goodbye, 2013.

the year is almost over;
that's an obvious fact.

i'm not sure why i'm writing this,
but there's no turning back?

this doesn't even rhyme,
probably wasting my time--

but these words are flowing,
and won't stop going

everywhere?

nowhere?

anywhere?

I have no idea what the hell that was or where that came from. I'm sitting here on the floor in my room in the comforting spot against the foot of my bed and realized I wanted to make one final blog post for 2013. So...there you have it? I intend on spending the next five minutes meditating and reflecting over the year...thinking about all I'm grateful for...and sending out prayers for those that need them. It feels good to begin the year with a healthy state of mind. It's interesting because I remember I spent the eve of 2011 in a similar manner and that was the last time until now that I was free of a lot of instability.

However, this year there are people celebrating downstairs, so I will get over the fact I don't really know a lot of the people and soon run down there for a final two minutes with 2013. It's been a good one. A strange one (filled with great contrast and a lots of learning). But a good one.

how long will i stand here, obstructing love's way?

so i've been trying this new thing at work that in the past i've sometimes reminded myself to do when on the bus or anywhere i'm able to observe and people watch. and that is focusing on people and doing my best to consciously send out positive energy toward them.

for example: when it gets super busy around mid-afternoon, there's usually a long line of people to ring up at the cash register because most are getting food from the cafe. it's in these moments where it gets really easy to disconnect from the act of truly interacting with people and just go through the motions of the automatic "how are you's" and "have a good one's" to get from person to person at quick speed. when it isn't busy, it's much easier to actually have a conversation or remember to look people in the eye (which used to make me feel really uncomfortable and nervous but gets easier each day).

so now when i ring up a customer during these busy moments, i try to pick up on their current emotions and send whatever sort of positive energy i intuitively feel they may need for that day in particular. like, i can't really explain it. it's not something i'll even think about. it's not like i think to myself, "oh it seems like she's having a fight with her husband, i better send good thoughts her way so that gets resolved soon." no. it's more of a natural response. it would be ridiculous, a waste of time, and unrealistic to fabricate possible scenarios out of nowhere. because it's so quick and i have to focus on what i'm doing, i can't get distracted anyway. i let it happen on its own. it's kind of a...flow of sorts? it's something i feel without thinking about it. it's hard to explain. but i've found that it makes the whole act of helping customers worthwhile and mean a lot to me. the more i remember to put this into practice, work becomes more than just a mindless act of customer service.

i'm grateful to be a part of life in this way. i still try to remind myself to do this on the bus or any time i'm sitting and people watching (like i mentioned above). but it becomes special on an entirely different level now that i'm given an opportunity that encourages me to break out of my shell and establish a clear connection with others.

release

I literally have not taken off my amethyst necklace since I got it in July--not even when showering or sleeping. That means I've had it against my chest and scar for almost half a year. It gives me a sense of comfort and protection, for which I'm so grateful. A a week ago, in a dream, my parents told me to take it off. I can't remember any other specifics of the dream. Although I remember how awful that made me feel, I don't remember taking it off. It'd sadly be safe to assume I listened to them, but for some reason part of me thinks I didn't.

I actually woke up that morning thinking it had all been real. I was relieved and when I looked down to find it still there. When it comes to its deeper meaning, I think that dream goes to show a lot about my feelings these days. I have a general idea, but I've never been the best at interpreting my dreams. I can, however, feel when they are an especially significant reflection--and dramatic emphasis--of things that plague my mind and emotions.

Interestingly enough, a couple days after that dream last week, I found the silver chain necklace that I used to wear continuously back in 2011. When I found it after getting home from the hospital at the end of that March, I hid it underneath old letters in the back of my nightstand drawer. I associated it with that day and never wanted to see it again. But I'm glad I kept it instead of throwing it away like I did with so many other items that meant a lot to me. I guess some part of me knew I didn't truly want or need to let go of it because of the way it gave me a sense of comfort--just as my amethyst has now been doing. I, once again, now have this necklace around my neck too. Over two years later, it has joined the amethyst and the two of them together serve as a security blanket of sorts. When my emotions begin to take hold over me and I start getting worked up, anxious, or sad, I close my eyes with one hand around the silver and the other around the amethyst.

The silver necklace chain contains a circle with an open, engraved outline of a dragonfly in the center. It reads "Memories" above the dragonfly and "Blessing Ring" beneath it. On the opposite side of the circle, the words "Remember When" lie underneath the dragonfly in a smaller font. The amethyst is held by a wax chain, in between ten beads--most small and purple, the other two larger and dark brown. It is wrapped and centered by copper wire made up of three tiny spirals.

I intend on never again taking them off... that is, until the time comes to get both new chains.

resonation

When I was at work last night, I kept thinking about the list I recently made. The whole thing was nagging at me for some reason. Until I read the one from 2011, I felt no need to create a "to do someday" list now that more time has passed. Quite honestly, I'm not even intensely yearning for any of that right now (aside from often wishing I was living on my own, but even that isn't something I can really focus on right now). I'm just trying to live day by day.

I woke up this morning to an email with a link to an updated post on a website I follow. Usually the stories provide a lot of insight and I can relate to certain bits, but today's was exactly what I needed to read.

The last lines of the person's personal share read: Somehow I know it's all ok, and that all I have to do is "change my mind," and write my own story, instead of letting the fears of those before me choose for me. See things for what they are, no bias, no judgement....just see everything as it really is...

And the head of the website (who's a therapist) gave a reply that expresses what I have never been able to put in words.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Our western cultural paradigm - our medical/psychiatric paradigm is miles away from what it was originally designed to be. "Psyche" means Soul. Psychology is the study of the soul. The Hippocratic oath that all doctors are pledged to honor says to serve their patients with the greatest care, and to do no harm. In today's modern psychiatric approach, a person's personal experience is often invalidated, pathologized and labelled as an illness. Fear is a deeply destructive force, and when we are told that our reality is false (by a person who is not anywhere close to being enlightened and knowing anything beyond their ego), it can be a terrifying, depressing, fragmenting experience. My personal belief is that we are each living in our own bubble of reality and that we cluster together with communities that foster a consensus reality, yet it is the rarest among us who really understands the real Truth.

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." - Albert Einstein 

Never abandon your truth for another person's version of reality, unless it resonates with your heart and raises your consciousness.

c'mon, sing like we used to...wake on up from your slumber. open up your eyes.

I was clearing out old notes on my phone and found some that go as far back as 2011 when I used an iPod touch. I found one written at 1:56am on January 23, 2011 with the title "To Do Someday." Reading it now, almost three years later, is slightly fascinating.

-visit yosemite

-get tattoos

-go backpacking

-perform in productions of of tick, tick, boom! and Les Mis

-go on a cross country road trip

-live in Laurel Canyon (or somewhere similar)

-go skinny dipping (preferably in a lake at night)

-have lots and lots of rescued animals

-have a job I love that allows me to serve/help others

-purchase a vintage VW Bug...and paint it blue (but get my license first)

-live in the woods/out in nature

-get passport

-travel to Europee 

-see Northern Lights

-visit Himalayas

I actually don't have a better adjective to describe the feeling that seeing this list brings about. It's like, quite a good amount of what's on it is stuff I thought would have happened by now. And I had absolutely no idea of what was ahead of me. I thought I'd let go of my inner vices back at Berkeley because after a month back in Los Angeles, Many Lives, Many Masters somehow played a huge role in snapping me out of the depression. I almost instantly accepted the fact that it was okay for me to come home, especially since I never felt truly ready to leave in the first place due to a complete lack of plans for the future. I'd thought I'd be able to look past that fact, but the environment of hardcore studying and partying all around me was overwhelming as I started to feel more isolated, missed people back at home, and had an intense yearning to spend my studying time with various spiritual texts and more time for a focused meditation practice.

