season's musings

lately, a certain idea has been crossing my mind: the fragility of existence. I know it's nothing profound; it's just...sometimes, when I take a step back and ponder the fact that we're all here on this planet going through our experiences together...I don't know. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. I just know that everything has started feeling more delicate. life has so much beauty...and, of course, so much pain. it's as if I've come to view everyone and everything as pieces that make up a set of fine china. that sounds sort of lame, but I don't know how else to describe what I'm feeling...except for maybe this quote from "Desiderata."

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story...be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars."

I hadn't started feeling any sort of holiday spirit until today. though it's only slowly creeping on me, I hope it continues to do so in spite of certain changes to my family's situation...because it can be such a special--even magical--time. during this season especially may we remember the most important gift & treasure of this life: love.

reflection

the mind gets going,
and comparisons
arise.

judgment
of oneself,

and feelings
of inferiority;

tears
of hopelessness,

and a sense
of misdirection;

the mind takes control,
and all peace
is gone.

these
are the moments

to pause

and reconnect.

the other side

last night I dreamt I was being dragged from an unpleasant circle of screaming people into depths of complete darkness. there was no light: just a winding black staircase leading nowhere. and I was trapped. as hard as I tried, I couldn't escape. I felt panic...extreme fear. eventually, I woke up. and though it took quite awhile, I finally fell back asleep.

once again, I dreamt that I was in the same black room. but this time, the long spiral staircase didn't ascend into never-ending darkness; it led to a small, rectangular opening that seemed to be floating in mid-air. I somehow managed to climb through this portal and found myself in a glowing, white hallway. there were rooms on both sides and many more down the hall...each decorated in their own unique ways. there was a sense of peace about the place. at the end of the hall, i found a vacant room with walls made of glass. as I peered through the large window in front of me, I looked down and saw people going about their various activities. a certain sense of fellowship in the air, they all seemed content and connected with one other. it was unlike any city I had ever seen. a few people saw me and waved, smiling as if we were life-long friends.

after some moments passed, I took a seat in the center of the room and sighed with relief: I knew I was finally safe...I'd found my true home.

our window

the raindrops
race

the raindrops
slither

the sound
is sweet

stigma

if you are supposedly here to be supportive, how do you make such ludicrous remarks? it's so strange how a single label can change the way you look at me and cause you to come up with unreasonable explanations for my personality. you live with a delusional worldview, constantly creating more and more exaggerated drama. i've come to understand that i will never be able to change that.

but just because i went through certain experiences, does not make me a different person, nor does it explain my past or why i behave the way i do. i have always been--and still am--me.

as long as i stay centered in that truth, nothing you or anyone else may think or say will affect who i am.

on the road

I know I'm supposed to be here...but right now, I can't help wishing I weren't. I know I shouldn't let certain things get to me...but sometimes, they really do. I'm constantly told I'm still "recovering" and things will get better...but times like these make it hard to remain positive. I know I'm still "me." At this moment, though, I don't exactly feel like myself.

However...deep down, I understand:

This, too, shall pass.

...I just wish it wouldn't take so long.

gratitude

The paper on the edge of my tea bag reads, "Gratitude is the open door to abundance." The second I read this, I had to pause. The words really struck me for some reason. And now, as I sit here sipping my tea, I find that I'm still thinking about them.

Gratitude. I recall that before certain events this year took place, I was embracing this word more than I ever had. I remember waking up everyday, feeling so grateful that I was back at home, doing what I wanted to do with the people I love. I knew that I shouldn't fear the future because everything that needed to happen would reveal itself in time. I remember this one journal that I used specifically for making lists of everything for which I was thankful. Any time I thought of something, I'd make sure to write it down. I carried that journal with me everywhere I went as a reminder of life's blessings: both the big and the small.

Gratitude. I now realize I paused when I read that sentence because after all that has happened lately, I have completely forgotten about my former perspective. It's so easy to focus on what's wrong. It's so easy to wish things had happened differently, to get caught up in the past or the future and thereby, forget about the present. I can honestly say I don't think I've consciously been thankful for months. It's strange, really...how quickly a perspective can change. Our thoughts really do dictate the way we live our lives, though it is very easy (and human) to let them control us. It's so easy to believe we have no control over emotions, but if we make a conscious effort to become a watcher of the mind (instead of succumbing to it), everything can change.

