a lesson

got caught up
in the night,
the joy
and the laughter.

assuaged by their
exclamations,
lost touch with
reason
and myself.

just for a
bit, 'twas a
temporary wave.

crash outlet

The yelling gets louder, on both sides.
so I turn up the volume until I'm drowning in the noise.

I can feel their tension: my stomach knots, my heart races.
I need to get out, walk far away.

But instead I sit here, drowning in the noise.

simple

I can still see
your smile,

a light that won't
turn off--

ingrained.

monkey bars

Helping this little girl learn how to swing across the monkey bars brings back memories of the past. Every day at my preschool playground, I'd try to make it across those silver rungs. Just as she needs me to help her, I needed support from my teacher, my father, or whomever else was available at that moment. They would stand beneath me and hold onto my legs, assisting me with each swing forward.

Though it felt impossible, I grew a little stronger each day & after lots of practice, I eventually could cross those monkey bars all by myself.

I no longer needed anyone to hold me, but for the longest time, I still insisted on having someone stand there. I could now make the trek on my own, but I needed that comfort of knowing someone was there to give me the courage to keep on. Just in case I fell, they'd be there to catch me...

But in spite of all this, what I've always remembered most vividly about those monkey bars is the way the cold metal would sting my hands.

rinse

to want (and to
not)
contradict'ry, may be

but the mind likes to
feign
control (over me)

inner conflict
continues
suppressing what's real

cause the mind needn't
know
what the heart really feels.

a call

connect

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again

on hold

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again

static

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again

a dead line

You don't know how to hang up, do you?

don't forget to breathe

Distractions. I usually manage to suppress those thoughts. The feelings that consume so much of me that even I am getting tired of listening to myself moan about them. But no matter how many distractions I put into practice, no matter how I may feel during the day, what's really there is still hiding.

Sometimes at night, it comes out. Escapes its position deep inside of me. Not as dramatically, but just as strong. It keeps growing. And I wish there was something I could do to make it easier.

But the only way I ever knew how is temporarily out-of-reach. I know I need to focus my energies on other things and finding myself more. But I still miss that...indescribable connection. The warmth of someone's touch, even though it never existed.

cruel, not unnatural

You don't feign the depth,
but you are incapable
of touching

the bottom

and coming back up

for air.

You know you never have,
and worry you never will.

I never did nor do I
doubt

but watch me disappear
or at least, watch me

try.

release

opened up, awake again

those Christmas decorations
are nothing in comparison to the bright lights of the city

reemerge

I recall the smell of sliced turkey,
leftover droplets of cold beer at the bottom of a glass bottle,
and greasy, ridged potato chips: Ruffles, your favorite.

My small hands clutch a half-eaten peanut butter & jelly sandwich and a frosted Capri-Sun.

We make a good team,
sitting there in our backyard garage
as I watch you throw darts next to the mask with pointed horns.

one of those evenings

As the penetrating wind roars
and the glowing sky paints its masterpiece,
I am reminded of what it means to be alive.

from the inside out

validation.

we all seek it. we all want to feel important. we all want to feel understood. we all are selfish. not just me, not just you...all of us.

so carry on, carrion. I won't get in your way.

rewind

“I wish you could sleep over. That way we could catch frogs all night.”

My 6-year-old sister said this to her little boyfriend a few minutes ago, and it got me thinking. Remember those evenings when you used to catch frogs in your backyard? Those times when you’d run outside and play tag with your dear friends? The way you’d laugh as you admired the sunset? The way you welcomed the cold air that so often turned your nose and cheeks red? I know you remember. So, tell me. Why did you stop? Growing up doesn’t mean you have to lose your childlike sense of wonder.

the liquor store

get a chocolate milk,
a piece of hershey's cookies and cream

get a paper bag,
a frost-covered refrigerator

remember this

Just think. There is someone amazing out there for you. No, scratch that. Someone is out there that is not simply amazing, but wonderful, marvelous, astonishing, and most importantly, right for YOU. Yes, you. Someone out there loves the same things you do, has your same passions, sees all that you see. Someone out there shares your vivacity, your zest for the universe. Not only that, but in addition to experiencing this bond of similarities, you’ll learn from each other. Fantastic things. You will learn so much. And love so much. This person is out there, I promise. And I know that sometimes the loneliness can consume you, overwhelm you to the point where you really do hit rock bottom. But just know that there are people like you out there. Some of them will walk in and out of your life; others will remain in it for the long haul. And as hard as it might get, sometimes just knowing they’re out there is enough to carry us through the days of this gift we call life.

beauty adorned

lying on my back, I stare at the ceiling.

I lie here in darkness I've come to know so well,
the darkness of those early morning hours when everyone else is sleeping.

lying on my back, I welcome lonely tears,
the tears I've come to know so well.

I am aware of their every movement: roll down my cheeks, trickle past my ears, and fall onto my neck.

drip by drip, over and over again.

I lie here in darkness, the lonely darkness I've come to know so well.

my precious night.

between the lines

I once promised myself I'd stay open-minded, but not invested...

I failed to do so.

I had received plenty of warning...I should have been able to prevent it...

I didn't.

I can analyze past conversations and decisions as much as I want, but that will do nothing to change the present. And since I'm not the type of person to push blame on someone else, I won't. Because it really was my own doing. Sure, a person's actions or lack thereof might come into play. But technically, that person has done nothing wrong. There's no one to blame but myself for the way I feel. And the good news is I don't hurt anymore. Or at least, not like I did. I just hope that over time my head will become free from these invasive thoughts, and I'll learn not to care so much.

something more

yes, I am still
here.

I'll probably remain for a long while
here.

where I reside, how I feel is
here.

but who knows
when that may change?

someday I will no longer be
here.

I'll be there, and it will be magic.

monotony

sometimes the actual dates in a month will completely blend together. so much that actually taking a conscious look at a calendar for the first time in weeks brings about a massive wake-up call. especially when in just two days, the month will have reached its halfway mark.

keep it going

you made a mistake,
but didn't realize it till later

you made horrible mistakes,
but wouldn't realize them till later

you're making a mistake that might hurt someone else,
but you won't realize it till later.

simple

A melody, a tune
created in my mind;
I never thought I'd find
this kind of art so soon

To me, a song had come
so clearly and so true;
Tho forgotten after done,
it came to me: a tune

I don't need, and you don't need,
but I will if you do;
I don't need and you don't need;
I'm strong, no longer blue

readjustment

all this "seeing" was actually starting to blind me.

thank you for opening my eyes again, this time reminding me of some important truths. the uniqueness of every single individual, every soul. no one is better for having a certain perspective. we're all here to learn. to grow. excuse the cliche, but we really are all in this together...everyone is going through this learning process in his or her own way. that doesn't make it wrong; it makes it right.