And now, three years later, reading this list is sort of bittersweet. It's the perfect representation of the shift that took place starting in March 2011. It just reminds me of a former intense zest for life, totally and completely idyllic...perhaps naive. I don't know. Much of the list still rings true. I just feel a strange sense of numbness in regards to pretty much all of it. I'm not sure why, but that's probably normal? If I had to make a list right now off the top of my head, it'd read:

-get my first tattoo that I've wanted the past couple of years 
-establish less dependence on my family financially speaking and ultimately move out on my own
-with that opportunity, get in contact with the right sort of people who understand where I'm coming from with a lot of my past experiences and have an understanding of alternative methods and truths
-tell my whole story to someone I trust will understand
-somehow take a trip across the United States to visit every single national park for the first time
-go camping/stay in hostels 
-travel across the country by train
-make a list of all the amazing--almost unreal--places of nature here in this country and seek them out to experience them in person
-continue to study more about the relationship between the brain and the chakras (the physical with the mental/emotional/spiritual) and study these eastern sciences/medicines and ancient perspectives
-find and study the correlations between these perspectives with western psychology/psychiatry
-help myself grow stronger spiritually and continue regaining my confidence
-provide guidance for others from a place of love and understanding to help us continue the journey of awakening and remembrance 

As much as I want to get a passport and spend a lot of time seeing the rest of the world, I feel like I won't re-add that to my list until far off in the future. There is so much I still can--and still need to--do back here at home.

Aside from the tattoo, all the other "to-do's" are going to take a while to come about. But I do know that of all on the list, the first three are most significant to me at this moment in my life. And I must maintain hope that everything will work out...I must set out the intention, positive energy, and trust in order to manifest the results. After all, I did just that back in late February/early March 2011 to such an extreme that we all know what happened as a result. I mean, I've never written every single detail here...some of it is unbelievable. It takes a long time to explain. And I wouldn't be able to type it anyway. It's probably one of the only things I don't know how to write about when it comes to describing my personal experiences. Anyway.

I had inconceivably intense emotions and visualizations. Our thoughts and intentions truly can dictate our reality. Sure, the specifics of the "before" are events I never expected or could have imagined. But still. Technically, I asked for it. And the main purposes of the "results" I yearned for so desperately have indeed happened. It's all been a domino effect of sorts...and the more I see everything from the numerous sides and details, I am left stunned.

This universe, this Life, is just... amazing? beautiful? inconceivable? incomprehensible? intense? magical? complex? remarkable? phenomenal? miraculous? breathtaking?

No. There are no words.

It just...is.

water

I wanted to write about this last weekend, but forgot to do so until just now when I realized I wanted to go downstairs to get a glass of water. Anyway. I'll make this short, even though I originally wanted to make this post more explanatory. So, I saw Catching Fire with my dad and Brennan over the weekend, and there's a scene in which the characters are beyond dehydrated having had no water for god knows how long. And then Haymitch sends Katniss a tool where she can attach it to a tree and it pours out water (or is it sap? I know nothing about how that works). So in the scene, you see the characters each drink from it...and it's intense to see how badly they needed the water. I'd normally plan out my words to make this more coherent, but I'm not feeling up for that. This will have to suffice. ANYWAY. When I was watching it, I like...literally started feeling their response and relief. I don't like writing too much about myself when it comes to the accident and stuff, but I will say this now because that's why I'm writing this blog entry. Just...seeing their gratitude and the intensity of their relief while they were drinking the water. I mean, for anyone it was a super powerful scene to watch. But I realize that it perfectly captured how I used to feel in the ICU when they wouldn't let me drink water because of reasons...I forget why. I mean, it's all significant having to do with the tons of cables and the trach and everything. But like...Heck, I barely remember much from the ICU aside from a few select instances (and everything is vague and fuzzy) and certain emotions and thoughts. But the strongest memory and physical feeling of pain I have from ICU and my second hospital room is thirst. I can remember how upset I'd be when I'd ask for just one sip of water, and the nurse would say "No, you'll have to wait til this time." And she'd write the time with a white board marker across from me. And it was like every hour at one point. I remember the immense relief I could feel whenever I'd get to take a precious sip or sometimes two. I can't really find the right words for this at the moment. As I said, I'm not putting time and effort into making this super coherent. Hopefully it gets the idea across.

Anyway, I've told some people (and I personally think about frequently) how that whole experience really opened my mind to how blessed we are to have the access to liquid that we do. And not just any liquid or any water, but clean, purified water. I mean, that's something I always understood and could appreciate. But now it's something I think about a lot. And I try, every time I am drinking a liquid, to send out gratitude. I know I'll never forget that feeling of intense desperation and craving for thirst. I've never experienced anything like that. Water was the only thing I could think about it.  Okay, this has been enough rambling. I wanted this blog entry to be thoughtful and more insightful, but I've been putting it off for some reason and decided to just write stream of consciousness style. So, there you have it.

always

there are many things i'd like to say here, but it's getting late. yet, for some reason, i still find myself posting this? i don't know. what i do know is that i don't know or understand so many things. it sounds so obvious, yet it still feels like an awesome thought in comparison to the big picture. am i making any sense? perhaps i am not. but that's okay. today i needed to go on a walk. well, more like this evening. it was barely a walk and the sun had already set, but the sky was glowing yellow even though it was already dark. it was so beautiful.

eyes

sometimes I can recall.

leaving home

I never wrote about it on here, but I am extremely grateful that the escrow fell through last summer. We would have moved by September. Granted, it would have been somewhere only five minutes away or so. But still. In spite of the fact that everyone else wants to move (and for good reason in terms of family dynamics and togetherness), I secretly was kind of relieved. I love walking on the bluff path at night going home after work surrounded by the completely lit up streets behind us. I love running along the trail during the day. I love going to the end of the street with Bosco to watch the sunset. And my room. I've written before how it's a a safe-haven of sorts. I will miss it most out of any other part of this house. This room and the views of the city and sky when outdoors. I can't really explain it.

All the houses we're looking at are not in Los Angeles.

I'm looking forward to change. A fresh start. But it's sort of a crazy thing to think about.

The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place

So I'm currently sitting in bed, listening to my favorite Explosions in the Sky album. The music is streaming through my right ear as I'm wearing only one earbud in order to absorb the sound of raindrops outside the window to my left. There are no words to describe the perfection of these combined sounds. Bosco is curled up next to me. And snoring. Gah, this is such a wonderful moment. In fact, there was something significant about today as a whole.

The second I sat down in the first bus this morning at 8:30am, I began to feel an overwhelming emotion I haven't felt in years. And that is one of immense love for everyone surrounding me. Complete and total strangers. Everywhere I looked I noticed so much beauty...so many differences. So many stories. So many thoughts. I could see everyone thinking (or exhausted, perhaps trying not to think as they sighed in preparation for a long day). I don't know. All I know is this awareness took place throughout the day on all four buses. And walking across intersections. I could feel that strange sensation I used to, literally around my chest. I believe I wrote about this years ago...let me go find the entry.

Okay. So a part of the entry from 12/12/10 reads, "after a minute or so I made it to the end of the sidewalk. while waiting for the stoplight to change so I could cross the street, I took the first, precious sip of my eggnog latte. I instantly felt the familiar spark of warmth that starts in the chest and then spreads throughout the entire body. it was right at that moment that it occurred to me how that feeling of comfort is not too different from the ever-present joy that has lately been pervading my heart, my being. in fact, they are almost identical."

I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's quite powerful and comforting at the same time? It's like a physical response to the emotion I am holding. It seems both a natural and necessary reaction. I don't know how to word any of this properly. There is so much to say. All I can write I guess is that it's significant. I'm grateful to start feeling the love I hold for mankind as I once did in the past. My compassion and understanding didn't leave back in 2011. I was still conscious of my beliefs and have maintained my thoughts...but what was sad is I no longer felt the emotions to match any of them. So in a sense, it was almost hard to believe what I knew was true. I mean, I never didn't believe it. It was just awful feeling numb. I missed the emotion...and after three years, I kind of stopped missing it. And today I realize how much I'd forgotten.

This response is not just toward people I interact with or am surrounded by. Everything around me. Everything I see. Nature. Flowers...lizards running along the bluff path...clouds...the sky especially. I feel more and more connected to everything each day. It's a gradual process, but I am so grateful that it is taking place. I needn't allow the intensity of this world's pain overwhelm me.