Gratitude. Back when I fully embraced this concept, every single moment felt precious & daily life became almost magical. Now, I definitely can't say things are the same. But tonight, that small tea bag reminded me that my current state of mind needn't consume me forever. I need to be grateful for all the wonderful people and blessings I have in my life. I need to remind myself to stop, take a look around, and be thankful...for there is, indeed, so much for which to be grateful.

in spite of a bond

it's been several weeks now since you stopped reaching out to me. i know you have a new person in your life. and i'd be lying if i said that I was beaming with happiness for you, when part of me feels replaced. i understood from the start that you were moving forward, but the way it was kept a secret for so long just didn't seem right.

things are so different now.

i thought you'd always be the one closest to me...maybe that's why this all feels so strange. it's sort of like our past, which meant so much to me, has been tossed aside. was our relationship really as important to you as you said it was? if so, how does it feel to have me missing from your life?

over these past weeks, i assumed i was just being melodramatic, so i sort of brushed my feelings aside. however, today, those feelings were brought back into the light. when he told me what he thought was going to happen, i didn't believe it. i couldn't. the idea seemed so unlike you and the person i thought you were. today, though, i'm starting to understand. he was right.

while i'm not letting your behavior hurt me, i would have expected much better from you. there's no good reason for your actions. you have so much already and in the future, you will have even more. so, tell me. why this? is it because of your resentments? if so, why can't you let them go? do you have any sympathy for his situation?

what happened to putting into practice what i thought you believed? remember what we once read...how everything comes down to one of two emotions: fear or love? it seems to me that you are coming from a place of fear.

where's the compassion? do you not see the sadness of what's happening here? deep down, your soul knows what's right. i just wish you would acknowledge the truth and choose love over fear...because peace is what we all need.

lately

i've been trying, each day, to continue living in the present. but i sometimes can't help feeling down about the fact that i am in such a different place than most of my peers. those are the times i try to remind myself that there's no rush & all will eventually work out for the best.

i've also been trying to look past the current impact on my physical appearance and take solace in the fact that in the future, i'll be able to "heal" the way i'd like...in a holistic way. the sideffects of this so-called "medicine" go to show how unnatural it all really is. there are other ways out there. it's just that the majority have chosen not to pursue them further.

sometimes, i think that my "purpose" may have something to do with taking my experience and not only helping others with their situations, but working to change the current paradigm. but for now, all i can do is focus on today...one step at a time.

night's glow

It's 1:48 am...

And I'm still wide awake, probably due to the coffee I had around 7pm as I sat by the warm fireplace with my father.

I'm not sure what led me to start a post, but here I am.

I just finished making a two-page list in my journal of random thoughts in bullet-point form. It felt good to get them all out & onto the paper. It's been so long since I've done so regularly.

I guess I'm sorta doing the same thing again here, which is interesting because I don't normally use blogspot for occasions such as this.

I'm currently lying in bed with my laptop. All the lights are off, except for the glow of the keyboard and screen.

It's been quite a while since I've been up this late.

I forgot how nice it feels to be the only one awake, to feel at one with the night.

This moment is comforting...

And the silence envelops me with its precious stillness of Being.

thoughts

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here. I mean, I know there's a reason (otherwise I wouldn't be here). It's just...tonight really made me realize that the way the majority of people treat themselves and each other baffles me beyond belief. And I don't just mean things that are clearly 'wrong,' like violence for example. I'm talking about the little stuff too...judgment, gossip, jealousy, resentment, bitterness, anger, etc. Everything feels so foreign, and I can't relate. I don't see things in black or white. I don't know how to analyze anymore. I empathize deeply, but no longer "feel it all." Everything just...is. And though I am working on going back to living in the now like I was before that tumultuous disruption last March, I can't help but question whether these characteristics of mine will prevent me from getting through the "practical," necessary aspects of day-to-day living. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I just know that while I still see things from all sides, I am detached more than ever.

