Sunday, November 3, 2013


I just read my previous entry and loved the irony of the last sentence.

Anyway. That inspired me to write an entry here. I'm not sure what it will contain. Hmmm here we go. Stream of consciousness? Yes. No constant editing as I type.

Well, we've made it to November. Wow. I don't know. Time is passing so feels like just yesterday I was getting ready for the surgery I openly acted so calm and excited for as a means of suppressing the intense fears I had. That was fun when I didn't sleep the whole night before and had anxiety and was crying on the car ride there. It was that night I realized my true emotions about it, how my cold was psychosomatic of course (brought on by my weird fear thing like when I used to get sick before shows and all that).

Anyway. Wow. In just 16 days it will have been exactly a year to the day. I remember that whole morning in the pre-surgery room vividly and for some reason that whole morning is vividly entering my memory this very second, and waiting alone in the bare side of the hospital at kind of feels like it was some other world. Haha I remember now that it felt so surreal, like I was in space or something. I don't know. That sounds weird. I'm glad I had Paws with me. And headphones. And certain songs on repeat. The anxiety lowered. And my dad was so helpful in the car.. But at the same time it was eerily reminiscent of the 2am drive--also to UCLA--for a far different reason back during the first week of January 2012. It was so weird because we were literally on the same freeway and the lights looked the same and everything and this just. I don't know. It was a really weird feeling and realization that occurred to me while driving to the surgery. I can picture exactly where we were on the freeway too. In a sense, that is what made me cry even more. But it wasn't bad. Just. So many emotions.

I remember the huge, open hallway with its wide window...the fact it was pitch black outside. That hallway felt so far away.  And then talking with dad in the pre-operating room...that amazing nurse who was able to create the IV and unlike the endless tries of other doctors over the years, found a working vein IMMEDIATELY (of course that hasn't happened since). I don't know why I'm focusing so much on that, but there was something so calming about her...and she had a beautiful smile and positive energy that comforted me, yet she couldn't have been in there for more than 3 minutes. Alright. Now this is turning into rambling. I could write more randomness about so much of this. Perhaps I will when I get my computer back to life? Tuesday I shall venture to figure out what's going on with that. I miss typing on a keyboard.

Going to work gives me a better sense of purpose. Actually going out and connecting with others...actually communicating with people. I don't know. I'm really happy that I don't really have friends that I chat with except two (or three sometimes). And even then, it's not constant or involved. I love keeping to myself and where I am with that. So that's why work is nice because on those three or four days of the week, I spend a good chunk of the day outside of myself and seeing new (and sometimes familiar) faces.

Oh so back to the beginning. Though I said the year has passed so quickly and it feels like I was just getting ready for my surgery, at the same time December 2012 feels like forever ago. And moving forward, in retrospect, so much more insanity transpired. But as much of it I may have exhibited via the internet, the large majority of it was within myself. The first half of the year was incredibly difficult. Looking back at that whole period up until around June I see so much pain and confusion. I'm grateful to be where I am now. It's taken years, but I needed the last twelve months to figure out so much. I've had some deep realizations, especially regarding mania. Though I knew what I allowed to fuel it, I have a better understanding of why. It's always been the same--just varying degrees or different extremes of delusional misunderstanding.

I have a better understanding of when it was that a lot of my emotional strength began to shift. And it wasn't just after March 2011. Nah. So much more has made sense, and I spent an entire 80-minute geography lecture writing in my journal, figuring out a lot of this after it all came rushing forth for some reason.

The pieces are coming into view. And I could feel sad that I didn't make the connections sooner, but I'm working not to let myself do that. In fact, let me get my journal and see if there's anything brief worth writing from it.

Well. I don't want to go into any of the details, so I'll just leave with this:

" I guess from that moment on, I no longer felt confident in myself/expressing my feelings (and thus, standing up for my personal truths). Like, I'm not wording this properly. But I've over these years, started to be honest with myself about this. I didn't want to admit any of it."

And that's why I wasn't seeing.

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