I have learned that it is okay to understand, but the depth of empathy should never overpower my own centeredness. I am blessed to be given the opportunity to feel the love I hold for this universe in a healthy, balanced manner.

We all are.

memory

yesterday a random image entered my head when i was sitting in class, completely disconnected from the lecture (as is often the case).

i saw a pair of cotton strings--each about three feet or so--running parallel, about eleven feet in the air and glued strongly to opposing ends of dark blue walls. however, the thin strings were so close together that from a distance--depending on one's perspective--it could appear to be a single thread. but out of nowhere (about two seconds later), the glue of one string instantly became less sturdy on both walls and landed to the ground on its own.

the strings clearly no longer ran parallel. in fact, the distance in height was so great between them that they were no longer together in my line of vision. all i could see was the thread whose glue for some reason decided to remain sturdy and thus keep the string alone in the air.

my mind constantly wanders in class. whether i am journaling or attempting to pay attention, it's a constant battle to stay focused solely on the topics in front of me. however, nothing this random has ever entered my head; so, as i sat there, i tried to interpret it as i would a strange dream. 

i decided it was a bizarre, complicated metaphor for my life.

the mirror

Sometimes
when I cry--

and only if
I'm home alone,

I lie forward
on the carpet

and stare through
the glass.

I look into
my own eyes

and speak aloud
words of encouragement.

I somehow say
what I need to hear.

And though the words
are said by me,

I feel that they're
from somewhere else--

be it a guide
or higher self.

(you grow from the inside)

I guess it's a good thing today was a Sigur Rós kind of morning already.

On another note, half a thousand dollars later, I can type on my own personal keyboard again. I'm thankful for that. I wouldn't have made this blog post right now otherwise as typing here is comforting compared to using the touch screen. Sounds weird, but yeah. It's kind of like...the way I'm able to get out my thoughts and let it flow. And the only reason I was on the computer in the first place is because I was trying to fix the program on here in order to retrieve all my organized albums.

Brennan and I have been bonding a lot more lately, which has been really nice. It kind of scares me sometimes that she'll soon be the age I was when she was born. That's another one of those things that will really get to me if I'm not careful. I mean, it's not literally scary. It's just...bah. There are a lot of words I could say, but I don't feel like processing all my thoughts at the moment and "bah" pretty much encapsulates everything.

Work has been pretty good. I've gotten some more hours the past two weeks when they need me because others can't make it. I love going there because it helps get me out of my head and work on my confidence level. I really need to not put myself down.

Okay, I'm feeling a bit better.

"I wonder if I'm allowed, just ever to be." 

I'm still grateful.
Because I am.

madness

never had I been and not,
never have I been without.

Ha

I just read my previous entry and loved the irony of the last sentence.

Anyway. That inspired me to write an entry here. I'm not sure what it will contain. Hmmm here we go. Stream of consciousness? Yes. No constant editing as I type.

Well, we've made it to November. Wow. I don't know. Time is passing so fast..it feels like just yesterday I was getting ready for the surgery I openly acted so calm and excited for as a means of suppressing the intense fears I had. That was fun when I didn't sleep the whole night before and had anxiety and was crying on the car ride there. It was that night I realized my true emotions about it, how my cold was psychosomatic of course (brought on by my weird fear thing like when I used to get sick before shows and all that).

Anyway. Wow. In just 16 days it will have been exactly a year to the day. I remember that whole morning in the pre-surgery room vividly and for some reason that whole morning is vividly entering my memory this very second, and waiting alone in the bare side of the hospital at 4am...it kind of feels like it was some other world. Haha I remember now that it felt so surreal, like I was in space or something. I don't know. That sounds weird. I'm glad I had Paws with me. And headphones. And certain songs on repeat. The anxiety lowered. And my dad was so helpful in the car.. But at the same time it was eerily reminiscent of the 2am drive--also to UCLA--for a far different reason back during the first week of January 2012. It was so weird because we were literally on the same freeway and the lights looked the same and everything and this just. I don't know. It was a really weird feeling and realization that occurred to me while driving to the surgery. I can picture exactly where we were on the freeway too. In a sense, that is what made me cry even more. But it wasn't bad. Just. So many emotions.

I remember the huge, open hallway with its wide window...the fact it was pitch black outside. That hallway felt so far away.  And then talking with dad in the pre-operating room...that amazing nurse who was able to create the IV and unlike the endless tries of other doctors over the years, found a working vein IMMEDIATELY (of course that hasn't happened since). I don't know why I'm focusing so much on that, but there was something so calming about her...and she had a beautiful smile and positive energy that comforted me, yet she couldn't have been in there for more than 3 minutes. Alright. Now this is turning into rambling. I could write more randomness about so much of this. Perhaps I will when I get my computer back to life? Tuesday I shall venture to figure out what's going on with that. I miss typing on a keyboard.

Going to work gives me a better sense of purpose. Actually going out and connecting with others...actually communicating with people. I don't know. I'm really happy that I don't really have friends that I chat with except two (or three sometimes). And even then, it's not constant or involved. I love keeping to myself and where I am with that. So that's why work is nice because on those three or four days of the week, I spend a good chunk of the day outside of myself and seeing new (and sometimes familiar) faces.

Oh so back to the beginning. Though I said the year has passed so quickly and it feels like I was just getting ready for my surgery, at the same time December 2012 feels like forever ago. And moving forward, in retrospect, so much more insanity transpired. But as much of it I may have exhibited via the internet, the large majority of it was within myself. The first half of the year was incredibly difficult. Looking back at that whole period up until around June I see so much pain and confusion. I'm grateful to be where I am now. It's taken years, but I needed the last twelve months to figure out so much. I've had some deep realizations, especially regarding mania. Though I knew what I allowed to fuel it, I have a better understanding of why. It's always been the same--just varying degrees or different extremes of delusional misunderstanding.

I have a better understanding of when it was that a lot of my emotional strength began to shift. And it wasn't just after March 2011. Nah. So much more has made sense, and I spent an entire 80-minute geography lecture writing in my journal, figuring out a lot of this after it all came rushing forth for some reason.

The pieces are coming into view. And I could feel sad that I didn't make the connections sooner, but I'm working not to let myself do that. In fact, let me get my journal and see if there's anything brief worth writing from it.

Well. I don't want to go into any of the details, so I'll just leave with this:

"Yeah...so I guess from that moment on, I no longer felt confident in myself/expressing my feelings (and thus, standing up for my personal truths). Like, I'm not wording this properly. But I've over these years, started to be honest with myself about this. I didn't want to admit any of it."

And that's why I wasn't seeing.

ours

I don't like using the word "my." I mean, it's impractical not to do so. But I am just aware of how weird it sometimes feels now when I use it, especially in regards to referring to others (i.e "my professor" or "my friend"). Like, nothing (and no one) is truly--solely-- "mine." Nothing belongs to me that is separate from the whole. Everything is connected and universal. I know it may sound frivolous because it's just a word, but words have power...oftentimes more so than we consciously realize.

I find the word "our" to be more appropriate or at least, feel more comfortable using it. That might sound weird, and I'm not wording this properly. It's just something that's been on my mind for the past week or so.

seeds

Lately I've been feeling the disconnect. Though I'm always aware of it, I'm--for the most part--no longer emotionally affected by it. The "loneliness" isn't unbearable as it was many years ago because I know that word or idea is far from reality. That doesn't change the fact that this planet often feels so foreign to me.  I'm glad that I understand possible explanations as to why I've never understood. But that doesn't change the fact that I still sometimes experience melancholy nights in which I wish for like-minded people to discuss certain concepts and ideas without sounding absolutely insane. But then--like now--I remember that this pattern is a bad habit that ultimately ends up draining me and always has the potential to spiral downward to a place of apathetic lethargy.