George Harrison summed it up best: "Sometimes I feel like I'm actually on the wrong planet. It's great when I'm in my garden, but the minute I go out the gate I think, 'What the hell am I doing here?'"

sideffects

after months of looking past them, today they've started to weigh me down more than ever. i'm not one to care about appearances, but i do want to feel healthy. i've been trying so hard, but it seems like all the effort has been futile. i can't help but cry. i know this isn't everything nor is it set in stone, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm losing my own body. these cannot be the only options. there has to be some other way, and i'm going to get there.

a knowing

I know that what happened was real.

I know there was a purpose to all of it.

I know this is just the beginning.

There is so much left to learn;

there is so much more to give.

I'm a wanderer (I can feel it in my soul), but I'm here to serve.

pieces

Faith grows gradually...like a dimmer switch. Though we may not see how a problem or certain difficulties will be solved at the time, I've learned that we mustn't lose trust in the higher power within ourselves. It's okay to have doubts and misgivings, but we must persevere through them.
It is, in fact, our trials that make our faith stronger.

"just be"

It's been a while. A long, difficult while. But today--for the first time in almost half a year--things have become so very clear. Through introspection, I've received a great gift: certain realizations have lifted my spirit and have led me to look at past actions in a healthy light. I've come to remember who I really am...why I am here. A sense of purpose cradles me, and I am no longer tormented by my situation.

And the best part of all this? As we made our way home--speeding along the freeway--I couldn't help but admire the trees, the birds, and the setting sun against a golden sky.

"The soul is the seer of all activity of the mind-body complex, and therein ultimately lies the seeds for freedom... We are [in our deepest self] the unseen seer of all phenomenal events. And yet the pain we experience in our more limited perspective paradoxically is to be celebrated, for it is exquisitely instructive, ultimately serving as a 'slingshot' into deeper self-knowledge. In this sense, 'experience' becomes the greatest guru of all, for embedded within it are the conditions not only for suffering but eventual liberation... mundane experience, with its fascinating array of pain and pleasure, tends ultimately toward liberation."

"To see myself and my life as they truly are is joy. After all the struggle and avoiding and denying and going the other way, it is deeply satisfying for a second to be there with life as it is. The satisfaction is the very core of ourselves. Who we are is beyond words - just that open power of life, manifesting constantly in all sorts of interesting things, even in our own misery and struggles. The hassle is both horrendous and wholesome."

saved

"Don't die with your music still inside of you."

I came across those words a couple days ago, but it wasn't until today that they really clicked. Now I'm starting to fully grasp what I need to learn most of all. All this time, I've fought against what I have wanted for so long: to just be.

this too shall pass

When I replay the events from that weekend & Monday March 14th in my head, I can pinpoint the moments where it would have been so easy to make a different choice. Who knows where I'd be now? Perhaps I'd be studying for those classes I enjoyed so much. Or maybe walking home from the bus stop, enjoying the cool breeze...

I am not doing any of those things. In fact, I am nowhere close to doing so. Instead, I'm ruminating over what were some of the darkest, most confusing times of my life. For the past two months, I saw symbolism in everything. The beautiful interconnectedness of all things that I had come to know and love grew unhealthy and overpowering. And though I would never commit suicide (and I asserted this fact constantly), the idea that that death would befall me was a constant. In fact, I was intermittently waiting for death throughout most of those two months. Various scenarios played out in my mind: in the ER somehow, due to the meds, in my sleep, in a car crash...

I didn't know how it'd happen, but I was certain that it would. And later, once I realized that wasn't going to happen, reality started to shift even more, and I began to think I'd already "died." Yet, even with my stacks of journals, I couldn't figure out when it'd happened. I felt like I was "living" in such a way now that I was actually "dying" every moment. I won't go into more detail, but one of my final fantasies was that I'd get to escape to the east coast and live a simple life in nature, hiding out until change occurred back at home and in our society/culture as a whole.

Today, I can see how far off all this is from what's indeed "real." I feel foolish, especially that certain past obsessions came back with full force while I was in the hospital. How did I let that happen? Why did I feel that I was so "special?" How did I dig so deep into the "dream" that I could no longer play my assigned role?