"we're one, but we're not the same. we get to carry each other, carry each other."

recurrences

Lately,

I tend to mope and

cope,

but keep my

hope.

devotion and imagination

they're spilling out. my views and perspective.

right now. you are hearing words so unequivocally me I could have written them myself.

these...this...is me. this is me all the time. except it's a fake, spurious imitation.

I cannot stand to listen to this, especially trapped in here when I know what's outside.

Everything I think, everything I feel, everything I see--all of it is being thrown on you this very second.

But you have no idea.

And you will only grab onto a tiny piece or two.

As hard as this was for me, I genuinely hope that someday these small pieces will flourish into full, genuine capacity for you.

afterglow

nothing is said, yet words are right under the surface. thoughts...you think. you...feel them there in your mind. and though nothing is said, you still know they are there. palpable. skimming the surface. things you want to say, but don't have to. words? feelings. nothing spoken aloud...but they're there. pulsating. beating. they are there.

I know what it is. In these precious moments, I am no longer alone in my head, my thoughts. It's as if for the first time, the words actually reach the person to whom I tell them. Finally transmitted. Who knows if this is really so? But it seems I am no longer simply spitting out words to those who either don't care or can barely grasp them. No. I am understood. And you know what else? Even when there's no discussion whatsoever I feel like I'm out of my head. Speaking a million words to all the others would prove futile, hopeless. But this...everything is different.

Because just being--just absorbing--is enough.

"on peak hill"

I like how the unanswered questions can stay just so.
No need to search, to define, to explain.

Just take a breath and accept it for what it is:
unchangeable, perfectly okay, and beautiful.

'what kind of blue are you?'

clouds.

I'm starting to see that this isn't a newfound fascination. I've always been drawn to them. Since the good 'ol age of 8, when I requested for the walls of my room to be covered with their beauty. my own, cloud-filled sky. my cloud-filled haven. this was a dream I had always had...I have no recollection of when it began.

clouds.

what is it about them? I may never know...but they've always been here...and here, they shall remain.

little pieces

fall is in the air.

can you feel it? that fresh, crisp aura.

can you see me swing? the energy inside takes over...and I swear I am just inches away from breaking out and flying.

reminders

She can fake a smile. She can lead a group. She can laugh when she wants to cry. She can get her work done on time in spite of her ridiculous, dilatory tendencies. She can run on practically no sleep. She can mediate between polar opposites. She can get through the most hectic of days.

But what is this girl supposed to do
when every song reminds her of...

__________________________________________________

She's not the only one.

tired

sometimes, I miss being lost. you were right. the clarity does get to be too much. not only that, but being so sure of who I am can make me weary. sometimes, I want the darkness to return, to make it easier to accept the monotony. sometimes, I want to go back to sleep.

but only sometimes.

pull

speed
to move

motion
to get away

to feel the wind; to see everything

to take it all in and never look back

honey

sick. you make me sick. your charade is too much. the drama, the madness that you cried against so pitifully...apparently, you need it to survive. you love to put on the smiles. the sick, sanguine smiles of affection. and the mania underneath? you love that too. you love it so much that you will never address your previous lull in delusion. the admittance of your pretense, the brief period when you finally awoke and realized how desperately you need to snap out of all this--fast. no, you will not dare do so. you will continue to act out your favorite scenes--the ones of sick happiness, sick love. And I'll play along, sure...

but don't think I don't know what's underneath.

unnatural

Here in this hour,
the air tells its lies

and spins a web of
false night.

open, but closed

I'm in a room. A room with its door locked from both sides. Everyone else is downstairs...they can't seem to get in--though it's not like they have even thought to try--and I am incapable of opening it for them. I sit here on the top floor, looking out--it's the only room with such wide, clear windows.


I sit here often.

No one else ever climbs up the stairs....so they cannot see what I do. It gets lonely sometimes, being the only one with this view...Someone else, please. Walk up those stairs, unbolt the door, and join me. Up here, we will look out through the open glass together.

jumps of fuss

hypocrisy to see
in me?

oh, twiddly dee
dum
dee
dum dum

fingers

crossed

head

spinning

mind

beginning

to lose it?

no, no

twiddly dee
dum
dee
dum dum

tap those
thumbs

and cross those
fingers

it's okay to sometimes
lose it

you may see
hypocrisy in me

but i needed to...be.

affliction

Here--in this
unfamiliar place,

I am alone.

My heart beats
out of my
chest...

My temple throbs
as my forehead pounds a
hammer...

And it won't stop.

I never could stand
ticking
handsofclocks

Nor the
piercing
soundsofsilence.

that in me

As of now
it may be hard to
grasp

But it's
there,
right at your
fingertips.

reason in madness

chirp chirp
chirp

blah blah
blah

hear their
noises

sweeping generalizations, what's on the surface--
assumptions

these are what they know

blah
blah blah

chirp
chirp chirp

doesn't change a thing.

'Your vinyl on laminate'

Recollections on rewind
Repeating, flashes of words and scenes

wish to press pause; it could clear your mind for a bit,

a break from the draining thoughts

calm

clarity

or, better yet?

what if you could have all this while still on play;

there'd be no need for that small, parallel-lined button

just push play.

If only...if only.

don't forget

How curious to discover that images and sounds you haven't seen for over a decade are still so familiar.

Seeing them...recognizing them--with those dear to you--can bring such happiness, such comfort.

And laughter.

Laughter so extreme that soon enough, your stomach hurts and your head starts to throb--It's the best.

A freeing kind of pain.

It's the insane hysteria you hadn't felt in a while.

You missed it.

cracked

your walls.
your strong, brick walls.

you've been building them up for many, many years.
since you were a child, you've carefully constructed them.

you don't need anyone.
you have your walls to protect you.

some might seem to come ohsoclose, but they'll never break down your fortress.

no one.

no one can get past it; you'll make sure of it.

No one will ever get in.

you thrive on your secrets.
they feed your insanity.

they are you.

Only you know them...you've meticulously collected them to keep in your thoughts, never to be released.

But do you even know the truth behind them all?

No.

Inside, you are still the young girl whose hurting and needing the real love you so deserved.

Real care. And attention, affection.

No matter how many walls you've built or how many you may continue to build,
No matter how sturdy you can make yourself appear to others...or even to yourself,

you are still that small, broken girl.

But you need to accept responsibility for your actions.