Okay. I'm glad I got this off my chest because in doing so I remembered the above and will now go shed myself of this negative energy.

ch-ch-changes

I've been meaning to write a post here the past week or so but wasn't reminded to do so until I saw this quote:

“I don’t know why people are so keen to put the details of their private life in public. They forget that invisibility is a superpower.” --Bansky

I'll admit this entire post is kind of ironic given the topic, but for some reason this blog compared to all the other social media outlets has felt most private (Don't worry. I'm not so delusional to think anything posted publicly or communicated via message online is actually private...thanks, NSA. ha). But this blog more than anywhere else on the internet has always been where I feel most comfortable expressing myself when it comes to personal emotions, thoughts, or general observations. And it has now become probably the only site where I'll continue to be most open.

I enjoy Instagram for its simplicity, but everything else has sort of drifted away when it comes to staying up-to-date on people I know personally. It's been so refreshing to no longer read everyone else's posts or update excessive details of my life on Facebook, Twitter, and even Tumblr for the most part. In fact, I love that I can avoid Facebook altogether thanks to push notifications. (It's funny because when I first realized all the benefits of not logging on anymore, I wouldn't do so for days...so I forgot to check if anyone sent me anything and would fail to read messages...but then I remembered I could change the settings on my phone so I no longer have to go on the site anymore! Obviously I got excited...ha) I am also grateful I thought to make a new Tumblr altogether. It has been so beneficial to follow blogs only about topics or issues I find significant.

Some other quick thoughts:

1) Going to school is more of a relief now that I found a great location to spend my time when I'm waiting for long periods in-between classes. It's upstairs, outdoors, in the shade, and not surrounded by overwhelming amounts of students. It's kind of like a random oasis (metaphorically speaking of course), and I don't feel uncomfortable or anxious. Now I literally only walk through campus when I go to my classes and then when I leave at the end of the day. And all three of the buildings I have classes in are right next to each other!

2) I feel like I'm kind of MIA all the time in regards to communication with anyone here that isn't family. There are only a couple of friends I keep in contact with...and even that is very minimal (I don't mind because it's sort of like the whole Facebook/social networking thing...I just feel more at peace keeping to myself).

3) I'm grateful to have been hired. It is an ideal location for me, I enjoy the environment/interacting with customers, and I am happy it surrounds me with topics I am interested in and will be able to learn more about as time goes on. The fact that it is privately owned and not a chain owned by a corporation is another aspect I love. Though I've only had three days of training and still feel nervous sometimes about the future, I must remind myself that I am fully capable and everything will continue to go well.

All in all, I am working to maintain a state of balance. I'm learning to be okay with where I am. I'll say it once again even though I say it enough already: I'm grateful for this blog.

I think that's it for now.

blue moon

I was reminded this evening how much I love running after the sun has set. The night felt quieter than usual. It was special.

And still is. 

daily

We are sparks from the Infinite.
We are not flesh and bone.

We are light.

today

"If you read what many thinkers are writing, especially in the alternative press where a larger vision of the hidden occult politics is brought into view, it is very easy to log on to their feelings of desperation and to have that commitment taken upon by the self. A certain degree of discernment is therefore very wise in what and how much is to be read, if you wish to maintain the highest state of balance and spiritual integrity. Without such a discipline, the negative news can literally be overwhelming, as an energy transfer of sorts occurs between the writer and the recipient."

The above excerpt is something I really needed to read as I've been spending more time delving into articles and websites that seek out the truth in our world governments, media, etc. I'm thankful for this reminder to remain balanced and make a conscious effort not to latch onto the negative energy or fear that comes along with everything. The words that follow are also something I'm grateful to read.

"We have spoken before of how humanity will, to a greater and greater degree, become infected, as it were, with the disease of fear. This is indeed a very tangible spiritual condition that is not easily rectified once it has taken deep roots into the subconscious mind. The negative elites have obviously fulfilled their Biblically-assigned job of ruling over the earth, meaning that: The media sources you interact with in that known as the "mainstream" do have a propensity for great distortions towards fear, and almost no trust in the inherent goodness of humanity, in the existence of an Ultimate Being or higher principle, or in the ability for human faith to create miracles where only desperation had previously existed...

Tough love can be administered in situations where a pathological, addictive behavior pattern has outlasted its usefulness. In the case of the individual entity, this often comes by hitting the "bottom," as it were. The bottom represents a time where all options for continuing the addiction appear to have been exhausted and, in 12-step support-group parlance, "life has become unmanageable." It is the life structure of your current civilization, propped up on endless tirades of fiat currency available at the touch of a finger and the rolling of the printing presses, continually causing greater and greater waves of devastation to its host, which is now bottoming out. 

The apparent chaos that you are now seeing is simply a form of molten liquefaction, a transitory phase leading to a greater degree of crystallization and perfection in what you call the future. Try not to let the heat of this catalyst burn you, but rather use it as your fuel to ascend along the spiraling line of light into higher and higher realms of awareness. This worldwide bottom will indeed have its financial and geopolitical repercussions, but as the master Jesus once spoke, "See that you not be troubled." These are the times of the changing of the guard, the final overturning of the endless rehashing of the old ways in the favor of the adaptation of the new ways...

The most efficient framework in which you can make this choice is in consulting with your own inner silence, rather than in the chatter of the outside world as the death-cries of a dysfunctional system of consciousness become ever more screeching. 

And the more that you can help out by asking yourself where the love is in any moment, the quicker and easier the transition will be."

Thank you. 

even in the quietest moments

There's something I want to add regarding my last post. As I wrote, for some reason I personally find the idea of "worship" to be a bit extreme. On the other hand, I find the word "devotion" beautiful. That may seem strange because from certain perspectives they could be considered synonyms. But that's not the case for me. I see devotion as something completely different. I associate it with expressing gratitude toward members of my soul family, the ascended masters and soul groups helping us, and our Creator...a way of expressing the love I feel for the universe in its entirety.

For me, the word "devotion" has such a special, comforting connotation for those very reasons.

rambled, repetitive thoughts

This morning something occurred to me. I mean, I've thought about this a lot recently but for some reason this morning in the kitchen I was reminded and wanted to write about it. This probably isn't going to make sense, but I want to try and get my thoughts out somewhere. I apologize for any incoherence.

So recently I've been thinking a lot about the word "worship" and the way so many of us are taught and feel the need to fixate on worshiping higher powers. This may sound weird because I've grown up hearing it all the time, but the word just has such a weird connotation for me. I don't know. Maybe because I don't find it necessary. Or at least the dramatic way that it often occurs. I don't think God, or whatever term you want to use to describe the Creator, has any desire or need for us to "worship" Him/Her (those pronouns aren't even necessary).

It just seems like spending so much time worshiping can make us feel unworthy. From this viewpoint many of us say that all humans are "sinners." And according to this, a power higher than ourselves is far better than we are and ever could or will be. Thinking this way takes us away from the opportunity to work on ourselves and belittles us, separating us from who we really are. It also can take the focus off of ourselves and our own chances for personal growth. It seems like an easy way to disregard personal responsibility, thinking our troubles are too difficult for us to handle on our own and that things happen to us for no specific reason.

We are so busy worshiping wise souls and turning prophets into idols that we forget their original messages. We put people on pedestals, as if we are incapable of achieving their same level of wisdom and greatness because they were somehow chosen and created by God to be better than the rest of us. It's sad because the expansive journey toward Self is beautiful...and the whole concept and desire of this Universe (I am not wording anything properly right now) is beyond words.

Perhaps instead of constantly "worshiping," we could work on trying to better understand our Oneness, express daily gratitude, and acknowledge the need to love and serve one another.

But this is just my opinion.

(if you know what the meaning is)

"As long as your objectives lie within this physical illusion it will be necessary for you to be subject to the laws which prevail within this illusion. If your desires can be altered by the application of what you are learning and are lifted in the creation of the Infinite One, then, my friends, you may have a great deal more ability to remove yourself from the corners into which the illusion seems to back you."

I'm finding more and more that my original desires arrived from a place of beneficial, positive intention. It is okay that I felt the way I did, and I'm not crazy for doing so. It appears that I was starting to be introduced to a higher vibrational energy. However, due to various circumstances, they were quite too immense and became extremely difficult for me to channel properly and control.  

