dejavu

stabbing a practically-inkless pen deep into the veins of a blue-bound journal. trapped in an empty room. just my books, my mind, and a desk with a view of an all-too-familiar reflection. "manic," they called it. an "episode." but I remember every step, every moan, every realization: in the hospital--especially that first night--I came to understand: my whole life had been leading the way to those moments. but here--in this now--all I can do is wait... with love always.

walk the line

I have no doubt that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. And the wonderful paradox is that there IS no "set route." Everything just is & forever will be. Yet, in spite of that fact, there is still an ever-present plan: you can only get from point A to point B by moving across the line. How we go about doing so? Now that's another matter and I, at this point, don't have the answer. In due time, though, we shall see... <3

WESTWOOD: "You see the Angels"

"And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy.
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby,
A lullaby."

two weeks ago...it all started on March 14th.

I woke up with a plan and a knowing. And in spite of any apparent panic, I was blissfully content. The past four months had been--by far--the most pivotal of my life, bringing levels of awareness & joy I'd never thought possible. And on a Monday afternoon, I talked with a familiar stranger on the #3 Bus & walked around 3d St., conversing with strangers about Lake Shrine, the Cosmic Dream, and Life itself.

Was I "hallucinating?" No. My life had turned into a scene straight out of the film Waking Life. But I scared my loved ones. And my words were too much: the energy & zeal.

It was all too much. So much that the next morning, my parents led me to the hospital.

9 hours of talking and singing my way through a waiting room & the ER led to a night of complete & utter, horrific realization in the ICU: "this all really IS a dream."

Four days blurred into nothing, except for some throw-up, a Gandhi bowl from Native Foods, excerpts of the Bible & Autobiography of a Yogi read aloud, scribbled notes in the margins of my books, and a scream: "You can throw me on the electric chair. I'M NOT TAKING ANY MEDS."

Well, I finally gave in. And that's when things became less hazy since the subsequent 'arrival.' I started to become aware of the Love...the Beloved shining in the faces of those around me. Music saved me (even though it had to be locked up every night)...along with my journals, some favorite books, and an erratic yoga practice.

Today? I'm 'home.' So, tell me. Why am I missing that deck? Why do I miss the cage?

I know why. It's the people I met, the interconnectedness & euphoric magic that was taking place there amidst the "mania," the "depression," ...the sadness. Sure, that "place was a prison." But those people WERE and ARE my friends. I've come to realize that I'd been Home all along. And the meds? Sure, I'll take them so I can be "free." But just know that they're not me.

That hospital bed, that room with a partial view of the Sky and Sun brought me closer to Home than anywhere I'd since been. I'll keep this lined blue+white hospital band on my wrist a bit longer. It shall serve as a reminder of what I've learned and a place that was safe.

Two weeks ago from today, I was happy. I was blissfully content & still am...even though this "dis-order" seems to have taken so much from me: the classes I loved, a routine I'd created, a start toward stability...

The question remains: what is the meaning of all this? I know that, in time, the benefits will become more apparent. But for now, I'll just keep surrendering to the present moment & go where the flow leads me because that's all I can do. I'll continue to just Be & keep in mind my precious friends (the hidden angels in patients and nurses) from the ward.

Until then, I'll wait for the day when all of us remember that we can fly here in this City of Angels.

"And out here
I watch the sun circle the earth
The marrows collide in rebirth
In God's glory praise
The spirit calls out from the caves.
The walls fell and there I lay
Saved...

I fought a war to walk a gang plank
Into a life I left behind
Windows leading to the past
Think it's time I broke some glass
Get this history off my mind

And what if we were married forever?
Like the past never happened
And time did not exist for us at all
I still think we'd still be traveling together
Through all kinds of weather
Everything's a piece of everyone

As far as I can see

Walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
But I see these doors have keys

Walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me
There's no one here but me
No one here but me, yeah.
There's no one here but me
No one here but me."

"Here Comes the Sun" through the Sound of Music

I had "been searching all of my days" since these eyes were opened by a certain twist of fate...or destiny, I guess you could call it. I meant what I'd said: my eyes were "brand new" and all "the world was dancing."