And your brick shield?
I can see right through it.
I can see past all the walls.
I can feel all the secrets without having to break down a single brick.

And today?
For the first time, I saw that girl.
For just a split second, I saw what's hiding inside:
the frightened child. face pale. weathered. sick. scared.

But I know that now, the walls are back up
and the demons shall again be released.

C'est la vie

one side: golden yellow, warm--full of light

the other: blueish gray, cold--turning dark

how can these two connected views--so close to each other--contrast so greatly?

I guess that's life.

spool

hanging on
by an invisible thread

the thread is small: short, thin, and
tattered

so small that one could even begin
to question if it's truly there

is it a figment of a notoriously wild
imagination?

or maybe just a
dream?

no.

you can still feel the fiber.

untitled rambling

Everything was building up.

around me and inside.

literally and figuratively.

I needed to get out....So, I did.

I walked away..not telling anyone where I was going...with nothing but the clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, and myself.

No cell phone.
No bag.
No bike.
No iPod.
No journal.


Without a means of contacting others--just in case.
Without something to hold onto at my side, and grip tightly for comfort.
Without the dear thing that pulls me through the streets at whatever speed I choose.
Without the music...the sounds that normally would accompany me on such journeys.
Without my outlet... no pages for me to write on, explaining what I see and capturing that moment through my words.

Nothing.

No, this was not a time for the usuals.

Nothing.

Just me. The world and me.

And I walked.

No...I didn't walk.

I...pushed forward. I was moving in such a way that you could tell I needed to get it all out.

All I could focus on was moving forward. Move. Move. Move. Keep going. Pick up your feet.

I could hear the rubber squeaking on the bottom of these old, white leather shoes.

I walked...moved faster.

Until I made it to my bench. I sat there.

My bench.

I looked out. At the view from that one day in April. The cars...the shining water..the boats...the buildings. You know.

I tried to smile to those walking by me, but sometimes it was just too much. And I'd have to hunch over..covering my hair with my face.

Then...after instead of going back...I kept going.

I walked....got it all out even more. Keep going.

I found myself at the swing set of a park. And sat down...and swang. A little blonde girl next to me--with pink and black striped socks--looked at me curiously with her big eyes, as she spun round and round on her stomach. I smiled with my lips closed, looked forward...and just swang.

My mind was blank. I was just pushing forward. But I could still feel.

A few minutes passed...or who knows--really--how long it was. I did not have a watch. I did not care about time. That was what was beautiful about all of this.

Nothing.

I went back the way I came. But this time, I wasn't pushing forward. I wasn't walking either. No, I was...cautiously stepping.

Step. Look out. Stop. Hold on to the loose, plastic green fence.

I saw every angle.

I made it back to the bench. And it was at this point that my mind started to form coherent thoughts. I finally thought about everything that was going on.

All the problems.
All the cries.
All the issues.

The constants.

But then, something happened. I started to think about each person in my life. In my mind, I heard their names. I saw their faces. I saw faces of people I hadn't spoken to in..months. People I'm not necessarily close with, but who had a mark on my life. And I thought about the difficulties in their lives. And for each person, I felt their pain. It was awful. I sobbed for all of them. For everyone.

And here I was hunched over, silent tears flowing down my face. My face in my hands.

And then, I got up and continued along the path.

Stop. Look out.

Picked up some flowers. Stuck them in my pocket. I have a large yellow one and small purple, orange, and red ones. They're still in my pocket.

I needed to go to the corner of that street.
The one you know. The one you've stood at with friends. The one where you were so close.
The one I go to when it rains. The one I go to sometimes to look at the sunset and the view.

I made my way there. And walked up and down the red curb. Over and over again. I picked up a stick. I whipped it through the air. I made music with it as I banged it against the metal of the fence. I saw the cars moving..saw them stop at the lights. I'd never noticed that. I saw the sailboats. There were 9 of them, coming in as the sun was starting to set..though it was still high in the air. Five small birds appeared at my right and sang a 3-minute song.

I kept looking out, gripping tightly to the stick.

Then I skipped home.

I still have the stick.

...has escaped us

Lately I've found that at night, the numbers on the clock like to mess with me. They keep moving, rearranging their patterns and order. 11:12, 12:34, 2:11, 4:23...It's like a neverending mix-and-match puzzle. But I know it's just a game.

Because now, time is frozen.

It has stopped completely.

a swingset and a slide

replaying that day in my mind.

over and
over

I see you. I feel the motion and the cool wind on my face as I fly into the air.

up and
down

I feel the speed as we race to keep up with you.

forward and
back

I see you sitting there next to me: it's night now.

A plane disrupts the silence as it flies overhead.

You like the noise...as do I.

'your love is gonna drown'

You think you're unaffected,
and are convinced you can stand it

But then...when you hear about it
coming from those you'd least expect,

it hurts--a lot.

You think to yourself, isn't this what you claim to not let bother you? You tell yourself and others never to worry what others may think or say, so why should this be any different?

probably because it's harder coming from
those you consider dear friends.

you truly care about them, and it hurts
when you find out they don't reciprocate your feelings,
that they must not see it or are too stuck in their bitter views.

But just remember what those two so wisely said as they held you, wiping your tears and comforting you with laughter and love that reminds you how so unbelievably lucky you are to have them.

You can't make everyone like you,
not everyone is going to understand...

and that's okay.

__________________________________

As painful as it may be, I'm not going to let it change the way I act or how and who I am toward them. I still will care. I still see the beauty in them, in everyone.

And sometimes it's really really hard.
Because I can't stop feeling this way--even if I wanted to do so--and not everyone else sees it like that.

Who knows?

Maybe--in time--they'll reevaluate their harsh opinions.
Maybe they won't.

But no matter what the case,

I'll still have the special ones. I'll still be me.

And that's really all that matters.

with one step

My eyes--they adjust
A flicker in the darkness
Here I am--floating

I look up, breathe in
The night has enveloped us
Oh, it's grand to imagine...

flow

I am drifting,
slowly drifting.

The water carries me down...
it sparkles.

Shimmering white moves along a constant cover;
gaze above, a pure blue sky with clouds all around.

Soft,
gentle clouds.

Depths of emerald trees consume my vision.
They're strong.

I feel heat as
the sun beats down on my naked shoulders.

Yes, I am drifting..
drifting along--drifting.

discussion

life is unpredictable.

life can suck.

life is never for sure.

life can be crappy.

life has fleeting moments.
life has seemingly interminable moments.
life has lasting moments.

life has good.
life has bad.

but life is.

life is..

life is life.

you can't question it, you can't say it's nothing.

because it's something.

that's all there is to it.

there's no other real way to define it.