It makes a lot of sense that I've gone through what I have these past years. I needed to learn that I cannot allow my hopes for a "new earth" allow me to not accept and understand the immutable law of free will. Though yearning for a better understanding of the Infinite, my ultimate objectives (though spiritually based) were indeed still focused within this physical illusion. Now I have the chance to apply the love I felt and wanted to give to this world in a realistic manner...free of delusional ideals, understanding healthy limits. 

There is much I need to learn and work on. I'm glad that in mid-March 2011 both of them told me to "just be." I probably wouldn't be where I am right now. Nor would I be able to piece together that lesson with those intense forthcoming experiences and all I am presently studying. 

"This, my friends, is what man of Earth must return to if he is to know reality: this simple thought of absolute love, a thought of total unity with all his brothers regardless of how they might express themselves or whom they might be, for this is the original thought of your Creator." 

every day a choice is made.

So many of us spend time blaming other people; or if not that, just complaining about their actions and decisions...things completely out of our control. I've learned that not only is that a waste of energy, but it's a distraction. It takes us away from the opportunity to view the situation from an unbiased perspective, without emotions getting in the way.

Current events--be they in politics or personal affairs--are a fantastic opportunity to observe and engage, to stay informed and take part in life. However, I have found that while we do so, an approach of detachment is much healthier both mentally and spiritually. It's a fantastic way to understand the carnal mind and the way in which it sees virtually everything from a place of duality...making us easily upset or sometimes even fueling our egos. The more I observe this at work in others, it helps me work on myself. I'm not saying I'm exempt from this behavior. Every day brings me the chance to apply my observations; when dealing with my own attachment to this restless mind and relative viewpoint, I try my best to approach all thoughts and situations from the higher consciousness. Reconnecting to this in the fullest possible capacity is my ultimate hope and goal.

I'm grateful to remember, and ready to accept personal responsibility.

ascend

the world is changing,

and we're sitting here.

but the shift is still happening

slowly, but surely

...or is it slow?

i'm not sure.

plus, it's not like our concept of "time" exists anyway.

all i know is there is so much.

so

so

so

so so so much.

and i just want to absorb more of it,

to understand.

to study with those who want the same,

to remember.

what's hardest for me lately is interacting with everyone as complete individuals. that's worded terribly, but i've decided i'll just keep typing. anyway, it's just been a bit weird lately for some reason. i mean, for a long time i've understood and felt the unity among all of nature but these days our whole existence just feels unnatural when i am out in public or even spending time with family. i find myself constantly thinking how we are literally all connected and just different expressions of one Creator, but we aren't expressing it or at least recognizing it to the degree that we can...and yeah, that sorta sounds of obvious. but it's hard for me to accept. especially because literally every single one of us is so unique and has traits that no other soul can  offer in exactly the same manner when experiencing life.  again, my words aren't coming out properly tonight. 

this third density business becomes more and more...bah, i don't even have an adjective...more and more "bahhh" with each passing day. i want out. but i just need to keep progressing and growing and working toward what will assuredly happen in the future. in the meantime, i need to remember to take more time to go within because when it comes down to it, all i really want(ed) to do is be of service to others. i've learned that sometimes it's as simple as sending out loving energy.

every thought counts.

humanity

it's comforting to see that each time we run away or try to escape
---be it consciously or otherwise,

the Ocean always pulls us back home.

i have some news

last night (in a dream), i went to some sort of movie theater with two friends--the names and faces of which i can't recall. someone was sitting directly behind me; after i noticed this, i made sure not to turn around...yet i found myself constantly thinking of this particular seating arrangement. it was a special event for several short films. i wish i could remember them. all i can remember is a beautiful, badass, haunting music video of sorts for a song i heard for the first time in May, i believe. during the break between the next set of movies, i have no idea how or why...but somehow i ended up far on the other side of town without my friends. i obviously had a task to complete. i wish i could remember the reason why i had to leave or even what the destination looked like. but no. all i can recall is running full speed to make it back to the same space. the break was ending, and i didn't want to miss the other movie..and the chance to once again be so close. not to talk, no. it was just a comforting source of affirmation to feel someone's existence so close, to know they're real; and at most, to sometimes see during quick, inconspicuous glances from a distance.   

i vividly remember running up and down the sidewalk hills. i remember how good it felt because it's been over a month since i'd done so...but at the same time, how worried i was that i wouldn't make it in time. 

i still don't know if i ever did. all i can remember is running--that extreme sense of urgency. 

labels

why do we use words like "my" or "mine" when describing specific relationships with people? love isn't equivalent to possession.

we don't belong to one other.

so we beat on

I've gone through more than I'd ever imagined I would. That's no surprise. And though I've felt so beaten--as if my innocence  had been stolen from me--I now realize that I still hold my same perspective, so it was actually never stolen. It's here. I feel mentally like myself more than I have in years, but more and more alone--on a personal level--with each passing day. As I watch all my acquaintances, old friends, and those close to me growing through life. As I watch them progressing and taking steps forward. I know I'm growing too. But I feel like I'm standing still--and not just literally. Everyone looks so beautiful. I feel like all these years have deteriorated my youthful passions and zest, or even something as petty as my outward appearance.  I started crying the other night. A lot. When I was alone and had the opportunity to do so. I realized 2009 was the last year I've had of full stability. No unhealthy amounts of fear. No depression. No diagnosis. No multiple visits to the ER for psychological or physical reasons. No stays in either ICU. No endless weeks in the hospital. No high doses of medication. No multiple near-death experiences. It's been over three years since all this began. 

I can't recreate the past; it's pointless to even think this way. But I guess I just miss the last two years of high school. I still talk to some people or we're at least FB friends. But everyone is off living their lives. Attending college. Finding job opportunities. Or just recently graduating. From university...from high school. The freshmen from three years ago just graduated and are off to college. First graders are 8th graders. I walk around this neighborhood and any time I run into someone from my past, I feel out of place. Everyone--everything--is moving so fast. And I'm standing still, stuck in spring and summer of 2010. Stuck in my second semester senior year. Everyone else is gone, having developed new relationships and ways of living-- happy to have graduated years ago and face reality as they look forward to future ventures. I, on the other hand, am apparently capable of facing directions only far behind me.  

nostalgia

the blue sky disappeared as i walked to the house. i stopped near my bench to watch the cars rush past, the sailboats entering the marina. five birds flew in circles above.

i stood there,

listened to the wind;

and started to feel. 

Animism vs Anthropocentrism

Western religions hold an anthropocentric worldview, putting mankind on a pedestal above the rest of life. They believe that only humans have an immortal soul and are therefore the only beings with any trace of divinity (having been created “in God’s image”). Because of this fact, they feel entitled to control any and all of nature for their own benefit.  Animistic religions, on the other hand, believe the exact opposite. They see the interconnectedness of life, viewing all animals, planets, and aspects of creation to be just as divine--and alive--as humans. In fact, they believe that every aspect of nature makes up a greater, united whole. The word “Animism” stems from “anima,” meaning spirit or soul. Animistic religions believe that everything in the Universe has a soul.

Unfortunately (and that word doesn’t even begin to capture my emotion), the anthropocentric worldview too easily fits into a capitalist economy and as a result, our world has reached a point where this sort of belief has become so widely embraced that almost everything is used and built for human benefit and monetary profit. The animistic worldview, of course, holds no place in our capitalist economy. This problem can be seen as we continue to destroy our planet--the issues of energy consumption probably being the most obvious result. So many aspects of our life come from non-renewable energy sources. We are creating and living in more pollution than many of us realize. After all, in our society and economy today, hurting and taking advantage of the earth is a great way to make loads of money! (That was sarcasm) 

This fact makes me incredibly sad and at points in the past, spurred depression. I personally feel that this beautiful planet--and all of life for that matter--is spiritually alive. I always unconsciously had this view (i.e. I sensed that my animals had souls and were equals with me), but halfway through high school this worldview started to increase without any conscious effort (it may have to do with the fact that it was around that same time, I started reading more philosophical and spiritual books, creating my own worldview instead of the one I was raised with). I love this quote by Einstein: “Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.” 