I must remind myself to be grateful that I am safe, thankful that I have such devoted loved ones. As difficult as it is right now, somehow it'll all work out. Somehow, I'll move away from the past and ultimately come to terms with this unexpected twist on my life path.

grounded

It's strange. The day after I write of still not knowing how to distinguish what's "real," things start becoming clearer. I am unbelievably grateful for everyone I have supporting me; in spite of all that has happened, there is always so much for which to be thankful. And after fighting these demons for almost two months, I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to eradicate them for good as I move forward...back into the swing of life.

"Say you're with me;

there's gold ahead,

there's golden dreams

and life's hills & valleys:

yeah, will you hold on with me?"

crash

She tells me that I'm not losing my mind because if I were, I wouldn't be aware of the fact. However, things have become so...I don't even know anymore. Everything has shifted, and the dividing line between what's real and what isn't has grown incredibly dim. It's times like these when I start to understand how certain people and things truly can (and do) take a permanent seat in your soul.

crinian wood: I miss(ed) You

"maybe then we already are Home..."

we are,

and we have been

Home

all along

where the sidewalk ends

I am going Home.

I am Home.

He is Home.

She is Home.

You are Home.

We are Home.

listen to your Soul's cry

a cry: "do they know how much I love them now?"

a reply: "yes, sweetie. now you need to start taking care of your Self."

The Resolution (inspired by A.M. and 23)

You promised
and I later "spoke"
of how you broke them

all.

But tonight,
I'm "dizzy"

no more.

I've found
a Light in the dark:

Just come

home

we already were,
we already are

pasts
futures
presents

...here.

the "beautiful letdown"

someday,

it shall be read

by more

someday,

they shall be read

by more

someday,

more shall know

really know

and that day,

is also Now

rewind

a cry: "do they know how much I love them?"

a reply: "not yet."

later: "shhh, people are sleeping. you'll wake everyone up."

home/union

a great haze has been lifted from my vision,

and I understand: for now, no more orbiting.

I am grounded with this beautiful earth, our home.

"and I fall in love with the ones that run me through

when all along, all I need is you.

sing it out, sing out loud."

dejavu

stabbing a practically-inkless pen deep into the veins of a blue-bound journal. trapped in an empty room. just my books, my mind, and a desk with a view of an all-too-familiar reflection. "manic," they called it. an "episode." but I remember every step, every moan, every realization: in the hospital--especially that first night--I came to understand: my whole life had been leading the way to those moments. but here--in this now--all I can do is wait... with love always.

walk the line

I have no doubt that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. And the wonderful paradox is that there IS no "set route." Everything just is & forever will be. Yet, in spite of that fact, there is still an ever-present plan: you can only get from point A to point B by moving across the line. How we go about doing so? Now that's another matter and I, at this point, don't have the answer. In due time, though, we shall see... <3

WESTWOOD: "You see the Angels"

"And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy.
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby,
A lullaby."

two weeks ago...it all started on March 14th.

I woke up with a plan and a knowing. And in spite of any apparent panic, I was blissfully content. The past four months had been--by far--the most pivotal of my life, bringing levels of awareness & joy I'd never thought possible. And on a Monday afternoon, I talked with a familiar stranger on the #3 Bus & walked around 3d St., conversing with strangers about Lake Shrine, the Cosmic Dream, and Life itself.

Was I "hallucinating?" No. My life had turned into a scene straight out of the film Waking Life. But I scared my loved ones. And my words were too much: the energy & zeal.

It was all too much. So much that the next morning, my parents led me to the hospital.

9 hours of talking and singing my way through a waiting room & the ER led to a night of complete & utter, horrific realization in the ICU: "this all really IS a dream."

Four days blurred into nothing, except for some throw-up, a Gandhi bowl from Native Foods, excerpts of the Bible & Autobiography of a Yogi read aloud, scribbled notes in the margins of my books, and a scream: "You can throw me on the electric chair. I'M NOT TAKING ANY MEDS."

