on the road

I know I'm supposed to be here...but right now, I can't help wishing I weren't. I know I shouldn't let certain things get to me...but sometimes, they really do. I'm constantly told I'm still "recovering" and things will get better...but times like these make it hard to remain positive. I know I'm still "me." At this moment, though, I don't exactly feel like myself.

However...deep down, I understand:

This, too, shall pass.

...I just wish it wouldn't take so long.

gratitude

The paper on the edge of my tea bag reads, "Gratitude is the open door to abundance." The second I read this, I had to pause. The words really struck me for some reason. And now, as I sit here sipping my tea, I find that I'm still thinking about them.

Gratitude. I recall that before certain events this year took place, I was embracing this word more than I ever had. I remember waking up everyday, feeling so grateful that I was back at home, doing what I wanted to do with the people I love. I knew that I shouldn't fear the future because everything that needed to happen would reveal itself in time. I remember this one journal that I used specifically for making lists of everything for which I was thankful. Any time I thought of something, I'd make sure to write it down. I carried that journal with me everywhere I went as a reminder of life's blessings: both the big and the small.

Gratitude. I now realize I paused when I read that sentence because after all that has happened lately, I have completely forgotten about my former perspective. It's so easy to focus on what's wrong. It's so easy to wish things had happened differently, to get caught up in the past or the future and thereby, forget about the present. I can honestly say I don't think I've consciously been thankful for months. It's strange, really...how quickly a perspective can change. Our thoughts really do dictate the way we live our lives, though it is very easy (and human) to let them control us. It's so easy to believe we have no control over emotions, but if we make a conscious effort to become a watcher of the mind (instead of succumbing to it), everything can change.

Gratitude. Back when I fully embraced this concept, every single moment felt precious & daily life became almost magical. Now, I definitely can't say things are the same. But tonight, that small tea bag reminded me that my current state of mind needn't consume me forever. I need to be grateful for all the wonderful people and blessings I have in my life. I need to remind myself to stop, take a look around, and be thankful...for there is, indeed, so much for which to be grateful.

in spite of a bond

it's been several weeks now since you stopped reaching out to me. i know you have a new person in your life. and i'd be lying if i said that I was beaming with happiness for you, when part of me feels replaced. i understood from the start that you were moving forward, but the way it was kept a secret for so long just didn't seem right.

things are so different now.

i thought you'd always be the one closest to me...maybe that's why this all feels so strange. it's sort of like our past, which meant so much to me, has been tossed aside. was our relationship really as important to you as you said it was? if so, how does it feel to have me missing from your life?

over these past weeks, i assumed i was just being melodramatic, so i sort of brushed my feelings aside. however, today, those feelings were brought back into the light. when he told me what he thought was going to happen, i didn't believe it. i couldn't. the idea seemed so unlike you and the person i thought you were. today, though, i'm starting to understand. he was right.

while i'm not letting your behavior hurt me, i would have expected much better from you. there's no good reason for your actions. you have so much already and in the future, you will have even more. so, tell me. why this? is it because of your resentments? if so, why can't you let them go? do you have any sympathy for his situation?

what happened to putting into practice what i thought you believed? remember what we once read...how everything comes down to one of two emotions: fear or love? it seems to me that you are coming from a place of fear.

where's the compassion? do you not see the sadness of what's happening here? deep down, your soul knows what's right. i just wish you would acknowledge the truth and choose love over fear...because peace is what we all need.

lately

i've been trying, each day, to continue living in the present. but i sometimes can't help feeling down about the fact that i am in such a different place than most of my peers. those are the times i try to remind myself that there's no rush & all will eventually work out for the best.

i've also been trying to look past the current impact on my physical appearance and take solace in the fact that in the future, i'll be able to "heal" the way i'd like...in a holistic way. the sideffects of this so-called "medicine" go to show how unnatural it all really is. there are other ways out there. it's just that the majority have chosen not to pursue them further.

sometimes, i think that my "purpose" may have something to do with taking my experience and not only helping others with their situations, but working to change the current paradigm. but for now, all i can do is focus on today...one step at a time.

night's glow

It's 1:48 am...

And I'm still wide awake, probably due to the coffee I had around 7pm as I sat by the warm fireplace with my father.

I'm not sure what led me to start a post, but here I am.

I just finished making a two-page list in my journal of random thoughts in bullet-point form. It felt good to get them all out & onto the paper. It's been so long since I've done so regularly.

I guess I'm sorta doing the same thing again here, which is interesting because I don't normally use blogspot for occasions such as this.

I'm currently lying in bed with my laptop. All the lights are off, except for the glow of the keyboard and screen.

It's been quite a while since I've been up this late.

I forgot how nice it feels to be the only one awake, to feel at one with the night.

This moment is comforting...

And the silence envelops me with its precious stillness of Being.

thoughts

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here. I mean, I know there's a reason (otherwise I wouldn't be here). It's just...tonight really made me realize that the way the majority of people treat themselves and each other baffles me beyond belief. And I don't just mean things that are clearly 'wrong,' like violence for example. I'm talking about the little stuff too...judgment, gossip, jealousy, resentment, bitterness, anger, etc. Everything feels so foreign, and I can't relate. I don't see things in black or white. I don't know how to analyze anymore. I empathize deeply, but no longer "feel it all." Everything just...is. And though I am working on going back to living in the now like I was before that tumultuous disruption last March, I can't help but question whether these characteristics of mine will prevent me from getting through the "practical," necessary aspects of day-to-day living. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I just know that while I still see things from all sides, I am detached more than ever.

George Harrison summed it up best: "Sometimes I feel like I'm actually on the wrong planet. It's great when I'm in my garden, but the minute I go out the gate I think, 'What the hell am I doing here?'"