As sad as the state of our world and society makes me, I finally (though it took a while) realized I needed to stop fixating on this fact. Getting angry about it just sends out more negative energy that this planet cannot afford, and wallowing in sadness is not only bad for my own mental and emotional health, but it prevents me from taking my feelings and putting them to positive use. I have to remind myself to instead maintain a sense of realistic hope. 

As Thomas Paine wrote, “I have always strenuously supported the right of every man to his own opinion, however different that opinion might be to mine. He who denies to another this right, makes a slave of himself to his present opinion, because he precludes himself the right of changing it.” I can’t force other people to believe what I believe, but I can send out positive energy for this planet and its people. Ultimately, it’s not in my hands. And I’ve finally accepted that. For too long I was a control freak. I can’t control anything. It’s hard enough trying to control my mind and restless thoughts. 

i appreciate

this blog's existence.

all the others feel too open now. i don't know what i'm saying. i just know i'm glad for this blog as well as my new journal, which--in terms of its specific use and emotional benefit--is entirely different from any previous journals i've ever kept.

"create your own religion"

I have no right to call myself one who knows. I was one who seeks, and I still am, but I no longer seek in the stars or in books; I’m beginning to hear the teachings of my blood pulsing within me. My story isn’t pleasant, it’s not sweet and harmonious like the invented stories; it tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves. 

--Hermann Hesse--

I was raised Catholic, so it’s no surprise that I started attending the infamous, ritualistic (not to mention dry, boring, and repetitive) Sunday services from birth. The Catholic system followed me through archdiocesan elementary, middle, and high school(s). As a child, I of course accepted the religion’s teachings (or at least those they told us at that age, which were basically just happy fairy tales about an awesome man named Jesus). I didn’t really have to think about believing in the rigid doctrine they taught my little friends and me because I was too busy enjoying my childhood. As I grew older though, I naturally started to think for myself. 

The years passed and I became more and more disillusioned with everything about the religion. Even as a high school student, I was forced to go to mass every single Sunday (that led to years of draining fights). But eventually I just stopped resisting and brought my journal with me to read during mass. It was in them I’d written down quotes from philosophy I’d found from my personal reading outside of school. I had decided to start searching for answers on my own. You could say I was doing what Ralph Waldo Emerson once suggested: “Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.” At this point, I wouldn’t have thought of myself as an atheist; one could say I had become an “agnostic.” When it came down to it, I was just sick of religion as a whole. I didn’t care what anyone else believed, but the more I began to find universal truths and philosophy that resonated with me, the more sickening it was to see the childish way the world behaves over something as trivial as who has the “Absolute Truth.” 

But over the years, I drifted away from agnosticism as I formed my own perspective, creating a personal “truth” I have kept to this day. I would never call it a religion though. A great amount of the points Thomas Paine speaks of in The Age of Reason capture the way I feel. For example, I too would say, "I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turk church, or by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church.” Because my mind is my own church, I am the one capable of creating my own hell--not a God or higher power. If we’re going to be honest, I despise religion for what it has done to mankind and the earth. But I have learned to accept these feelings and for the most part set them aside--instead appreciating the present moment and remembering to be here. Now.

6/1/2009

found an old journal entry:

the sun is out!

well, it was while I went on a walk just now. It'd been gone for a while. this can be taken literally and metaphorically as well, in regards to how I'd been feeling the past few days.

today, more particular--this afternoon, I'd been in a strange mood. It was an..unusual type of tired, you could say. But...I wasn't really TIRED. I felt like someone drew a circle in my chest and somehow, a ball of energy and enthusiasm was sucked from that very spot. in the car--eyes closed--I kept my iPod on and the hood of my gray, 'spirit sweatshirt' over my head. i like the way the music streamed into my ears and thoughts as I could feel the car's wheels rolling, moving. my mom dropped off caterina first from carpool and had to continue on with the others and then take Brennan to swim practice. she was going to drop me off, but I was just like...hey, I'll walk home from here. I have my key. so, I grabbed my black backpack...slipped it through both arms, grabbed my iPod, and unwrapped the 'organic lemon lollipop: trader joe's brand' that Laura had randomly given me as I walked past her locker a bit earlier.

Listening to "Songs for a New World," I took my own sweet time with each step. I saw the trees slightly moving in the wind. The clouds moving horizontally across a much bluer sky than I'd seen these past few days, or at least that I'd been aware of. leaves rustling across my feet. cars driving past, people before my eyes. flowers moving as well. fresh air rushing across me. every so often, i'd stop at a corner and observe. different angles. moving straight ahead and then turning right, i continued on directly in front of me. as the music of the final song started to build, I threw away the stick of the now-empty lollipop into the black trashcan to the side of me and started to speed up my pace.

skip.

run.

look at the sky.

skip some more.

it all perfectly matched to the last step.
brilliance.

"Hear my song. 
It'll help you believe in tomorrow 
Hear my song.
It'll show you the way you can shine
Hear my song. 
It was made for the times when you don't know where to go.
Listen to the song that I sing; 
You'll be fine." 

I missed the sun.

how could i forget? tonight, i remember.

"maybe i've been the problem. maybe I'm the one to blame,
but even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same.

i've been thinkin maybe i've been partly cloudy,
maybe I'm the chance of rain; maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my luck's washed down the drain.

i've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely.

but when I look at the stars,
i see someone else.

when I look at the stars, i feel like myself.

stars lookin' at our planet, watching entropy and pain. and maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane. i've been thinking 'bout the meaning of resistance, of a hope beyond my own.

and suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home; i've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so empty.

but when I look at the stars, i see someone else. when I look at the stars, I feel like myself. everyone, we feel so lonely.

everyone.

yeah everyone, we feel so empty.

when I look at the stars...i feel like myself. when I look at the stars, i see someone..."

{thank you, Jon}

far

solitude has always been vital, but now i need it more. i recently returned from a walk with Bosco, and it is probably the longest walk he has ever had. we usually walk up the street and then i turn us around, having to drag him along because he insists on sniffing every little flower or pile of dirt for as long as possible.

but today i let him do as he pleased. 

we walked for close to an hour. we ventured down the hill, through streets farther and farther away from this house. the weather was warm and the sun sort of just...shining. god that's so cliche, but that's the only word that appropriately captures a certain feeling. it wasn't setting yet, though. it was about an hour before that would take place. 

anyway.

the two of us were having a grand time. and of course, my headphones accompanied us. it was beautiful. but about halfway through the walk, i began to feel something that happens more often with each passing day. i don't know if i can even describe it without sounding melodramatic or ridiculous. but i'll try. i am grateful to say i have reached a point of not being "sad," "angry," "bitter," "depressed," or any other similar adjectives. 

no.

i am finally working (instead of just understanding the benefit) on developing the insight to watch my thoughts and let myself feel things without allowing them to kill me emotionally and spiritually. i am grateful that i am remembering to connect with the spirit that never left. but sometimes, in spite of all this, i feel an ache. and i don't mean that in a stupid way. it's literal...like, it's a physical ache brought on by emotion? i guess. i don't know...the only way i can describe the way it feels sounds so stupid. but i mean it in all seriousness.

it's as if i'm walking with a piece of me missing. like, that makes no sense because i finally am reconnecting (or at least trying) with myself. i mean, i feel healthier mentally and more stable emotionally than i have in a while...so it's just this weird physical ache. like, i'll be walking along listening to music that comforts and brings me peace when all of a sudden, i realize that there's...some sort of hole or gap within me? ugh this sounds insane. i'm trying (and failing) to find words to express this. maybe the word dissociation works? i don't know. 

it's in these moments of much-needed solitude where i become aware of and literally feel what i carry with me throughout the day but manage to suppress until the night when i feel it at full force. as i said, the only way i can describe it sounds melodramatic, but i'll say it anyway.  because this is my blog and fucking goddamnit Brittany stop trying to make it perfect and don't worry what others think you've done that you're whole life and you don't need to do so anymore

so. it literally feels as though a part of me has been ripped away. like a huge chunk is gone and i'm walking around with a gaping hole, missing half of my entire being. and it's in these moments where i can pinpoint that it was somewhere along the past god knows how many years of hell when someone ripped away half of me.

and the scariest part of all is later, when i remember i did this to myself.

