Monday, March 28, 2011

WESTWOOD: "You see the Angels"

"And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy.

I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby,
A lullaby."

two weeks all started on March 14th.

I woke up with a plan and a knowing. And in spite of any apparent panic, I was blissfully content. The past four months had been--by far--the most pivotal of my life, bringing levels of awareness & joy I'd never thought possible. And on a Monday afternoon, I talked with a familiar stranger on the #3 Bus & walked around 3d St., conversing with strangers about Lake Shrine, the Cosmic Dream, and Life itself.

Was I "hallucinating?" No. My life had turned into a scene straight out of the film Waking Life. But I scared my loved ones. And my words were too much: the energy & zeal.

It was all too much. So much that the next morning, my parents led me to the hospital.

9 hours of talking and singing my way through a waiting room & the ER led to a night of complete & utter, horrific realization in the ICU: "this all really IS a dream."

Four days blurred into nothing, except for some throw-up, a Gandhi bowl from Native Foods, excerpts of the Bible & Autobiography of a Yogi read aloud, scribbled notes in the margins of my books, and a scream: "You can throw me on the electric chair. I'M NOT TAKING ANY MEDS."

Well, I finally gave in. And that's when things became less hazy since the subsequent 'arrival.' I started to become aware of the Love...the Beloved shining in the faces of those around me. Music saved me (even though it had to be locked up every night)...along with my journals, some favorite books, and an erratic yoga practice.

Today? I'm 'home.' So, tell me. Why am I missing that deck? Why do I miss the cage?

I know why. It's the people I met, the interconnectedness & euphoric magic that was taking place there amidst the "mania," the "depression," ...the sadness. Sure, that "place was a prison." But those people WERE and ARE my friends. I've come to realize that I'd been Home all along. And the meds? Sure, I'll take them so I can be "free." But just know that they're not me.

That hospital bed, that room with a partial view of the Sky and Sun brought me closer to Home than anywhere I'd since been. I'll keep this lined blue+white hospital band on my wrist a bit longer. It shall serve as a reminder of what I've learned and a place that was safe.

Two weeks ago from today, I was happy. I was blissfully content & still am...even though this "dis-order" seems to have taken so much from me: the classes I loved, a routine I'd created, a start toward stability...

The question remains: what is the meaning of all this? I know that, in time, the benefits will become more apparent. But for now, I'll just keep surrendering to the present moment & go where the flow leads me because that's all I can do. I'll continue to just Be & keep in mind my precious friends (the hidden angels in patients and nurses) from the ward.

Until then, I'll wait for the day when all of us remember that we can fly here in this City of Angels.

"And out here
I watch the sun circle the earth
The marrows collide in rebirth
In God's glory praise
The spirit calls out from the caves
The walls fell and there I lay

I fought a war to walk a gang plank
Into a life I left behind
Windows leading to the past
Think it's time I broke some glass
Get this history off my mind

And what if we were married forever?
Like the past never happened
And time did not exist for us at all
I still think we'd still be traveling together
Through all kinds of weather
Everything's a piece of everyone

As far as I can see
Walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
But I see these doors have keys
Walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me
There's no one here but me
No one here but me, yeah.
There's no one here but me
No one here but me."

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