Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place

So I'm currently sitting in bed, listening to my favorite Explosions in the Sky album. The music is streaming through my right ear as I'm wearing only one earbud in order to absorb the sound of raindrops outside the window to my left. There are no words to describe the perfection of these combined sounds. Bosco is curled up next to me. And snoring. Gah, this is such a wonderful moment. In fact, there was something significant about today as a whole.

The second I sat down in the first bus this morning at 8:30am, I began to feel an overwhelming emotion I haven't felt in years. And that is one of immense love for everyone surrounding me. Complete and total strangers. Everywhere I looked I noticed so much many differences. So many stories. So many thoughts. I could see everyone thinking (or exhausted, perhaps trying not to think as they sighed in preparation for a long day). I don't know. All I know is this awareness took place throughout the day on all four buses. And walking across intersections. I could feel that strange sensation I used to, literally around my chest. I believe I wrote about this years ago...let me go find the entry.

Okay. So a part of the entry from 12/12/10 reads, "after a minute or so I made it to the end of the sidewalk. while waiting for the stoplight to change so I could cross the street, I took the first, precious sip of my eggnog latte. I instantly felt the familiar spark of warmth that starts in the chest and then spreads throughout the entire body. it was right at that moment that it occurred to me how that feeling of comfort is not too different from the ever-present joy that has lately been pervading my heart, my being. in fact, they are almost identical."

I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's quite powerful and comforting at the same time? It's like a physical response to the emotion I am holding. It seems both a natural and necessary reaction. I don't know how to word any of this properly. There is so much to say. All I can write I guess is that it's significant. I'm grateful to start feeling the love I hold for mankind as I once did in the past. My compassion and understanding didn't leave back in 2011. I was still conscious of my beliefs and have maintained my thoughts...but what was sad is I no longer felt the emotions to match any of them. So in a sense, it was almost hard to believe what I knew was true. I mean, I never didn't believe it. It was just awful feeling numb. I missed the emotion...and after three years, I kind of stopped missing it. And today I realize how much I'd forgotten.

This response is not just toward people I interact with or am surrounded by. Everything around me. Everything I see. Nature. Flowers...lizards running along the bluff path...clouds...the sky especially. I feel more and more connected to everything each day. It's a gradual process, but I am so grateful that it is taking place. I needn't allow the intensity of this world's pain overwhelm me.

I have learned that it is okay to understand, but the depth of empathy should never overpower my own centeredness. I am blessed to be given the opportunity to feel the love I hold for this universe in a healthy, balanced manner.

We all are.

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