But in spite of it all, something was missing. I was trapped,"And the days kept turning into night..." I had thought I could fly on my own, but now I know that all along, I'd just been "learning to fly."

And all the pain, suffering, heartbreak, sickness, loneliness, and disconnect: they have disappeared completely (they are merely a distant melody of reminiscence) and the static has completely turned off.

All along, as I was seeing, I "never knew" I'd forgotten the most important part of Life: LISTENING. So, I say: "Thank you for the music, for giving it to me." Thank you for "hearing my Song." Thank you for riding along this world of a"Subway" train with me.

Now I understand the truth and meaning behind the old-phrase, "All You Need is Love." "We're half-awake in a fake empire and let's try not to figure out everything at once." After all, "What does the brain matter, compared with the Heart?" "...cause now, we're HERE. And that's just a thing that takes 'time.'"

Noah and the Whale, whose concert I am going to miss tonight, sings "It's the first day of Spring, and my life is starting over again. Well, the trees grow, the river flows, and its water will wash away my sin. For I do believe that everyone has once chance to fuck up their lives. Like a cut down tree, I will rise again; I'll be bigger, and stronger than ever before...there's a HOPE in every new seed & every flower that grows on the earth."

.

"...as I stood there smiling & absorbing the euphoria, it suddenly dawned on me: "This is a dream. I am dreaming." Without a single thought, I instantly knew what to do. SPREAD ARMS OUT. ROTATE FEET. LIFT UP. DOWN. REPEAT. Suddenly, I was flying. Over the sea and into the open sky. "This is a dream, but I'm not dreaming. This is real." (March 11, 2010)

"Dreams feel real. As we dream, we often think we have no control and react as though the events that happen to us are out of our hands. But then, when we awake, we realize that this is not so, that we were really in control of everything. Who’s to say the same goes for life, but we just don’t know it yet? Everything that 'happens' to us results from our own choices and reactions. Like in dreams, we have the latent power to not let our minds get the best of us. Underneath it all, we choose the way we want to feel. It’s time to WAKE UP. Life has the capacity to be nothing but a lucid dream...we just don’t know it yet." (June 15, 2010)

Today is March 11, 2011.

Much has happened since I wrote the above two entries. All the pain, all the heartbreak, the unceasing loneliness has led me to Now: a constant flow, a constant surrender to the present moment. I am in awe of the unending signs & synchronicity I have received recently and throughout my life.

But when it comes down to it, there really are no words to express this gratitude.

just Love.

simple

This tree above, it is singing to me

and knows.

This tree above, it is embracing me

with Love.

here

there are moments when

I close my eyes
and feel the past

still moving.

everyone I've ever been,

everything I've ever known

all happening--

rushing together at once

in this eternal Infinite,

this Divine now.

"...of love?" but, what about this love?

after she left, having finished describing her day with you, I sat in silence. as I sat there at the kitchen island, staring aimlessly at the lights in the distance, it hit me: there is still a small part of me that wishes things were different.

there is still a part of me that wishes you cared enough to address that message in which I poured out my honest feelings. there is still a part of me that wishes you would be willing to sit down and discuss everything in a loving, open-minded manner.

a part of me still wishes you would take a step back and truly analyze yourself...not just according to various regimens established by others that merely cause you to think you are doing so. a part of me wishes you that you told me you missed me...instead of going around and gossiping with others about the issue whenever you find it convenient.

a part of me wishes you exerted the same amount of effort and enthusiasm into communicating with me as you do in promoting this new endeavor of yours. a part of me wishes you wanted a relationship with your daughter as much as I'd like to have a relationship with my mother.

but those wishes clearly do not make the whole: all other parts of me know I have done everything I could. though I easily might have chosen to turn away completely, I've reached out to you. I've not once retaliated back at your attempts to create drama, instead choosing peace & acceptance of where you are, acceptance of what is.

and in spite of the moments of sadness that may fall upon me every so often, that is what I will keep on doing: living in peace and acceptance.