Well, I finally gave in. And that's when things became less hazy since the subsequent 'arrival.' I started to become aware of the Love...the Beloved shining in the faces of those around me. Music saved me (even though it had to be locked up every night)...along with my journals, some favorite books, and an erratic yoga practice.

Today? I'm 'home.' So, tell me. Why am I missing that deck? Why do I miss the cage?

I know why. It's the people I met, the interconnectedness & euphoric magic that was taking place there amidst the "mania," the "depression," ...the sadness. Sure, that "place was a prison." But those people WERE and ARE my friends. I've come to realize that I'd been Home all along. And the meds? Sure, I'll take them so I can be "free." But just know that they're not me.

That hospital bed, that room with a partial view of the Sky and Sun brought me closer to Home than anywhere I'd since been. I'll keep this lined blue+white hospital band on my wrist a bit longer. It shall serve as a reminder of what I've learned and a place that was safe.

Two weeks ago from today, I was happy. I was blissfully content & still am...even though this "dis-order" seems to have taken so much from me: the classes I loved, a routine I'd created, a start toward stability...

The question remains: what is the meaning of all this? I know that, in time, the benefits will become more apparent. But for now, I'll just keep surrendering to the present moment & go where the flow leads me because that's all I can do. I'll continue to just Be & keep in mind my precious friends (the hidden angels in patients and nurses) from the ward.

Until then, I'll wait for the day when all of us remember that we can fly here in this City of Angels.

"And out here
I watch the sun circle the earth
The marrows collide in rebirth
In God's glory praise
The spirit calls out from the caves.
The walls fell and there I lay
Saved...

I fought a war to walk a gang plank
Into a life I left behind
Windows leading to the past
Think it's time I broke some glass
Get this history off my mind

And what if we were married forever?
Like the past never happened
And time did not exist for us at all
I still think we'd still be traveling together
Through all kinds of weather
Everything's a piece of everyone

As far as I can see

Walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
But I see these doors have keys

Walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me
There's no one here but me
No one here but me, yeah.
There's no one here but me
No one here but me."

"Here Comes the Sun" through the Sound of Music

I had "been searching all of my days" since these eyes were opened by a certain twist of fate...or destiny, I guess you could call it. I meant what I'd said: my eyes were "brand new" and all "the world was dancing."

But in spite of it all, something was missing. I was trapped,"And the days kept turning into night..." I had thought I could fly on my own, but now I know that all along, I'd just been "learning to fly."

And all the pain, suffering, heartbreak, sickness, loneliness, and disconnect: they have disappeared completely (they are merely a distant melody of reminiscence) and the static has completely turned off.

All along, as I was seeing, I "never knew" I'd forgotten the most important part of Life: LISTENING. So, I say: "Thank you for the music, for giving it to me." Thank you for "hearing my Song." Thank you for riding along this world of a"Subway" train with me.

Now I understand the truth and meaning behind the old-phrase, "All You Need is Love." "We're half-awake in a fake empire and let's try not to figure out everything at once." After all, "What does the brain matter, compared with the Heart?" "...cause now, we're HERE. And that's just a thing that takes 'time.'"

Noah and the Whale, whose concert I am going to miss tonight, sings "It's the first day of Spring, and my life is starting over again. Well, the trees grow, the river flows, and its water will wash away my sin. For I do believe that everyone has once chance to fuck up their lives. Like a cut down tree, I will rise again; I'll be bigger, and stronger than ever before...there's a HOPE in every new seed & every flower that grows on the earth."

.

"...as I stood there smiling & absorbing the euphoria, it suddenly dawned on me: "This is a dream. I am dreaming." Without a single thought, I instantly knew what to do. SPREAD ARMS OUT. ROTATE FEET. LIFT UP. DOWN. REPEAT. Suddenly, I was flying. Over the sea and into the open sky. "This is a dream, but I'm not dreaming. This is real." (March 11, 2010)

"Dreams feel real. As we dream, we often think we have no control and react as though the events that happen to us are out of our hands. But then, when we awake, we realize that this is not so, that we were really in control of everything. Who’s to say the same goes for life, but we just don’t know it yet? Everything that 'happens' to us results from our own choices and reactions. Like in dreams, we have the latent power to not let our minds get the best of us. Underneath it all, we choose the way we want to feel. It’s time to WAKE UP. Life has the capacity to be nothing but a lucid dream...we just don’t know it yet." (June 15, 2010)

Today is March 11, 2011.