*

below i said that i "wish things were different and there was someone who really understood where i'm coming from with all of this." i need to make something clear: i'm not saying that i wish there was someone who could understand literally everything about me and how i feel. that's unrealistic and impossible. and i get that now. in fact, i wouldn't want that because no one soul is exactly the same.

there's so much

that gets to me these days. emotionally, i mean. the more i remember events from my past. the more i refuse to live in denial. the more i accept my emotions and what i've experienced.

i mean, it's even stuff as futile as jokes on the internet such as the whole "go home you're drunk" and a myriad of others (and other sorts) both online and in person...in class, on the bus, wherever. but for me, none of it's joke. i used to be so scared. drunkenness isn't always a bad thing, and i get that. but for me, it was so scary and made me so sad. as did a lot more. i'm not getting my thoughts out clearly but i need to write them somewhere.

it's as if...i feel like i'm finally returning to my true perspective and innocence, yet having gone in the completely opposite direction i see and understand a lot more now. which makes everything more difficult. it's as if i'm a child or something. and every day i feel like people know that...and i don't mean this in a paranoid way. i don't know. which is fine, and i have learned to be quite alright with that. 

i just hate how i constantly wish things were different and that there was someone who really understood where i was coming from with all of this. lately it's kind of occurred to me how i've emotionally gone through a lot in life. like, i don't even know how i've gone through so much with my sensitive personality. and i'm not referring to just these two years of losing my mind and skull. no. i'm talking about stuff going back to my childhood and adolescence. i don't know. because i love my family. but i was so naive and blind. 

this probably makes no sense and isn't worded well at all. i don't want to sound whiny or woe-is-me. that's not my intention. it's all kind of ironic. i tried so desperately to let go of that selfish aspect of myself and wanted so desperately to help others...and felt so much to SUCH an extreme and ultimately lost my mind. as i've said way too many times before. but like, that was the the start of the long downward spiral and now i guess i could say that i'm kinda sorta back to the beginning. now i feel that loneliness and disconnect at an extreme level for the first time in years. there's just more clarity now that i remember and feel so much more about stuff that happened a long time ago. which makes this whole loneliness situation worse...? 

everything is going to be okay.

i hope.

who am i kidding?

i might as well be honest on here instead of just skimming the surface like i do everywhere else. i don't even know anymore. i can find a correlation and synchronicity in literally anything. it's not the diagnosis. it's my head. i no longer feel i'm going to die and need to leave all my thoughts with everyone as i did back in 2011...i no longer feel special or important, which is good in the case that the negative aspects of my ego have hopefully diminished...and continue to do so. but i feel more self-conscious than i ever remember.

and i'm tired of feeling alone. i know i have so much support from those i can't physically see here, but in spite of all that's happened...and the actions and non-action on both parts, you're the one person i still miss. but this is the kind of missing where i don't want to talk. i don't need to go anywhere. i just want to see your face and be in your presence. i hope you understand and i'm not sounding obsessive. it's just, i might as well take the opportunity to finally admit how i've been feeling all these years without hiding behind words and vague figurative language.

life is literally a book for me now. the ultimate art form...visually, musically, each human, each animal, each soul...so many intricate personalities and just...the buzzing energy of all creation that i can feel when i keep my hands still. that light in the center that i've ignored for years. except instead of wanting to analyze or judge everything, i just want to be at peace and observe. i just want to listen. and learn. and read. i'm tired of talking.

for the first time, i see symbols in everything. i see my story everywhere. it's beautiful.

and awful.

this is where

it started.

i don't know why i left.
i don't know know why i went looking in a million other places.
i don't know why i cared what the others think.
i don't know why i've always hated myself.
i don't know why everyone else makes me uncomfortable.
i don't know why i let myself forget my past.
i don't know why it was all so scary.
i don't know why i let god Go.
i don't know why i left Jesus...

i don't know so many things. this list could go on forever.  i said i'd never have regrets, but now i find myself regretting most of my life and hating myself for judging everyone. i mean, i fucking thought i was a reincarnation of Hitler back in summer 2011 and was a walking zombie, a ghost. i didn't know what the fuck was happening. i hated myself more than i ever had. i missed you.  i now know why i wrote about myself on the internet so willingly...myspace, youtube, facebook, twitter, tumblr. it was a way of putting myself out there and hearing positive responses from others without having to face them in person...it made me feel better about myself.

it gave me confidence...
but was all a fake.

a lie.

and now i find myself wanting to hide more than ever before. i need to be alone. otherwise, i need Music to carry me through these days that keep turning into night. it's a fucking ironic nightmare of my own creation. so i'm retreating. i only check facebook for notifications/messages and speak with friends...i can't see everything. it makes me sick. the voices are finally gone, but now everyone's laughing and i feel naked. the stupid 'about me' on tumblr says the bare minimum...all that is important. all that "i" am.

but i am nothing, no one. i don't even know if "I am I" anymore. i mean, i must be. but i miss so much. i've been lying to myself my whole life. the only thing that's remained a constant truth is Music.

thank you for helping me remember that i don't belong here. thank you for helping me remember who i really am. thank you for helping me learn what real Love is. thank you for helping me re-discover the love of God. thank you for being the stepping stones that eventually--after years of hell--led me back to the beginning of my relationship with Christ.

i never told you this,
i wanted to.

i was so afraid.

i love you.

i am

alive,

so alive

"...may you find the strength to know you are a part of Something Beautiful."

today the sun comforted me. and as the sun sunk deeper and the sky glowed orange, something led me to focus on pranayama for the first time in two years.


i no longer fear i that i had let myself completely disconnect from this world's beauty.

i'm slowly starting to remember how to love living on earth.

though i'm not yet gone, i'm still not here.

"You are aware of the concept of initiation and realize that it demands the centering of the being upon the seeking of the Creator...seeking the Creator is done not just in meditation and the work of an adept but in the experiential nexus of each moment... the abandoning of self to such desire to know the Creator in full that the purified in-streaming light is drawn in balanced fashion through all energy centers, meeting in indigo and opening the gate to intelligent infinity. Thus the entity experiences true life or, as your people call it, resurrection." 

there is so much that i read and feel pulled toward. yet, i remain here--engaging in actions and non-actions that seem to go contrary to all that i am searching for and aspire toward. i mean, i know that every decision i make is my own. i can't blame anyone but me for all that has happened these past two years, but that doesn't mean i have to hate myself for it like i tend to do these days. i am learning to forgive. it's not easy though, especially when i feel like i got myself into a mess that has inhibited my personal and spiritual growth.

i guess that i just need to remember that all of this is, in fact, an open opportunity for further growth. however, the current situation i find myself in is kind of going backwards in a lot of regards. i can only pray that once i have found a way out all of this hasn't been too detrimental.

“Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them.” ----Martin Henry Fischer, German-born American physician

as i've said on countless occasions, i have no idea what's happening anymore. i guess the only thing i can do is keep pretending i have some sort of understanding and internally remind myself everything will be okay. i need to remember to be. here. now.

cause as i've said 1927102819212+ times in the past, now is all we have.

i'm tired of searching for things outside myself. why did i get so caught up in what others were telling me? it's always been within. a full understanding of truth cannot be taught, only experienced. and i knew that. but ever since i stopped following what my soul would tell me, everything started spiraling out of control. i'm tired of organized anything. the moment i started following lessons and fixating on formulaic directions before me to an extreme back in 2011, i fucked everything over for myself.

i was happy to simply read, to meditate. i was so happy to give, to serve.

i was so willing to BE, to experience and grow through life--up until i stopped listening to my soul.

i need to

a) get over myself
b) stop avoiding people
c) learn how to let go
d) learn to not be so sensitive
e) not be afraid to engage fully in life
f) stop thinking about the past
g) stop idealizing the future

but everything is so much easier said than done.

against the voices

karma

justice

love

karma

justice

hate

karma

justice

fools

karma 

justice

game

i am sick of this, i want freedom---i know freedom's a state of mind and all that, but i got myself into this mess

i used to feel so much love for everyone and everything--but now i am trying to stop myself from hating who i've become and all these people around me for their happiness or their contentment

i used to carry what felt like unending gratitude

--until may 2011

and i thought i'd regained most of it

--until december 2012

i don't know what i've done

---i don't understand

all i know for sure is that i made a mess of me,

and i wanna spend the rest of my life alive--

but how can i do that when everything around me feels like some sort of sick joke?

the "I"

that is i,
that is me

is sick
of being sick,

is sick
of the mania.

i do not know what i am,
i just know i know nothing.

this is the way it's supposed to be,
i  finally get it.

i never emotionally understood or imagined that every single one of my prayers could be answered,
but they were.

i wanted to leave,
so i killed myself

and god showed me what it's like
when you refuse to be.

oh! gravity.

everything is going to be okay. i'm grateful for the periods of time where i remember this and feel great comfort. i just need to get better at reminding myself to remember. when i look back to two years ago, i remember the day--3/14/11-- that ultimately became a twisted nightmare. the next day--the infamous ides of March--led me to the boiling point of the madness. that is the day everything started to change and my world began to shift.

"Paul said: 'I die daily!' He meant that a part of his carnal mind, his lower consciousness, died every day. Paul also said that you must put off the old human and put on the new human. He meant that you must put off the carnal mind and put on the higher mind. This is a process that will take time, and it must happen gradually. If you were to be stripped of the carnal mind all at once, your soul would be thrown into an identity crises. You would no longer know who you were; you would lose all sense of continuity and identity. You would literally go insane. This has in fact happened to people who discovered the spiritual path and attempted to force the process of spiritual growth. They have attempted to take heaven by force, and in so doing they have invoked so much light from above that they have not been able to hold that light. Instead of raising them up, the light has blown apart their sense of identity."

i never thought i'd say this, but Monday March 14, 2011 has turned into an awe-spiring memory. i don't even have words. it's beautiful. i was in unbelievable danger, yet continually saved by the all-loving Creator of this universe as he/she/It made sure to surround me with protectors--both here on this physical plane and the spiritual realms as i walked down 3rd street and across the Santa Monica pier in a great haze. i remember every part of it. i wrote it all down in a journal back when i wanted to understand...back when it would not stop haunting my memory. i'm so glad i've written it down. it's a story, and i hope to share it some day.

while March 15th--that first dark, late night in my own room in the psych ward-- would seem to forever be the most traumatizing memory of my life, i now look upon it as one of the most significant. that was the night i was stripped of the carnal mind entirely as a result of the previous week's attempts to prove to my loved ones the power of the Spiritual and to help the world for which i'd cried so deeply. the memories of the night come in flashes...but one i remember most vividly is when i was screaming at the top of my lungs at the nurses about the sun. and how it was hurting. and how we needed to save this planet. i'd never felt such intense pain. i don't have words to be honest. it was as if my soul was being stabbed or something. i don't know. and then, of course, after that night...i'd "literally go(ne) insane." i don't remember the five days in the psychiatric ICU where they moved me after that night.

"When God created the universe, the first act of creation was the statement, 'Let there be Light!' Light is the basic substance from which everything in this universe is created. God's light is like a lump of clay. God creates by shaping the formless clay into a particular form. God creates by envisioning a particular image and then allowing his light to flow into that image until the light manifests as a material form. You are created in the image and likeness of God. You do not yet have the full creative abilities of God, yet you create the same way God does. You create by allowing your attention to focus on a particular image. God's light is constantly flowing through your consciousness (or you would not be alive). God's light obediently takes on the form of whatever image your mind is focused upon. If you hold your attention on a particular form for a sufficient period of time, you will manifest that form in your outer world. Hold your experience on mortality, limitation, and suffering, and you will experience those things in your life. Hold your attention on any imperfect image, and you will manifest imperfection in your life.

The dilemma expressed by Hamlet is meant to illustrate the basic fact that you can never stop creating. Hamlet did not want to act, yet by not acting, he brought about his own death. In their present state of consciousness, many people do not want to create. Yet whether you create consciously or unconsciously, you are still creating. God gave you free will, and you cannot turn off that gift; you cannot stop making choices. If you ignore or deny your ability to create perfection, you are still making a choice. Therefore, choose life! Choose the perfection of God over the imperfection of the lower consciousness.

You cannot stop creating, but you can choose what you create."

i will keep my mind wide open,

my eyes wide open,

and i will be.

i'm so

tired

of the vicious
cycles

i put myself through.

i'm so
tired

and cannot seem
to embrace

where i guess i'm supposed to be right now.

i have

a problem. school doesn't teach me what i want to study. in fact, what i want to study is considered unrealistic by most. and i have no idea what i'm doing with my life which is fine and dandy right now, but what if what i'm interested in is legitimately impractical and kind of insane?

where i belong

for years i proudly called myself "awake."

maybe my eyes opened,
but i needed to fall asleep:
and truly wake up
to finally understand:

"i" am nothing

because we are One.

red eyes

lately things have been getting to me. i thought i was finally over something. something that i wanted to let go of so badly that in late fall/winter 2010, i began a desperate & unknowingly unhealthy rush to proceed further on the spiritual path.

though i personally was feeling better and believed i had let go, i still could not accept the inherent perfection of the world's duality. i didn't realize that i was still failing to embrace/understand the cosmic laws of cause and effect...the necessity of duality here on earth. on march 14, 2011, the same something from the past started haunting me in ways it never had before...and the combination of that and extreme sadness for the world's pain made me forget that all energy is One and want to leave to go "be with God" on some other, more peaceful plane.

and then i lost my mind completely.

when i became more coherent, i still felt connected to the Universe. i still felt that energy. i had faith in God and knew i was being carried. though hospitalized for weeks and weeks, i still trusted that everything was happening for a reason in order for me to help others in the future. but i had a sense of foreboding that i was going to get in a car accident or something.

until may 2011. i gave up on my intuition, my dreams, my hopes. and my mind created my own personal hell. i no longer felt that something from before, but i was torturing myself in other ways.

i died alive.

i had turned into a walking ghost. until january 1, 2012. that something--along with all the delusions--entered my head after six months of freedom. but the joy they brought left entirely in march 2012. though no longer outwardly apparent, i was once again an empty, walking ghost. i wasn't me.

i was gone.

then came june 11, 2012. the accident. the day i came dangerously close to legitimate death here on earth. for three weeks, i was asleep. i wasn't here. my mind was gone and free from the numbed depression and pain. but my body was suffering.

everyone knew. and cared. and wanted to support me. so many people were worried for my life. and when i woke up, they wanted to talk to me. it seemed that everyone i'd ever known was there for me.

all but one.

however. i was alive again for the first time in almost three years. and that something wasn't haunting me. i remembered that it had been there but was disconnected from it. until late december. on christmas eve and christmas day, i completely broke down. everything came rushing back all at once and i couldn't stop it. not only that, i couldn't forgive myself for anything negative i'd ever done my entire life. to anyone.

we have finally reached 2013. and i have finally learned to forgive myself. but that something (along with past thoughts, conversations, feelings, and memories) follow me everywhere i go.

i believed i had finally let go, but the pain is back: it comes in waves. though i haven't discussed this with anyone in a long, long time...i remember i was told that things just take time. i no longer have my idealized view. i no longer feel that innocence. i no longer wear my heart on my sleeve.

and time still hasn't allowed me to let go. i knew i'd never forget. but there were periods where i wasn't haunted like this. i'm tired of the growing synchronicity.

i feel connected to everything and everyone's stories more than ever before, but i'm tired of the illusion in general.

i'll be okay.

right?

i am living a story. and i will keep living it.

why

do i still
hold on

to a person
who left

a long time ago?

to a person
who wasn't there

when everyone else wanted to be?

i am tired. this is draining. i don't want to drown again.