Saturday, May 25, 2013

so we beat on

I've gone through more than I'd ever imagined I would. That's no surprise. And though I've felt so beaten--as if my innocence  had been stolen from me--I now realize that I still hold my same perspective, so it was actually never stolen. It's here. I feel mentally like myself more than I have in years, but more and more alone--on a personal level--with each passing day. As I watch all my acquaintances, old friends, and those close to me growing through life. As I watch them progressing and taking steps forward. I know I'm growing too. But I feel like I'm standing still--and not just literally. Everyone looks so beautiful. I feel like all these years have deteriorated my youthful passions and zest, or even something as petty as my outward appearance.  I started crying the other night. A lot. When I was alone and had the opportunity to do so. I realized 2009 was the last year I've had of full stability. No unhealthy amounts of fear. No depression. No diagnosis. No multiple visits to the ER for psychological or physical reasons. No stays in either ICU. No endless weeks in the hospital. No high doses of medication. No multiple near-death experiences. It's been over three years since all this began. 

I can't recreate the past; it's pointless to even think this way. But I guess I just miss the last two years of high school. I still talk to some people or we're at least FB friends. But everyone is off living their lives. Attending college. Finding job opportunities. Or just recently graduating. From university...from high school. The freshmen from three years ago just graduated and are off to college. First graders are 8th graders. I walk around this neighborhood and any time I run into someone from my past, I feel out of place. Everyone--everything--is moving so fast. And I'm standing still, stuck in spring and summer of 2010. Stuck in my second semester senior year. Everyone else is gone, having developed new relationships and ways of living-- happy to have graduated years ago and face reality as they look forward to future ventures. I, on the other hand, am apparently capable of facing directions only far behind me.  

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