pressing matters

Lately, I have to keep reminding myself that this is happening for a reason...I have to continue living like this until change comes along. But the most frustrating part of it all is that I have no idea when that will be, nor what the "change" will consist of.

And then there's the fact that I keep romanticizing the future. I keep imagining some sort of fairytale lifestyle that blows reality out of the water. Maybe I watched too many Disney movies as a child...

Of course, logic eventually enters the scene and reminds me that I am most likely delusional/out-of-my-mind/insane/etc etc.

Can someone please tell me who knows the answers to what's "real" and what's not? I'd really like to meet that person and have him/her break down the madness that is currently taking over my mind.

Three Realizations

I've come to realize a few things lately. I'd always understood them intellectually, but not emotionally. Now, I think I'm beginning to do so...

1) No one can ever be understood completely.

I used to feel so heartbreakingly lonely. I remember nights sobbing in my room, feeling as if my heart would cave in. I'd constantly tell my friends that they didn't understand me, that I'd never find anyone who truly would. But now I see how ludicrous that was. And even if it were possible to find someone who understood me entirely, it would take away so much of life's magic. We are all unique individuals with multitudes of personalities and characteristics to offer the world. If we all understood each other, we wouldn't be human.

2) The act of falling in love could use some re-examining.

Most people dream of finding a soulmate, their "other half," or the "missing piece" of their hearts. But I've come to see that we shouldn't enter into relationships with the intention of feeling more complete. We shouldn't search for someone to fill that void we feel within ourselves. No. Before we enter into a relationship with our soulmates, we need to have already filled that void on our own. We need to look within. We need to fully understand who we are (and not seek to be understood). We need to recognize our own self-worth (instead of seeking such validation from our loved one). We need to love ourselves. We need to know...no, not know...we need to feel and understand that we are Divine. We need to recognize that we are One with the Universe.

3) Love isn't two halves making a whole; it is two wholes--two self-realized souls--coming together to celebrate their completeness.

I'm not trying to be all preachy about this. And I'm not going to force these beliefs I've come to find on anyone. This blog is my way of expressing myself. It's my way of sending my message out to the whole world, yet at the same time knowing it will most likely only be read by those in my life. And that is perfectly fine by me. I'd also like to add that I don't regret any of my previous beliefs nor do I regret the road that led me to where I am. I wouldn't trade my past for anything.

choose your own adventure

I feel like my life has been and continues to be a modern day epic, in which I am the protagonist. I have no idea how the story ends, but I am perfectly okay with that. In fact, I don't want to know the ending. I just want to be fully present every moment as I watch it all unfold.

a tidbit

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that read, "not of this world." It reminded me of the phrase, "In this world, but not of it." If I had to describe my stance on life, that would be it.

season's musings

lately, a certain idea has been crossing my mind: the fragility of existence. I know it's nothing profound; it's just...sometimes, when I take a step back and ponder the fact that we're all here on this planet going through our experiences together...I don't know. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. I just know that everything has started feeling more delicate. life has so much beauty...and, of course, so much pain. it's as if I've come to view everyone and everything as pieces that make up a set of fine china. that sounds sort of lame, but I don't know how else to describe what I'm feeling...except for maybe this quote from "Desiderata."

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story...be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars."

I hadn't started feeling any sort of holiday spirit until today. though it's only slowly creeping on me, I hope it continues to do so in spite of certain changes to my family's situation...because it can be such a special--even magical--time. during this season especially may we remember the most important gift & treasure of this life: love.

reflection

the mind gets going,
and comparisons
arise.

judgment
of oneself,

and feelings
of inferiority;

tears
of hopelessness,

and a sense
of misdirection;

the mind takes control,
and all peace
is gone.

these
are the moments

to pause

and reconnect.

the other side

last night I dreamt I was being dragged from an unpleasant circle of screaming people into depths of complete darkness. there was no light: just a winding black staircase leading nowhere. and I was trapped. as hard as I tried, I couldn't escape. I felt panic...extreme fear. eventually, I woke up. and though it took quite awhile, I finally fell back asleep.

once again, I dreamt that I was in the same black room. but this time, the long spiral staircase didn't ascend into never-ending darkness; it led to a small, rectangular opening that seemed to be floating in mid-air. I somehow managed to climb through this portal and found myself in a glowing, white hallway. there were rooms on both sides and many more down the hall...each decorated in their own unique ways. there was a sense of peace about the place. at the end of the hall, i found a vacant room with walls made of glass. as I peered through the large window in front of me, I looked down and saw people going about their various activities. a certain sense of fellowship in the air, they all seemed content and connected with one other. it was unlike any city I had ever seen. a few people saw me and waved, smiling as if we were life-long friends.

after some moments passed, I took a seat in the center of the room and sighed with relief: I knew I was finally safe...I'd found my true home.