Much has happened since I wrote the above two entries. All the pain, all the heartbreak, the unceasing loneliness has led me to Now: a constant flow, a constant surrender to the present moment. I am in awe of the unending signs & synchronicity I have received recently and throughout my life.

But when it comes down to it, there really are no words to express this gratitude.

just Love.

simple

This tree above, it is singing to me

and knows.

This tree above, it is embracing me

with Love.

here

there are moments when

I close my eyes
and feel the past

still moving.

everyone I've ever been,

everything I've ever known

all happening--

rushing together at once

in this eternal Infinite,

this Divine now.

"...of love?" but, what about this love?

after she left, having finished describing her day with you, I sat in silence. as I sat there at the kitchen island, staring aimlessly at the lights in the distance, it hit me: there is still a small part of me that wishes things were different.

there is still a part of me that wishes you cared enough to address that message in which I poured out my honest feelings. there is still a part of me that wishes you would be willing to sit down and discuss everything in a loving, open-minded manner.

a part of me still wishes you would take a step back and truly analyze yourself...not just according to various regimens established by others that merely cause you to think you are doing so. a part of me wishes you that you told me you missed me...instead of going around and gossiping with others about the issue whenever you find it convenient.

a part of me wishes you exerted the same amount of effort and enthusiasm into communicating with me as you do in promoting this new endeavor of yours. a part of me wishes you wanted a relationship with your daughter as much as I'd like to have a relationship with my mother.

but those wishes clearly do not make the whole: all other parts of me know I have done everything I could. though I easily might have chosen to turn away completely, I've reached out to you. I've not once retaliated back at your attempts to create drama, instead choosing peace & acceptance of where you are, acceptance of what is.

and in spite of the moments of sadness that may fall upon me every so often, that is what I will keep on doing: living in peace and acceptance.

the passenger seat (call me crazy)

Creeping along the freeway. Major traffic. Pouring rain. Windshield wipers waving. Taillights glowing. Practically at a standstill here on the 405, I'm surprisingly not the least bit frustrated. I only feel united with my fellow human beings as we look ahead of us & gradually make our way through the storm.

"always"

stoppin' to smell the roses;

making prayers out of dandelions

the wind whistles through my hair

higher self // the answer lies within

you alone

have sent me here

you alone

know my purpose

you alone

know the path

oh great Wisdom,

guide me through this life

"if you want it, say it loud"

from this moment on, I intend to keep flowing through the present, following where & how my intuition leads me. no more overthinking:

just listening to the whispers of my soul & being here

...now.

an uncommon, saturday-evening-sight

as the sun sets over a sparkling, crystal-clear ocean & sinks into distant, violet clouds, the birds make their way home. I have never seen so many at one time...hundreds & hundreds of birds. and they keep flying...farther & farther from view until what have now become tiny specks seem to disappear altogether.

from the "left" portion of the sky, more and more birds appear & continue flying in the same direction. I start to find that this pattern is repeating itself as endless amounts of birds keep on appearing...a never-ending cycle.

though each bird may be unique & individual in comparison to all the others, together they make ONE FLOCK. and though all fly at their own paces & in their own ways (some more gracefully than others), every single bird is journeying toward the same destination; in time, each one of them will ultimately disappear into that brilliant, setting sun.

what i've learned

If you want something, don't say "I want." Say, "I'll have."
If you want to be happy, don't say "I wish." Say, "I'll be."

If you want to change, stop talking about it.

Make a decision and do it.

But first, make sure it's what you--not society or the opinion of others--truly want & know is best for you.

