a swingset and a slide

replaying that day in my mind.

over and
over

I see you. I feel the motion and the cool wind on my face as I fly into the air.

up and
down

I feel the speed as we race to keep up with you.

forward and
back

I see you sitting there next to me: it's night now.

A plane disrupts the silence as it flies overhead.

You like the noise...as do I.

'your love is gonna drown'

You think you're unaffected,
and are convinced you can stand it

But then...when you hear about it
coming from those you'd least expect,

it hurts--a lot.

You think to yourself, isn't this what you claim to not let bother you? You tell yourself and others never to worry what others may think or say, so why should this be any different?

probably because it's harder coming from
those you consider dear friends.

you truly care about them, and it hurts
when you find out they don't reciprocate your feelings,
that they must not see it or are too stuck in their bitter views.

But just remember what those two so wisely said as they held you, wiping your tears and comforting you with laughter and love that reminds you how so unbelievably lucky you are to have them.

You can't make everyone like you,
not everyone is going to understand...

and that's okay.

__________________________________

As painful as it may be, I'm not going to let it change the way I act or how and who I am toward them. I still will care. I still see the beauty in them, in everyone.

And sometimes it's really really hard.
Because I can't stop feeling this way--even if I wanted to do so--and not everyone else sees it like that.

Who knows?

Maybe--in time--they'll reevaluate their harsh opinions.
Maybe they won't.

But no matter what the case,

I'll still have the special ones. I'll still be me.

And that's really all that matters.

with one step

My eyes--they adjust
A flicker in the darkness
Here I am--floating

I look up, breathe in
The night has enveloped us
Oh, it's grand to imagine...

flow

I am drifting,
slowly drifting.

The water carries me down...
it sparkles.

Shimmering white moves along a constant cover;
gaze above, a pure blue sky with clouds all around.

Soft,
gentle clouds.

Depths of emerald trees consume my vision.
They're strong.

I feel heat as
the sun beats down on my naked shoulders.

Yes, I am drifting..
drifting along--drifting.

discussion

life is unpredictable.

life can suck.

life is never for sure.

life can be crappy.

life has fleeting moments.
life has seemingly interminable moments.
life has lasting moments.

life has good.
life has bad.

but life is.

life is..

life is life.

you can't question it, you can't say it's nothing.

because it's something.

that's all there is to it.

there's no other real way to define it.

_______________________________________

don't you love
when that feeling of calm comes over you?

in the late of the night
early morning

and the feeling tells you
it will all
be okay?

just remember to breathe.

an end; a beginning

words,
sweet words

to understand
is to taste
their sweet delight

wrap me,
cover me

with words--

dripping, oozing tenderness.

Headphones to Drown Out Your Mind

The rare occasion of my typing out my journal, rambling thoughts and all:

8:12 PM

I just rode to the library to renew my books...after--just as I did yesterday--falling asleep for 2 hours when I was supposed to tackle my massive amounts of summer reading.

On the ride back, "42" (Live Version) came on...and something about the intensity of the music, the screams from the audience, and the dreary--yet peaceful--feeling of the weather/air...along with my own...unknown emotions all made my eyes water. I'm now sitting on the top part of the bench on the center of the bluff path where I sat back on that one day in April. I'm watching the lights. the cars on Lincoln and Jefferson. A gray sky. Everywhere. Except it's covering a clear, white, slightly pinkish part on the left. This view is familiar to me. Just to my right is the other bluff trail in front of the university. I realize something..it's divided.

the bluff.

One half is right by my mom's; the other, right by my dad's. Symbolic of my own life in a very accurate, strange way.

It's all one.
Connected. Together.
But split down the middle by the opposing streets,
the quick speeds moving in two separate directions.
yet, if it weren't for this one split, it would remain one.
it is still one. just divided. so similar...yet so faraway.

I don't even know what I mean exactly or where I'm going with this.

I do know that the watering in my eyes won't go away.

The tears are there. my eyes are wet. I feel them. damp on my eyelids...brewing..but not..spilling forth.

Why won't they? I want them to.

They're stuck there.

My heart is aching...but for some reason, it's different than usual. I'm not even sure why.

It's gotten darker now. Several joggers have rushed past me. A woman with her dog. A boisterous man on his cell-phone. The sky stays completely gray, except for the horizontal sliver that has turned even pinker.

A couple walks by, holding hands.
And another.
They laugh.

I'm still here.
Silent.
Except for the music in my ears, flowing through my veins.

in my heart.

The city is lit up. This is more apparent now with the darkening sky. Someone in the house faraway to my left has just flicked off a light.

I don't want to move. or go home right now. I want to stay here. Everyone else keeps moving by; they're not stopping.

Again, I remain.

I don't know what to do.

I'll stay here a bit longer and then ride up to the corner of my street and stare through the fence.

Soak
it
all
in?

I remain.