_______________________________________

don't you love
when that feeling of calm comes over you?

in the late of the night
early morning

and the feeling tells you
it will all
be okay?

just remember to breathe.

an end; a beginning

words,
sweet words

to understand
is to taste
their sweet delight

wrap me,
cover me

with words--

dripping, oozing tenderness.

Headphones to Drown Out Your Mind

The rare occasion of my typing out my journal, rambling thoughts and all:

8:12 PM

I just rode to the library to renew my books...after--just as I did yesterday--falling asleep for 2 hours when I was supposed to tackle my massive amounts of summer reading.

On the ride back, "42" (Live Version) came on...and something about the intensity of the music, the screams from the audience, and the dreary--yet peaceful--feeling of the weather/air...along with my own...unknown emotions all made my eyes water. I'm now sitting on the top part of the bench on the center of the bluff path where I sat back on that one day in April. I'm watching the lights. the cars on Lincoln and Jefferson. A gray sky. Everywhere. Except it's covering a clear, white, slightly pinkish part on the left. This view is familiar to me. Just to my right is the other bluff trail in front of the university. I realize something..it's divided.

the bluff.

One half is right by my mom's; the other, right by my dad's. Symbolic of my own life in a very accurate, strange way.

It's all one.
Connected. Together.
But split down the middle by the opposing streets,
the quick speeds moving in two separate directions.
yet, if it weren't for this one split, it would remain one.
it is still one. just divided. so similar...yet so faraway.

I don't even know what I mean exactly or where I'm going with this.

I do know that the watering in my eyes won't go away.

The tears are there. my eyes are wet. I feel them. damp on my eyelids...brewing..but not..spilling forth.

Why won't they? I want them to.

They're stuck there.

My heart is aching...but for some reason, it's different than usual. I'm not even sure why.

It's gotten darker now. Several joggers have rushed past me. A woman with her dog. A boisterous man on his cell-phone. The sky stays completely gray, except for the horizontal sliver that has turned even pinker.

A couple walks by, holding hands.
And another.
They laugh.

I'm still here.
Silent.
Except for the music in my ears, flowing through my veins.

in my heart.

The city is lit up. This is more apparent now with the darkening sky. Someone in the house faraway to my left has just flicked off a light.

I don't want to move. or go home right now. I want to stay here. Everyone else keeps moving by; they're not stopping.

Again, I remain.

I don't know what to do.

I'll stay here a bit longer and then ride up to the corner of my street and stare through the fence.

Soak
it
all
in?

I remain.

Black Folding Chair

Sitting in the same chair
Hours Pass
Barely Moving

Looks like a waste,
staring at the glow from the black rectangle

But it is not that which one may see
on the surface

It's a means of connecting through words--
time to plan out what to say--or not at all

Carefully construct
or blurt out

Kind of like real life, except
these are the words of people's minds pouring out freely

It can be so much easier
behind this box

Easy to hide, but still
connect

Is that a bad or a good thing?

I'm going to go with
good.

collaboration

Floor like flour-
Disappearing beauty--
Flies engulf us,
while we sit (on our mound) and watch mourning, morning loss.

Cawing.

A persistent bell gongs toward the left:
"This whole thing looks fake."

Cars behind us: Whiz. Roar. Hum.

Still on our pile of dough-
Cotton puffs of cloud--
Slowly they drift,
And away we go into the blue.

chop suey

you.

I tell you I won't leave--
tho still not sure
if you believe
me.

but you.

you,

you can,
and you
must.

I will never leave you.

Those others did not see you like I do.
Understand like I do.
Make an effort like I do.
Care like I do.

I mean every word I tell you.

You
can trust
me.

sun

Feel the heat radiate
off the dirt paths
and green
shrubs.

The heat moves
by invisible
waves.

It seeps into
your skin.

Sweat.

But not the kind
that is a
nuisance.

No.

This is
tolerable, and
somehow
rewarding.

look deeper

A star
shines brightly,
bringing its light
to the world.

But you, star, often feel lonely
and others try to turn off your shine.

misunderstood.

Yet, you persevere
and remain
strong.

now?

It is true
that your light
will never--can never
fade.

The glow will last
forever.

It is written
among all the other stars.

Thank you,
bright star,
for your light.

As surely as we will always see you twinkling
when we look up above,
your message shan't be forgotten.

Thank you.

under the night sky

Something so familiar and so dear
is finally in front of you
to really hear

--for the first time.

It's hard to breathe
as you hold the air in

--unknowingly,

until you let it out again.

nightmare

I had a dream last night.

On the green grass, in the broad sunlight.

People were all around.

Hundreds of people--young and old--laughing and smiling.

After all the hoopla, I went up to talk to you. Demand an explanation; see why you would dare show your face here. Why in the world you would even think to see me now.

It all went wrong.

I was there, shouting for help.
Screaming at the top of my lungs.

A sound so shrill it would make your blood run cold.

I could feel the tears pouring out.
and the pain.

But they all were smiling.
eyes completely glazed over, their mouths either plastered with sick smiles or opening wide in cultish laughter.


And there I was
in the center.

Right there on the green grass, underneath the beautiful, blue sky and the shining sun.

But in spite of my cries, no one bothered to put an end to it.
..No one even moved.

I woke up crying and when I tried to remember the specifics of why, it was all just a blur.

motion

These past few nights--right around this time of 12:30 AM--I have been having a painful urge to move.

How?

Well, it could involve

driving a car.
riding a train..
sitting on the bus...
or even traveling by foot....

I really don't care which travel method is used.
Any of the above would satisfy this need, as long as its an ongoing pace.

A pace that lasts for days and days.

A pace that allows me to just keep going and only have to think about what's right in front of me.

I need motion.

eerie

Walk down the empty halls--look through the windows on the doors of the rooms.
Rooms of the place you spent over half your life.

Hear the noisy chatter.
the laughter.
young voices (energized, yet distant).

a faraway melody.

See the portraits on the walls.
Each represents a show.
And those with rows of children.
Children who left behind this place and went out into the world ("Grow up. Move on. Away from the innocence you started with.")

Nothing but a name on a wall now?

Oh, no. There is more.

The past is still moving.
If you listen.

It continues.
Back to where we used to be.

Hear it. Feel it wash right through you.

Walk some more. Up the stairwell.
Alone.

They're surrounding you.
Hear them now?

That noisy chatter returns.

The spirit remains.

a simple plea

Dear Teenager,

Yes, life can sometimes suck.
Yes, things can be so difficult that you may wonder, 'Why should I even bother?'
Yes, people are frustrating, hurtful, and often focused on extremely petty matters.
Yes, a lot of 'fakeness' and evil exists in this world.

