i must be. but i miss so much. i've been lying to myself my whole life. the only thing that's remained a constant truth is Music.

thank you for helping me remember that i don't belong here. thank you for helping me remember who i really am. thank you for helping me learn what real Love is. thank you for helping me re-discover the love of God. thank you for being the stepping stones that eventually--after years of hell--led me back to the beginning of my relationship with Christ.

i never told you this,
i wanted to.

i was so afraid.

i love you.

i am

alive,

so alive

"...may you find the strength to know you are a part of Something Beautiful."

today the sun comforted me. and as the sun sunk deeper and the sky glowed orange, something led me to focus on pranayama for the first time in two years.


i no longer fear i that i had let myself completely disconnect from this world's beauty.

i'm slowly starting to remember how to love living on earth.

though i'm not yet gone, i'm still not here.

"You are aware of the concept of initiation and realize that it demands the centering of the being upon the seeking of the Creator...seeking the Creator is done not just in meditation and the work of an adept but in the experiential nexus of each moment... the abandoning of self to such desire to know the Creator in full that the purified in-streaming light is drawn in balanced fashion through all energy centers, meeting in indigo and opening the gate to intelligent infinity. Thus the entity experiences true life or, as your people call it, resurrection." 

there is so much that i read and feel pulled toward. yet, i remain here--engaging in actions and non-actions that seem to go contrary to all that i am searching for and aspire toward. i mean, i know that every decision i make is my own. i can't blame anyone but me for all that has happened these past two years, but that doesn't mean i have to hate myself for it like i tend to do these days. i am learning to forgive. it's not easy though, especially when i feel like i got myself into a mess that has inhibited my personal and spiritual growth.

i guess that i just need to remember that all of this is, in fact, an open opportunity for further growth. however, the current situation i find myself in is kind of going backwards in a lot of regards. i can only pray that once i have found a way out all of this hasn't been too detrimental.

“Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them.” ----Martin Henry Fischer, German-born American physician

as i've said on countless occasions, i have no idea what's happening anymore. i guess the only thing i can do is keep pretending i have some sort of understanding and internally remind myself everything will be okay. i need to remember to be. here. now.

cause as i've said 1927102819212+ times in the past, now is all we have.

i'm tired of searching for things outside myself. why did i get so caught up in what others were telling me? it's always been within. a full understanding of truth cannot be taught, only experienced. and i knew that. but ever since i stopped following what my soul would tell me, everything started spiraling out of control. i'm tired of organized anything. the moment i started following lessons and fixating on formulaic directions before me to an extreme back in 2011, i fucked everything over for myself.

i was happy to simply read, to meditate. i was so happy to give, to serve.

i was so willing to BE, to experience and grow through life--up until i stopped listening to my soul.

i need to

a) get over myself
b) stop avoiding people
c) learn how to let go
d) learn to not be so sensitive
e) not be afraid to engage fully in life
f) stop thinking about the past
g) stop idealizing the future

but everything is so much easier said than done.