Truth

more and more, things are starting to make sense. and i'm realizing the ways in which I too was in the "wrong." for that, i am sorry.

thank you for opening my heart. if it weren't for all that happened, i still wouldn't know what real love is.

chances are

I cry,
for their pain

and that of
the world

(a formerly persistent happening)

but this time,
it's a bittersweet sorrow
with a knowing underneath

after a day of silence

"Hello." "Hi! You've got the best spot, huh?" a smiling, older man says to me while I sit on my favorite bench. As he walks on by, tears well in my eyes; I feel cradled by the love of this Universe. Watching him stop farther down the path to admire the setting sun from another angle, I think to myself, "You're right, kind sir. Except, we've all got the best spot. It's just a matter of getting reacquainted with it...a matter of self-realization."

HOME

Everything satisfied for the moment but would ultimately fade; nothing left a consistent sense of happiness. In spite of my newfound awareness and love of life, I was essentially a conglomeration of varying moods, driven by extreme sensitivity and depth of feeling: up and down; down and up; again and again and again (...and again). The "zest" was never enough: that all-too-familiar loneliness sunk deep.

Last February, I wrote how part of me still longed for something more: "It's only been a year, but I'm thirsting again. For what? I'm not exactly sure. I just know that I am. There is so much now, and for that I am incredibly grateful. But tonight I realized that in spite of it all, something's missing." It was an intangible, all-too-apparent desire.

So here we are, two years since the awakening. And now, I know. Now, I understand. Nothing fades anymore--for You are constant happiness, constant joy. And I am not my moods (heck, I'm not even "I"). That awareness, that rich, beautiful, awe-inspiring awareness was just a taste: a "precursor," if you will. I now know why I was so stuck, so trapped.

It is You I was lonely for.

"we are the words"

A smiling couple entered the store this afternoon to purchase two sandwiches. "Mike's Way?" I asked enthusiastically. "Brittany, they can't hear you." It was then that I realized my mistake: this couple was deaf. However, they did not seem at all bothered by my initial misunderstanding & proceeded to smile as they pointed out their toppings of choice and even spoke a couple words here and there.

For some reason, this was a really poignant moment for me. I was amazed by the beauty of their conversation--their swiftly moving hands & the way they mouthed words to one another. I was amazed that they still spoke a bit to me even though they lacked the ability to "hear" in the normal sense of the word.

As I stood there, it dawned on me how, until this moment, I seem to have taken one of the greatest gifts of life for granted: my voice. I can speak. I can shout. I can whisper. I can laugh. And people will hear me. What an incredible gift...the fact that our own thoughts and emotions can be made clearly known by speaking words to those around us.

But as I stood there & continued to think about all this, I realized that this couple is also blessed with the same gift. They too can speak. They can shout. They can whisper. They can laugh.

On the surface, the means of communication may seem different: talking versus silence. But don't we all look into each others' eyes when we talk to one other? Don't we all use facial expressions to express what we're feeling? Laughter, tears, a smile--all say more than a thousand words ever will. And it is amidst the silence that we come to remember who we really are.

a vessel

What used to be difficult is now almost effortless as the light that resides here pours out every day, everywhere.

an elusive illusion

sitting in silence,
I focus solely on my breathing

a breath in,
a breath out

in
and out

in
and out....

so absorbed in this mindfulness,
the experience feels no longer than several moments

but upon opening my eyes,
I discover that about twenty minutes have passed

...isn't "time" just a curious, fickle thing?

physical, astral, causal -- ONE

How many lives had I lived not knowing your Love? How many times did you call out to me, but I refused to listen? Never again. I won't lose sight. I am no longer blind: you are ever-present within me, within them, within that...in everything. From this day forward, my life will remain lucid.

because it's open: enhanced

the city lights
in the distance

always glowed,
but now they flicker

it's okay; shift

Somehow, the right words always seem to find us when we need them most.

"Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."

And soon after, I remember to drop the words and take the time to fall into the beauty of everything & nothing.

1:43 PM: a start

sunlight beats down on my face; the music pounds in my ears & flows through me. walking down this busy but familiar street, I embrace the warmth and my surroundings, all that is around & above. tears start to well in my eyes as that deep sense of peace and joy washes over me, filling my heart and soul.

rejoice, for it's a new year! and I know that we are in for great change. I can feel it.