But there's nothing you can do to change this! No matter where you go, no matter how far away you get from where you are now, these negative aspects will follow you.

It's simply a part of life.

Therefore, there's no sense in whining all the time: there's nothing you can do about it. However, what you can do is change the way you choose to live your own life.

Find the things that make you happy! Look around. Something exciting and beautiful is happening every second. Sometimes, it really is the little things.

And I know this is easier said than done, but please STOP with the constant self-deprecation. You don't give yourself enough credit! You, yes you, have so many brilliant talents and positive attributes. In fact, many of them you may not even realize you have. But other people do! Though no one ever compliments you on them or mentions them, I GUARANTEE there is someone out there who sees the beauty in you. Believe me.

And stop comparing yourself to others! Everyone is so diverse and unique that you should never be allowed to even THINK of comparing yourself to someone else. I too know this can indeed be a difficult task, but trust me--life really is so much better when you give up all your self-loathing and the constant comparisons to others and just go out there thinking, "I am myself. No one can take that away from me."

No matter what society or another person may tell you, we are ALL intelligent, gifted, capable human beings.

We are ALL beautiful.

Please, please, PLEASE stop constantly comparing yourself to others and commenting on all your faults.

Now, don't misinterpret my message...I'm not saying that we should NEVER feel bad about ourselves. Of course, there will be various letdowns and upsetting occurrences in in our lives..and we can't always control those low feelings.

My message is to stop allowing this type of attitude to be a part of your daily life.

Who KNOWS what adventures you could be having instead!

So, get out..break out!

Go forth and seek new worlds...even if they're as far as your own backyard.

It's all out there waiting.

The first step really is quite simple: just give yourself a bit more credit.

'There's a lot more to you than there is to you...'

Your fellow teenager and friend,

Brittany

Reasons for a Strange Liking

What's cool about the bus is that you can see everyone thinking.

Everyone is in his or her own world. Silent on the outside, but clearly not on the inside.

Everyone is facing a different destination.

A different day behind them.

A different day ahead of them.

The bus is just a plethora of individual inner monologues trapped in one space.

If you look around next time, you'll see it all surrounding you.

impact

watching
heart beats faster
this is more than to entertain


feeling
heart experiences what they do
this kind of relation is comprehensible to only a few

or none at all?

keep it silent
walk away, all is fine and normal
shut the door

sob

for those who don't know
for those who do know but don't have a way out
for those who know and live

real emotions

freedom

sheer terror.

legitimate fear for your life and the lives of those with you.

I never knew it could bring such exhilaration.

the typical route would have been faster...and much safer.

but, I would not trade our way for anything.

what a way to kick off a season.

Stuck

Past the white, horizontal rows that make up the window shade, I see the leaves.

Avocado-green on one side, golden-brown on the other.

They fall onto the concrete of the street and the cement of the sidewalk.

Pattering like rain.

They spin several times through the endless space of air before they hit the ground.

Twisting like strips of paper-mâché confetti.

I turn away from the window and face the front, that screen which forces me to stay in here--prevents me from running away and joining the jubilation I see.

Though not even a minute has passed, when I look outside the window again, everything is completely still.

The leaves have stopped.

old-fashioned ranch

The flavor makes me feel like I'm five years old again and sitting in the pleather booth with the torn whole in the left side.

Next to the basketball team portraits--members sitting in perfect rows--and the photos of dugouts and outfields.

I hear the pinball machine clanging, its silver balls rolling side to side as tiny fingers press against the left and right buttons, click click click.

I hear the men's raucous laughter.

a kind of blazed hysteria.

"Oooooooh!" they shout as one of the players makes an abrupt move and the game gets more intense.

I smile at my father.

I pick out pieces of stale popcorn from the brown, circular bowl and pop them into my mouth.

It's familiar.

We beg our dads for a few more quarters to play JUST ONE more game (we promise) and get some skittles from the 'turning thing.'

After inserting the 25 cent piece and twisting the nob three times to the left, we carefully lift the lid and greedily scoop the rainbow candies into our hands.

We are cautious that they don't hit the carpeted floor and land among the now even staler popcorn pieces.

Images from TV screens flash around me on all sides.

The loudness of the room is overpowering, gradually getting higher and higher as the night wares on.

I cover my ears, but at that moment don't realize the wonder of this escape from reality.

recharge the batteries

I have finally determined WHY I stay up so late.

why I can't control the night.

I love being alone in my thoughts.

having my own space.

having the time to contemplate and just...be at one with myself.

to get away from the hustle and bustle of the day in the calm that is my room, the calm of the darkness outside my windows.

to be alone.

I love people. I need people, like someone once reminded me not too long ago.

But I value my time alone just as much as my time with others.

I need more alone-time than the average person does, I'd say.

THAT'S why I so often put off assignments and stay up till ungodly hours.

As bad as it probably is for my health...I love it.

This behavior won't be stopping anytime soon, I can guarantee that.

a journey

'I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.'

Well, what happens when you're fast-approaching the bridge that once seemed so far away?

The bridge that, until now, was just a distant idea.

Something you knew was bound to happen someday, but was so far-off you managed to keep pushing it further into the distance...out-of-sight.

What happens when you finally reach the bridge?

How do you cross it?

sunburnt

Yesterday?

Sensational.

Simply by moving my pedals in a repeated motion, I rush past twenty miles of the beauty that is Los Angeles.

the beauty of a neverending coast.

the beauty of water and sand.

the beauty of a piercing blue sky.

As my pedals continually move forward and my wheels make endless circles of rotation, I watch the people and try to make eye contact or provide a smile to anyone willing to see.

babies.
children.
teenagers.
adults.

couples.
team members.
families.
old friends.

I hear their laughter, their cries, their cheers, their screams.

Though each tone is different than the others around it, these individual voices form to create one sound.

A sound of stories.

A sound of variety.

A sound of LIFE.

a nighttime melody

Hear the
music.

Blasting. Humming.

Insanely loud
thunder.

Penetrating my
eardrums.

Vibration. Energy. Electricity.

Pounding
adrenaline.

Oh, the exuberance brought on by the bliss of being young.

1:23 AM

I care about people. I really do.

I empathize with almost everyone. I feel things from each person I encounter, getting vibes about who they are and what they've gone through or sometimes even how they're feeling at that moment.

I take pride in this special gift of observation.

I want so badly to help people. To offer them insight. I feel like I have so much to offer.

Why, then, is this so often from a distance? How can I have such a genuine love of humans, but feel a constant need to isolate myself?
(Not that seclusion is bad; I need alone time to think and reflect..)

Why is it that in FAMILIAR social situations I come across as a person different from the me in my head? That doesn't make a bit of sense. Then, in more unfamiliar situations, where I feel uncomfortable, my need to be isolated is of course, more clear.

Overall, there are people who have blatantly incorrect views of me, and there are some who indeed know some true parts. However, I don't think the majority of people I come across in my daily life have any idea of who I am. Even those close to me.

It's not their fault though.

Even I puzzle myself.

It's just...sometimes I wish I didn't feel so disconnected. It can get hard living in my head, in a world no one could ever understand.

Being 'different' has its blessings and curses, I suppose.

insomnia

time is such a weird concept.

when I say time, I mean the clock system. the idea of having 24 hours in a day.

how everything is based on it.

appointments, meetings, classes, dates, dances, rehearsals, practices, shows, games, weddings, funerals, services..the list goes on.

life revolves around 'time.'

but as I'm sitting here, not sleeping and instead staring at the bold font of the digital clock in front of me, I see that the time of 12:48 AM is merely four separate numbers arranged in a row.

what a strange little discovery.

I think it'd be cool to go somewhere for a while and not have time running our lives.

Harmony

What an emotionally draining day.

But I wouldn't want it any other way.

I love everyone so much. Thinking about what I'm going to do next year without everyone breaks my heart.

I don't think I've ever sobbed so much in public in my life.

It's true what is always said about DRAMA.

It's real.

It's a bond that words CAN'T describe (like I always say), and that no one ever truly understands unless they experience it themselves.

There is HARMONY here that I may never experience again. So much harmony and talent all in one spot. It really is 'a beautiful thing.'

LOVE

I am surrounded by love.

by passion.

by AMAZING people.

I am so grateful that I get to do what I LOVE more than anything.

I love performing.

I love theater.

I love the miracles it can bring. Even when you feel like absolute shit and can barely speak, it can lift you up...bringing you to the point where you CAN.

Miracles can happen.

I love love love love love it.

I don't want it to end.

Goodnight.

7:24 PM

On my bike ride home earlier, the sky looked PERFECT.

A light, pastel blue..with horizontally stretched out, long white clouds interspersed throughout..

I went inside my house for about 15 minutes, but then I couldn't stand not being out there with it all...so I grabbed my camera, this journal, and my iPod.. and ran over to the bluff trail to watch the sky's show.

currently, the clouds are slowly moving inward, toward each other...creating an orange glow. the weather? a nice, crisp chill. not particularly cold, but nowhere near warm. I'm currently sitting on top of a bench (not the actual seat part) watching the cars speed across Lincoln and Jefferson, the lights flickering in the Marina and cities further beyond, a large boat going out past the shore and smaller ones returning; the clouds that remain look like gray puffs of smoke floating across...gradually getting darker. I should probably go home. They'll be wondering where I am. It's dinnertime. There's a slight wind. My hair is blowing and whipping across my face. My cheeks are cold.

I think I'll skip back home now.

perceptions

3/11/09 --> 11:40 PM

You. My fixation with YOU isn't even with you, is it?

I've created it all in my head.

I have this 'creation' of the person I feel you are, but one can't know a person simply through words and every once in a while, a far-off glimpse.

I need to see. to see completely.

to hear. to hear your voice.

to watch. to watch your actions.

to interact.

to experience.

Why do I feel this pull? this need to truly get to know you? to see behind what others don't?

Why do I think this way when in reality, you're just like the rest of them? When you, clearly, are NOT thinking anything remotely close to this about me?

The whole world is waiting, just outside; it's glowing.

Do you see it? Can you?

Do you want to? No.

You'll stay the same, and I'll remain in my head. Wanting to share this brightness. What I see.

You said you like talking because of something about 'perceptions' and the fact I see you differently than other people do. Is that not something so out-of-the-ordinary that you'd want to actually experience it? To get to know this person who sees 'something more,' who sees past your facade and the you you portray?

Wait.

What if there is not anything at all?

What if, if there is, you don't want to find it?

Maybe what she thinks she sees is in fact, NOTHING.
________________________________

You have no idea.

You're not worth it.

This 'you' she refers to isn't the YOU in reality.

It's an imaginary character she's created, loosely based off of a real person.

Yet, however fictional it may be, there was always something fantastic about it.

She's tired of waiting. She realizes this. She wants to live it out for real.

She will.

For now, though, real actions have brought light to this creation.

You're nothing that she thought.

This is good. She can breathe now and keep waiting.

Someday, she'll find a reality that is even better than her fiction.

The Wind

Swirling air.

It tosses around, circling the atmosphere--bringing a chill across my cheek.

The coolness repeatedly washes over me.

I want to dance.

to jump.

to shout.

to raise my arms up into the sky.

to keep spinning as long as this thrill continues.

Let's go.

Sleeping is giving in

During the day, sleep pulls me with its soothing spell, taunting me to go down with it.

A sudden jolt.

I manage to snap out of it for the most part...but some days, this is more difficult than others.

At night, though, this is no longer the issue.

In fact, for some reason, this problem turns into the complete opposite: Sleep evades me; it is now consciousness that taunts me, coercing me to stay awake with it.

A feeling of adrenaline.

The mind's overpowering nature strikes once again.

unsettling

not worth my time.

pointless.

a waste of energy.

then why can't I stop?

delirium

you know that rare adrenaline rush that people only experience every once in a while?

the one we all crave, but hardly ever seem to grasp?

Well, I felt it today for the first time in a while.

There are no words to describe the feeling that performing 'full out' can bring.

the buzz of energy, generated by the true passion and commitment of both yourself and those around you.

When various individuals pour out their souls and give everything they have to create one body of united harmony.

This is the type of energy that leads to extreme hysterics; you can fall to the ground, delirious with joy and laughter. laughter that makes your stomach throb with pain and causes tears of joy to trickle down your cheeks.

This is a rush that unleashes any burdens you may be carrying and lifts all the heavy weight off your shoulders--creating sheer rapture that words, in fact, can never fully describe.

It is under this adrenaline spell that we all have the power to be truly free.

a cycle

Isn't it strange--how quickly things change?

How as you go on throughout the days, the way you're living your life at that current moment seems to fit perfectly?

Then as time passes and you look back on it all, those past situations that once felt so right, feel faraway and unfamiliar.

After looking back on those times, you think about how satisfied you are now with this present and can't imagine ever going back to the way things were.

Yes, it is strange...but thank goodness for change.

several days ago

you said you didn't want to be numb anymore.

good.

but you took your newfound abilities and went telling everything to a person unworthy, a stranger--getting swept away by the facade.

foolish.

you've learned 2 things from this:

1)Never devote that much time to someone..especially someone you don't even know--no matter how much you think you may.

2)Never allow yourself to EVER become that numb again. Hold on tightly to this connection with your emotions, and always remember to use it wisely.

incoherent rambling

life

is

so


weird.


Confrontation and finally spilling out the things you've been wanting to say for so long...and hearing an answer you expected, but still kinds of sucks.

it all seems like it will kill the magic.

it's good I finally faced up to it...but then I wonder, is it really?

for some reason though, I feel like I might not stop. I mean, technically, it's not going to stop. I just got the confirmation I needed...but it will still remain the same.

__________________________________________________

and oh man oh man oh man oh man. life is ironic.

I really don't know what to say.

the two flashing boxes.

the two people.

the two ideas that have messed with my mind.

what in the world.

thoughts at 1 AM

I'd like to go on a neverending walk.

just keep moving for miles and miles..and see where I end up.

I love watching everything around me when I'm outside.

right now, it is night, and I am dreaming of a vast field interspersed with weeds, grass, and small flowers.

In this field, I can lie on my back for hours...and never have to move. All I have to do is lie there, soaking in the moment.

Here I do not have to worry or think about anything.

My mind could focus solely on the beauty that surrounds me and the gift that the sky brings: the sun's rays in the day and the moon's glow at night.

in that moment

the tingling starts in the fingers.

gripping the microphone stand, body angled to the left, I look out to the farthermost crease in the wall.

out of the corner of my eye, I see their expressions.

the music's emotions hit me in all the right places...for real, this time.

they can see it.

my hands are now so completely numb, I can no longer feel them--in my mind, they are shaking like no other, but thanks to my eyes, I can see that is not so.

I hear the words of praise.

a voice calls my name and motions for me to come over.

pulling me into a tight embrace, I hear her gratitude and can feel the movement of her relief.

the warm, callous hands pull my face into hers.

looking right at her, I see the tears rolling down.

one.

two.

three.

these feelings, sounds, and visions amount to the beauty of human emotion.

I came to see the light...congratulations.

sitting on the warm concrete, the repeated melody floats through the air and the sun's rays seep into my skin.

as I get up to continue with my day, I feel as if I am still lying there.

the sun is in me.

not only is this apparent by the pinkish hues appearing on my skin, but also by the heat felt both on the surface and the inside.

it is an eternal warmth, a warmth that makes all other surroundings cool and refreshing.

an eternal glow.

dance of the night

booming.

the branches of trees rub against each for warmth, creating music that sounds like the ocean's waves crashing against the shore.

pounding.

a girl's hands are cold as ice, though only until hours have passed, does she finally realize.

howling.

she listens.

teenage wasteland

why can't I stop?

I'm fine when I force myself into avoiding it completely...but no matter what, it still remains in the hindmost parts of my mind and at some point or another, always comes rushing back to me.

why do you seem so familiar when in reality, you might as well be a complete stranger?

after all these years, you'd think I would be able to get a grip over myself and move on.

I don't even know what is keeping me attached. in fact, sometimes I wonder how much of this was ever, could ever be real...and how much is just created by my own distorted imagination.

pathetic is what it is. just thinking about all the hours I've spent over this is a bit disconcerting.

why?!

I guess I should stop trying to find an explanation. I never will know the answer to that question.

however, what I do know is that I can always count on my good 'ol mind to keep reminding me with these dreams, taunting me with unrealistic ideas.

though this probably isn't healthy, it seems like I'll continue to live in this on and off delusion for now.

"see me; feel me."

rapture on a sunday

speeding down the tracks, I feel the exhilaration brought on by consistent movement of the train's wheels, spinning round and round and around and around.

laughing with good friends, I gaze at the various worlds that flash by us.

urban skyscrapers. industrial factories. quaint towns. homogeneous suburbs. empty fields. green pastures. the vibrant, shining ocean that sparkles as the sun hits its rolling waves.

hopping of the train, we know we are in for a very special day.

we can feel it.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Isn't it strange how life works?

how one hasty decision or a small pause can change your entire course of events?

well, today either major luck just happened to be on our side or someone was watching out for us: all our actions led us to a variety of incredible moments.

you know those kinds of days that only happen once in a while? well, you could say we experienced one of those.

so many things happened that looking back on, I still can't even believe. things that if you had asked me 4 years ago, I never would have imagined happening.

I feel like a part of me is more complete...and I can still feel the harmony pulsing through my veins.

harmony I can't believe I had forgotten.

there was truly magic in this day.

impracticable desires?

I have pretty high expectations.

Are they realistic?

Are you out there?

If so, how long do I have to wait?

And I wonder why things are the way they are.

But I'm not about to compromise my decisions and my ideals.

I'll just keep waiting.

conclusions of the day

months later, the biting air burns my skin; at first, I find I am wary without my usual coverup shield. as time passes though, I see it was indeed time for a bit of crisp, raw change.
____________________________________________

I listen and laugh among the rest of them as they tell their tales.

As amusing and humorous as their stories may be, I realize that I really do love my innocence.

hysteria

fake a smile and move on as always, brittany.

for now, at least.

you can do it.

you always do.

deep breaths.

go on.

open your eyes

What we have is more real and full of substance than you will ever know.

Don't get me wrong. I am not bashing the way people choose to live their lives or the things that bring them fun. In fact, I believe that people deserve the choice to do the things they enjoy, to do what makes them happy..no matter what those things may be.

It's just..right now, I feel so satisfied with those close to me in my life and the things we do for enjoyment.

We have fun.

We feel good.

We have a release.

We can remove ourselves from the stresses of everyday life.

We can feel alive.

You know how we do this?

By living a little thing called LIFE and truly SEEING the world around us for what it is.

Once again, let me reiterate that this it not at all my preaching at anyone to change his or her lifestyle.

I am just so glad I have my new, own set of eyes and am so relieved that I am...well, content in my own skin.

cleansing

forget the words. forget the looks.
forget the smiles. forget the hooks.
forget the stories...forget the thoughts.
but never, ever forget the indescribable joy.

constant motion

For years, people have always been telling me, "Brittany, you think too much."

This goes for all kinds of different situations...academically..socially...in almost every aspect of life.

And you know what I have to say to those people?

You're all right.

My mind is perpetually moving 100 miles-a-minute, forever "thinking too much." The assorted voices inside my head continually spurt out question after question after question.

"What if...?"

"How come..?"

"Why do I..?"

"Do you think maybe..?"

Never before I have truly pondered this fact; all this ongoing thought must be draining.

But, you know what?

I wouldn't have it any other way.

"Thinking too much" is simply...me.

a broken, worn out heart

what, you ask?

everything.

sometimes you need to have those horrible, universe-is-plotting-against-you kind of days.

why, you ask?

everything.

sometimes you have to have those moments to cry. to sob. to free the multitude of hidden emotions that though not always visible, are always hiding there...building up inside.

how, you ask?

just let everything out.

"All I have is all of me, and it's all that I can give."

a view from a pew

endless faces, endless names.

do they truly believe everything they say they do, or is it just a charade?

a charade in which everyone plays a part, a charade everyone thinks is real..or at least pretends is so.

what do they gain from it? how?

it's incomprehensible.

not to mention that the hypocrisy exhibited by some makes it all even more baffling.

owl

I really need to stop this.

I get way below the amount of sleep I need...and I could get a lot more if I did not procrastinate so much.

This could be so simple to fix, but it really is easier said than done.

I'm finding monotonous tasks such as homework more and more unappealing each day.

The night is too inviting.

I think I'm slowly turning nocturnal.

incessant tendencies

yearning, dreaming, wishing, imagining.

initiating it myself as usual..yet receiving eagerness in return.

it doesn't make sense how all remains silent and still--things go on their usual, disconnected way-- until I initiate it.

And in this, there's depth...and interest.

I can see that for sure.

But then I stop it, and things go back to their original condition. The two opposing worlds just don't mix, I guess.

What a vicious, interminable cycle.

old habits die hard.

cognizance

As I was sitting on the bus today, I was thinking how there's something about myself lately that has changed. I'm so much more aware of my surroundings, and the littlest things can make me feel good. I am actually seeing the world around me and absorbing everything, soaking it all in. It's as if I have a totally new perspective...a new set of eyes.

slap

Today I heard some words that really hit home for me.

"I know this type. It's an act."

I desperately needed to hear this statement and feel the realization hit me like a slap across the face.

OUCHHH, MAN.

But really. I'm glad.

sing

I've been listening to Flogging Molly all morning.

"So sing to me..sing me a song, a song from yesterday.
And when the laughter turned these tears before the promises, then they'll slip away
Don't turn your back on me, don't turn your back on me, don't ever let me down...
We are within a mile; we are within a mile, within a mile of home."

baby steps

Ungrateful and selfish is what I am.

I know that.

I'll admit it.

But, honestly...what seventeen year old, teenage child isn't?

I like to think I'm a pretty good daughter in spite of all I may do that isn't so great.

I KNOW you have a lot..and do so much..and make so many sacrifices, but so much of what you do and the way you treat me AFFECTS ME. I'm really starting to see it more and more.

One small step you can try to take out of the millions of possibilities?

LET'S CUT DOWN THE CONSTANT NEGATIVITY and for once focus on the positives first. Yeah, sure. Let's do that.

childhood thoughts

This song, though I've heard it many times before...got stuck in my head today.

It was then that I realized just how much the lyrics resonate with me, my feelings about my childhood and past/family.

"You were a child
Crawling on your knees toward it
Making momma so proud
But your voice was too loud
We like to watch you laughing
Picking insects off of plants
No time to think of consequences

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted to be haunted
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted to be haunted

The water is warm
But it's sending me shivers
A baby is born
Crying out for attention
The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made and not bought
But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot
I guess not

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted to be haunted
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted to be haunted"

friends

I honestly have the greatest friends a person could ever hope to have.

I am glad I have realized how blessed I am to have them.

satisfaction

Everything makes sense to me now.

No more confusion.

Though I will never be the same, things can go back to the way they were.

come back

there's something about the rain,

tapping
across
the
drain pipes

drenching the surroundings with its chilling refreshments.


comforting.

cleansing.

purifying.

peaceful.


rain, rain, never go away.

the night

never in my life have I slept so little yet felt so awake.

Screaming

the shrill discordance pains my acute sense of hearing.

piercing.

strident.

It was monkey see monkey do for you, and it can be for us.

But I won't let that happen.

What's in the Heart of a Child

"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream of warm impermanence.
So, the days float through my eyes..but still the days seem the same."

It's weird. I was thinking about the past year, and I can honestly say that though a lot has indeed changed, in actuality, much has not. And as I consider my past sixteenth year and all my experiences, I've realized something. Was it not just a repeat of the year previous to it...and maybe even the one before? I'm beginning to think so.

Yes, yes it was. My life, though I am constantly growing and changing, is a mere constant...aided by a few name changes, different color schemes, and the ticking of time's clock.

I do not want this anymore. These past few months, I have started to notice something...a gap? No, that's not right. There's something in me that is thirsting, though. Though I think part of me has known it all along, I really can't ignore it anymore or brush it aside. The simple fact is that so much of me is yearning, wanting to live. wanting to love. wanting to experience what's real, and not this continual monotony.

My heart has grown used to trying to mediate between these two opposing worlds. If not mediating, it's feeling that way inside. It hurts. The different stories and cries pull me in two directions. I know there are two sides to every story..and that's a beautiful thing, truly. Without the uniqueness of each individual's perspective and views on certain experiences, I don't think life would be worth living. Yet, what is and has been continually happening..it's not right. Too much. If only it was as easy for people to forgive as it is to wish for it.

I now know that I still have those wishes, those desires I had seven years ago. Of course, they're not exactly the same as what I used to cry for each night as I lay in my baby blue room with the painted clouds above me. No, it's not the same as then. But the root and the reasons remain. Inside, I still feel the same way I did at the top of the staircase when I witnessed the world shift, the start of when everything came crashing down. It hasn't stopped since then and in many ways, has grown worse.

Though they have morphed into something more simple; the basis of what needs to happen is the same...peace. Not even peace, but simple kindness. I'm tired of the hypocrisy.

I now am realizing that all the pain has taught me to become numb to everything around me that is hard to bear. I've grown accustomed to putting on a front, acting like nothing is wrong. So used to this routine and pushing my feelings so deep inside me that I don't even know how to summon them up.

I don't want to live like that anymore. As weird or cliche as it is, I think turning seventeen has already started to bring about some change in myself.

My eyes are now open. I think my heart and I are going to have a wonderful relationship again.

Oh, the beauty of reconciliation.

"The sadness, the doubt, all the loss, the grief
will belong to some play from the past
as the child leads the way to a dream, a belief..
a time of hope through the land."